In the aftermath of my blog here yesterday, I was talking with Drea, and came to a startling and sad realization.
That there has been a part of me that hoped the trans stuff was caused by my rapes. Because then if I got over the rapes, I'd get over the trans stuff too.
I was thrown by this, but thanks to people on the BC discord page, I worked through it.
So I guess Dorothy isn't going anywhere, and that's okay.
Comments
Good, kinda
You have been an asset to this page, so I'm glad that you're going to stick around. It seems that at one point in time we all seek a why when it come being trans and it also seems that for a time we believe, or want, something will cure it.
The why lie I told myself was that my mother ran off when I was in first grade and the trans thing was just the manifestation of my desire/missing her feminine influence in my life. I was sure that when I got married, that my wife would fill that gap and I'd lose the desire to wear women's clothes. About a year into my marriage, that idea was totally shot down because her clothes were close enough to my size that I could wear some of them. I'd purged my meager stash when I got married and my wife brought a whole closet full of clothes I could wear.
It took another five years, and only then because she caught me, for me to begin to deal with it.
Hugs
Patricia
Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
Ich bin ein femininer Mann
Events vs Essence
Both include a lot of pain. BUT what was done to you may have defined your response, but in no way changes who you were and are. What is so hard is that the circumstances surrounding your discovery of Dorothy include so much sorrow and pain because you have virtually no one who can speak encouragement face-to-face. And circumstances and very significant obligations to your mom and your daughter and even your ex make it hard to get the help you need. You are braver and stronger than you credit to yourself; your tenacious determination to write from your heart blesses so many. I cannot think of anyone that at least is braver than you. But you are NOT what hurt you. And as difficult as it continues to be, your gender identity is a component of all that is Dorothy.
Love, Andrea Lena
thank you, Drea.
huggles
Let Each One Do As Their Hearts Guide Them.
I was raped when I was about 13. I got beaten up at home, so I ran away, got picked up and thrown in a Juvie home. You can guess the rest. I still can not remember a thing about them and that's OK. We have to do our best.
When we have Vaccine and can get out again, I plan to live as Two Spirit, male or female as I feel guided.
Peace
Gwen
Does it matter?
My parents made it clear by their behavior that they preferred girls to boys and were disappointed when my brothers and I were born because we weren't girls. Being assigned male was responsible for quite a bit of the ill-treatment I suffered as a child.
I've often wondered if that is what made me want to live as a woman. (As a woman I would actually be worth something, nor would people try to beat me into being a proper boy.)
But I've come to the conclusion: it doesn't matter.
I am what my past has made me, and the damage that was done can't be undone. If I had grown up in a different family and a different society, I would have been different. But: that's true of just about anyone. We are to a large extent shaped by the environment we grow up in (though the results are often not what the "shapers" intended! We are not tabulae rasae -- our individual natures affect how we respond to the "shaping.")
I only know that I've always felt like women were "my team" or "my people," even back when I didn't think I was one. Transitioning was like getting out of prison -- no, out of a dungeon cell, like in the Chateau d'If. When I started living full-time as a woman, it seemed like the black-and-white world I'd been living in suddenly started being in color (remember The Wizard of Oz?) And the thought of detransitioning makes me feel sick to my stomach.
I am trans (to use society's category), and will be so until the day I die.
(And after that, I'll be neither trans nor cis, just dead. :-) )
Sorry Darlings.
As far as I can discern, WE ARE BORN TRANS!
Doctors spent six solid years trying to 'CURE' me of my bizarre trans-gendered 'perversions'. All it did was inure me to psychiatry and indeed, medicine as a whole. Some say, I am living biological proof that, - 'As is cast the seed, so grows the tree.' That was from 1952 until 1958, before even Mahoney came up with his loopy theories.