So my mom called 911 at 4 AM this morning. But it wasn't all bad, they checked her oxygen levels, her blood sugar levels, and any signs of infection, and all clear.

which just leaves brain issues, I guess.

So now we wait for a psychologist, and hope we can get through Christmas.

ah, well.

my mom is starting to hear things during the day, as 3 times today she has thought she heard Mike go up into the crawl space and work on the wiring, as well as her now usual 4 AM panic session.

I'm just trying to hang in there for her ...

So today was a craptastic day.

Mom started in on how Carol is spying on her and when I tried to reassure her she basically accused me of lying and conspiring to put her in an insane asylum.

then Mike came down tried to talk to her got frustrated and said if she didn't want to see the nurse who is coming on Tuesday or I wanted to eat myself to death he wasn't going to get involved anymore.

Both of these hit me just as I was already struggling with Mr. Nasty, so it made things worse.

I can only hope tomorrow is better.

okay this morning after mom's nightly waking me up thinking Carol has set a fire in her own bedroom to drive my mom out of the house, I laid on the couch and put on a episode of "Too cute" so I could relax and get back to sleep.

I slept for about 2 hours and woke up to discover I was having what felt like a seizure,

My body shook, stopped, and shook again as if I was getting electrocuted.

After about 5 minutes it stopped, and then after I slept for a while the seizures happened again.

if you are on facebook, check out a group called Affirming Ministries, they have published my story, "Dreams and Truth", and I'm really stoked about it.

https://www.facebook.com/AffirmingMinistries/photos/a.104151...

I've got a new story up!

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/87837/superiors-genesis

my mom had her worst episode yet this morning at 3 AM.

She was so convinced that Carol was coming downstairs to throw her out that she barricaded her bedroom door.

sighs, I'm starting to worry we wont last the month we're supposed to wait before she can get an official evaluation

There will be at least one openly trans official at the Tokyo games, a trans woman named Kimberly Daniels will be one of the judges of canoe slalom, while her daughter will be one of the first women competing in the sport.

What's really cool to me at least is that both are Canadians.

I'm struggling with feeling worthless, almost to the point of feeling suicidal.

I honestly don't know if this is PTSD, depression or both, but hugs appreciated

In the aftermath of my blog here yesterday, I was talking with Drea, and came to a startling and sad realization.

That there has been a part of me that hoped the trans stuff was caused by my rapes. Because then if I got over the rapes, I'd get over the trans stuff too.

I was thrown by this, but thanks to people on the BC discord page, I worked through it.

So I guess Dorothy isn't going anywhere, and that's okay.

Okay so last night I had another dream where I was at school (this time it was university, but still) and lost.

Except this time I ran across a really bubbly young woman, who seeing me looking confused took my arm, and when I told her were I wanted to go, she found us a rather round-about route.

There has been a split in my extended family for most of my life, with many of my uncles and aunts refusing to having anything to do with my mom or my brother or I.

Now, two of those uncles are apparently having serious medical problems, and there's every chance I wont know anything unless they die.

Despite this, I'm finding myself wishing I could see them one last time.

Crazy, huh?

I'm sorry to post again so soon, but well, I've gotten some potentially bad news.

The doctor who did the scope on me apparently found some growths in my esophagus.

Biopsy negative for cancer, but their placement is a concern, apparently.

hugs and prayers appreciated.

I had a dream last night that has me questioning me being trans.

In the dream I was at university and sharing a dorm room with a dude.

So when I woke up, I realized that even though I never looked at myself in the dream, I would have to had been a dude too.

Now I'm all mixed up and I want to cry.

got a new story up, look forward to seeing what people think:

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/87476/locked