Just when I had thought my muse had left me for greener pastures, she sent me a new story: https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/83661/protective-colo...

so last night I dreamed that during a marathon that I was participating in I saw a large snake about to get among the runners, I was able to capture the snake holding it just behind the head. And with barriers on both sides of the course, I felt I had no choice but to finish the course while keeping a hold on the critter.

Bizarre, yes?

Last night, I had a dream full of failure and frustration. First I was in a large group being assigned with building something from Leggo and I struggled to find pieces, and my finished product looked sad compared to the others. Then we cleared off the leggo and we were supposed to learn a dance, but I couldnt see the feet of the instructor, so couldnt march her steps. And even when I had one on one instruction, I couldnt seem to explain what my problem was.

sighs ...

I had a dream last night where I was part of a group of people looking for clues in a contest where the top prize was 1 million dollars. At one point we were taking a food break, and I managed to impress a girl with my musical taste. She then gave me a box of stuff she'd collected while looking for clues, and we talked about how I'd get SRS if I won the million. Sadly I didnt find the million, but I seemed to have found a friend.

My little dog's health is going downhill, and my mom is super stressing about how far we let things go before we say goodbye to the little fuzzball.

I'm doing what I can to help, but this is putting serious pressure on my spoon count.

Okay, so I'm kinda scared. See, this morning, while I was in a kind of half-sleep/half awake state, I felt a jolt of energy in my head, and my body twiched and trashed. Only lasted a couple of seconds. But about a minute later it happened again. I had maybe four, maybe five of these events, and then it just stopped.

Needless to say, Monday Morning I have to get a hold of my doctor, and see if they can figure out what happened.

In the meantime, hugs, prayers, and good wishes appreciated.

One of the most frustrating aspects of my life is my struggle with personal care tasks. It seems like I have a hard limit on the spoons I can spend on them, which means even on good days I'm having to choose which ones I can attempt and which ones I can't. So its like I could shower, but then I wont be able to shave. If I shave, I wont be able to brush my teeth, or stuff like that. All of the above assumes a good day, as things are even worse if I'm depressed, sick, or fighting with my PTSD.

As I said, this is frustrating, but I cant seem to find an answer to the problem.

You may have heard of the term "Stockholm syndrome".

It really can happen, especially to children who grow up in abusive households. When you are dependent on your abuser, when they are the person who is supposed to take care of you and they hurt you, it is very easy to come to believe they are right to hurt you. That you deserve what they do to you.

I think one of the reasons I've been struggling with my writing lately is that I'm facing a difficult choice which is taking up most of my attention. See, I'm at a point that I have to say yes or no to stomach surgery, and I'm having a great deal of difficulty in deciding. Either choice will have ramifications for me for possibly the rest of my life, and I just dont know what to do.

Ah, well.

I had a really bad dream last night:

in the dream I was back in school, got lost and so was late to a class that seemed to be all about taking a pile of objects and making something from them. I had no idea what I was doing, spilled all my stuff on the floor and ended up late leaving the classroom because I was trying to clean up my mess

I keep having dreams like this. Clearly my subconscious is trying to tell me something, and will keep hammering me till I get it, but other than a sense of frustration and failure I'm drawing a blank.

I feel a bit like a person standing in a open field watching lightning bolts hit all round me but sparing me. A good percentage of my friends and relatives have suffered loss, grief, injury, or illness in the last little while. I feel bad for all of them, but I'm almost getting burned out and I'm worried that if I get personally struck I'm gonna have no spoons to deal.

Because so many of my friends are struggling right now, I really want this Christmas story I'm working on to be a sweet gift for all of them. Wish me luck.

For anybody who hadnt heard yesterday: I was in a car accident while riding with my mom, but I'm okay. Cut and bruised my leg when I hit the glove compartment, and went into PTSD shock, but got checked out and am otherwise all right. Mom's car was pretty badly damaged - trunk is a mangled mess and the impact blew out her back window, but outside of being upset mom was not hurt.

Ras made a cute picture of me

As I already have too many ideas started, I'm letting one go free: A group of sailors encounter a siren and are saved by a crew-member who is a closeted trans woman. realizing this might be a chance to rid the world of the dangerous siren and maybe even rescue some men, the trans woman is encouraged to find as many others like her to form an army that would be immune to the siren's call ...