dorothycolleen's blog

rough morning

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My mom had a serious and scary dementia moment this morning.

She woke me up at 4 am saying she heard Carol killing Mike.

Then she ran outside in her nightgown looking for an ambulance.

Dam scary stuff, honestly.

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my adventures in endoscopy

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so here is my chronicle of my adventures in endoscopy:

after repeatedly telling the nurses and then the doctor about my PTSD and gag reflex, they gave me the normal amount of sedative and then had me clench this plastic tube between my teeth.

10 seconds later I'm gagging and they had to take it out and knock me all the way out to do the procedure.

Sighs, at least it's over ...

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going for an endoscopy tomorrow

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I am going for an endoscopy tomorrow, and I'm already struggling with anxiety.

Thanks to my PTSD, I have a gag reflex like nobody's business, and therefore the prospect of having a tube shoved down my throat doesn't exactly fill me with happiness.

hugs appreciated.

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sorry, folks

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Just wanted to let people know, while I have a couple of stories that are close to done, I currently have no spoons for writing.

So it might be a while before they see the light of day.

Sorry.

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giggling at the comments

I was re-reading one of my old stories, and couldn't help but giggle at this exchange in the comments:

"Boo hoo... You don't love me enough to kill me..."

"I had a special death planned for you but decided to be merciful to my readers, I'll kill you next time, promise."

"Aww, you're a good friend. *hug*"

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Dialog challenge

Okay so last night this bit of dialog came into my head:

Young man, looking in a mirror while wearing girl's clothes for the first time: "Is it weird that I'm super attracted to myself?"

Female friend:"You're not the only one. If I'd known how hot you'd look, I would have tried to talk you into skirts a long time ago"

And since I dont have a story to go with this dialog, I'm offering it up as a challenge to anyone who wants to make a story around it,

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shook from a nightmare

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so last night I had the closest thing to a nightmare I've had in a while.

I was at a hospital, taking a class, and as I was making my way to the exit, one of my tormenters from high school jumped on my back as I was going up a flight of stairs.

I somehow managed to not fall down the stairs, bit I lay there, seemingly unable to fight, screaming at the guy to get off me.

I'll be okay, just a bit shook up.

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"Okay, so that happened"

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Okay so today Sharon needed me to take her to the Brick so she could get a new mattress, and because I was kinda gimpy, I fell behind entering the store.

So when I did come in, an employee asked me what I was looking for, and I told him my ex was looking for a mattress.

So a while later, while I was gimping around the store, the same employee asked me if I had "found my husband".

I nodded, but I couldn't help thinking "So, that happened".

I dont know, but I was kinda flattered.

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Jack L. Chalker, BC writer?

If you are a fan of transformation fiction, or just good science fiction, you've probably have at least heard of Jack L. Chalker. Well, I found a book by him that could have easily been written here.

It's called "The Identity Matrix", and its the story of Victor Gosner, a 35 year-old expert in political science who finds himself body swapped with a 13 year old native American girl, and then into the body of a blonde bombshell co-ed.

I found the characters charming, the situation engaging, and the book really hard to put down, so it gets a recommendation from me.

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a different sort of dream

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Okay so last night's dream was a bit different. I was in a school, and apparently part of the the cleaning crew. I confirmed with a teacher where I was to clean, and when she said I should know already, I told her I'd been away for a while and wanted to have the expectations I was to meet clear.

I went into the room, and started moping, and then someone joined me, and a after a moment of confusion, I figured out she was a trainee I was supposed to supervise. The dream ended with the room clean and me with a sense of accomplishment.

Make of that what you will.

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productivity, pain, and purple-faced frustration

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ok so yesterday was a mixed bag. First, I finally got a project done that's been bugging me for a while - I cleaned out my closet's floor and sent the stuff I dont need to goodwill.

Unfortunately, I paid for that in the evening with what felt like a strained or pulled muscle in my stomach. Fortunately, a little lie down helped that, but then after I gone to sleep for the night I had yet another dream of confusion and frustration.

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unpublishing a story

Quite some time ago, I started a story called "the secret of M.Y.T.H.", and had high hopes for it. unfortunately I got blocked on the story, and it fell to the bottom of my stories in progress pile. Now, at last, I think I can do something with it, but rather than simply carrying on from the point where it has been sitting, I think it would be better to unpublish the unfinished version and then publish the complete one. So how can I remove the old version of the story?

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Sorry about yesterday

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Sorry about yesterday everybody.

I let Mr. Nasty pin me for a bit, but like Rocky I've gotten off the mat, and feel much better.

Like Superman, I'm in a "never-ending battle" against the bad bits in my brain, but as of today, as the old song says, I'm still standing;

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I'm so tired of being a fuck-up

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so, my car's windshield wiper fluid distributor seems to be on the fritz, and my check engine light is on. which means bye bye more of my emergency money..

I'm pretty sure whatever is wrong happened when I accidently went over a high sidewalk, so it's nobody's fault but mine.

Sighs, I'm seriously tired of being a fuck-up, and right now I'm struggling with feeling like everybody around me would be better off without me.

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sorry to post again so soon

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I'm sorry to post again so soon, but I had unfun day, as I got two different moments I could have done without. First, I discovered I have a rather odd PSTD reaction to pain in my leg. It not only sets off my anxiety, I have this terrible sensation that if I looked down at it, it would be a ruin. Then, later I had what I'm gonna refer to as a spontaneous male reaction. If you have (or had) male equipment, you know what I mean. Those always hit me a number of ways - they set off my dysphoria, they set off my PTSD, and they're bloody painful to boot.

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the struggle between justice, vengence, and mercy

For some reason, one of my old stories popped into my head last night. It's called "Payback House" and its a pretty typical example of themes that run through a lot of my work, the theme of the struggle between justice, vengence, and mercy. Its here if you wanna read it: https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/44335/payback-house

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A down day

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Well, I had a rather down day today. It started with a bad dream that left me feeling like I was a pretty horrible person, and I just never really got out of the rut.

Ah, well, tomorrow is another day ...

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frozen by fear

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so one of the few things my brother and sister-in-law have asked me to do around here is trim the grass in the summer.

But about a month ago, while I was using the electric trimmer, our neighbor swore through his window at me for apparently waking him up. since then, I've been terrified of trimming the lawn, and found all kinds of excuses not to do it.

The lawn now looks like crap, but I feel worse. sighs ….

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sorry, no stories from me for a bit

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I'm sorry to say I'm probably 2 weeks away from having anything new up. A number of events in real life have drained my writing spoons, just when I was making some progress on several ideas.

I hope I will still have readers by the time I have something for them to read ...

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a dream of searching, anger, and something beyond

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Last night's dream was … interesting. It started with me in a crowed building, that seemed a combination of a school and recreation center complete with a wave pool. I wanted to get to the water, which I could see behind glass, But I was unable to do so, and asking the crowd of people didn't help. Finally Ieft frustrated, and instead of just asking, I began swearing at people.

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