dorothycolleen's blog

got some lovely responses

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I got a lovely response to my blog yesterday, including this on Discord: "Every ones hell is their own. The demons we carry are our own. We can not compare our horror to another's for they are each unique. It is not how your pain compares to others, or even that you have or how much pain you are in. It is how you weather it. Dot, you always weather the storms well. Yes, good and bad times. But these are the times that have made us who we are and you are indomitable in your charity, love and caring. Never forget that."

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I feel like I'm a horrible person

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I feel like I'm a horrible person.

The stuff that is most upsetting to me, the gender dysphoria, the PTSD, they are so PETTY.

So insignificant compared to the suffering of others, especially right now.

Sighs ... I could use a hug or three ..

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"I exist because you say I can,"

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"I exist because you say I can"

That's a line from the latest chapter of "The interview", but it also describes the way I feel going out in public as a woman.

I'm extremely lucky here, for the most part people are too busy with their own lives to worry about the guy in a dress, but I am always aware that exceptions do exist.

I never forget I do not pass, that I exist as a woman because nobody cares enough to fight me on that.

That's puts me above what some trans people deal with, but the anxiety is always there, that's just the way it is.

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not a great way to start the day

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I woke everybody in the house up at about 6 AM by screaming, thanks to a knee that decided to try and take a powder on me. Between that and a double gut-punch of PTSD and dysphoria last night, and today is not starting off well ..

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Dot the spy?

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So last night I dreamed I was on a spaceship. It was designed a little like a sub, in that every so often there was a doorway with a door that could seal off an area if a breach occurred. I was looking for something, which has been a common theme of a lot of my dreams, by the difference in this dream was that it was clear I didn't belong, as I was always trying to keep out of the sight of the crew and passengers.

Well, since recently I've dreamed of being a movie star and a superhero, I guess I can add spy to my list of dream jobs ...

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I'm fraying at the edges

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Anybody who has gone through male puberty can tell you, it's stressful. It's stressful enough for a cis boy with no other major stressors, but it was worse in my case, as neither of those things was true for me.

The worst part was whenever I got aroused, and my male equipment did what it's supposed to do under those circumstances. Those moments were incredibly painful, both physically and psychologically, and I sometimes feel I barely survived them.

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why I love big closet.

Why do I love Big closet? Because it's a friendly place. Not everywhere is. For example, here is a review of "coven encounter" on fictionmania: "you have finally managed to produce some thing more than a drabble." nice, huh?

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what I'm working on

Its been a while since I've given an update on what stories I'm working on, so here goes:

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Dot:set in Amethyst's Hyperverse, its the story of a young man with gender issues, who is turned into a girly girl.

Rose the Bunny:Is it weird that I'm writing a Christmas story in May? This one is thanks to Rosy Redd, so when it comes out, blame her. :P

The secret of Myth:Its possible everybody gave up on this story, cause I had nothing for a long time. But its not dead yet ...

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"10 years, 12 months"

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"10 years, 12 months".

That's how long my account says I've been a member here.

I honestly dont know what I would have done if I hadn't found this place, but its unlikely I would have found the courage to transition without the support I got here.

Thank you all, for 11 wonderful years, and I'm hoping I get many more.

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Dot the super-heroine ?

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Okay, so last night I had a pretty strange dream. In the the dream, I was at a house with a bunch of other people, when a man came in with a huge trunk. He opened the trunk, and furniture popped out - and creatures I can only describe as shadow-spiders, basically a ball of darkness with little tendrils that it used like legs.

I backed up, and said, "I'm afraid of those shadow-things."

As if attracted by the sound of my voice, one of the shadow-spiders leaped towards me, with shadow fangs ready to strike.

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I'm close to having something ready

I got something almost done, but its not a "story" per se.

Its a brief recounting of the background and history of one of my favorite fictional universes.

I have no idea how its gonna be received.

(Hides in blanket fort)

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a kiss isnt just a kiss?

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So last night, I got to thinking about a conversation I had a few days ago, where I mentioned I always found kissing someone on the lips upsetting. And in fact I used to say I'd rather kiss or be kissed anywhere but the lips. As I was mulling this over, it occurred to me that this sense of panic reminded me of the panic I got going into a shower, and I wondered if it has a similar cause - that at some point, a kiss on the lips got associated with something terrible, something I couldnt recall consciously recall but my body responded to.

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things went better than I could have hoped

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Well, yesterday ended up going better than I could have hoped. Sharon and Sam cried after Po was put down, but Sam was no longer angry, and indeed seemed to be at peace with his passing. I am thanking God and breathing a sigh of relief.

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my brother's condition is getting worse

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my sister in law told me that my brother is getting tired faster
that the disease in his brain will eventually take away one side of his body, like a stroke
and I dare not lose it because I have to be strong for my mom

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dysphoria dream

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So last night I dreamed I was at a church function. I was upstairs, cleaning up a bunch of toy trucks, and then went downstairs to see that all the girls had turned the dining area into a fancy tea party. My dysphoria hit me like a physical blow, and I dumped my load of toy trucks on a counter and staggered back upstairs. I woke weeping.

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what do I do with my drabbles?

After I published my last little piece, I was informed I've been mislabeling them as "drabbles". I always thought a drabble was 100 words or less, apparently its 100 words exactly. So what do I do about the section of my stories titled "Dorothy's Drabbles"?

Suggestions please.

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Dot the movie star?

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So last night I dreamed a pretty interesting dream. It started with me seemingly on board a space station desperately trying to prevent an explosion that would kill everyone on board. But then I was sitting in a movie theater, watching me save the day. I left the theater, and encountered a small girl dressed as my character. She recognized me, and I gave her an autograph.

Kinda neat, no?

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