dorothycolleen's blog

writing update: Portal problems

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For anybody interested in seeing more of Portal Problems, I'm afraid I'm shelving it for now. After publishing the first chapter and seeing the responses, I took a look at the next few chapters, and realized the characters lacked . . . character. They do stuff, but the reader would learn nothing about them.

So unless I can fix that, the rest of the story will not be published.

Sorry for any inconvenience.

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I lost a friend yesterday

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So I lost a friend yesterday.

To give you guys some context, a couple of years ago I joined a local writing group.

We would get together once a week and share pieces of our writing and provide feedback to each other.

We had to put things on hold during COVID, but the leader of the group and I kept in touch, and she was responsible for me getting my short story published.

Well, while we were talking on the phone, I apparently said something that hurt her feelings, and the next time we talked, I thought we had cleared the air and everything was okay again.

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adventures in sleep apnea

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Well, today I went to the respiratory clinic , and I'm still not getting good results. plus, they are gonna have to recall my unit and no idea if Alberta will cover the replacement I need.

not sure what they will be able to do for me

the problem is I really need a bipap, not a cpap and that was never part of my sleep study.

so I am going to have to use as is, for a couple of weeks, then they are gonna set me up with an 02 monitor to prove I need more.

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really scary moment today

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Had a really scary moment today.

We had gone to a local mall, and on our way out, I had something like a seizure in my right leg.

It started with my leg trembling, then shaking, and then I almost fell as it felt like every part of my leg tried to go in a different direction.

It calmed down, but after I'd taken a few more steps it happened again.

I told mom, and had her take over the driving, but it didn't happen again.

sighs, didn't I have enough problems already?

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CPAP issues

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okay so last night my CPAP machine was going at such a pressure it actually caused the hose to separate from the mask.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that's not good.

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scary moment today

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Well, I had a scary moment today, thought they were going to take my CPAP machine away

apparently, its not helping enough, its on max pressure, and I'm still having apnea way too often.

But the problem was my sleep study apparently wouldn't qualify me for the more powerful Bipap machine, so I could have been stuck.

But for now they are giving me the nose mask instead of the full mask in the hops it will not leak as much, and they're having me come back in 2 weeks to see how that goes

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making decisions

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One of the most frustrating effects of what happened to me is that it destroyed my confidence in my ability to make decisions. I become paralyzed, and usually end up making the choice that requires the least change.

An example is happening right now as I am on the list to get stomach surgery, and the closer I get to the due date the less confident I'm making the right call.

sighs . . .

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a productive day

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so I had a pretty productive day.

Mike and I weeded the front lawn, then I trimmed the side, then I watched as my TV was removed (along some other trash), then I did a bottle run.

I know that doesn't sound like much, but I feel good about the day, and that doesn't happen all that often.

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near-collapse

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you know, I've gotten used to having some degree of pain in my left leg, but I just had something worse than pain.

My leg felt like it was simply going to collapse, and I almost fell.

I'm still shaking.

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an over-active sleep

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well, it turns out its possible that my sleep apnea isn't the only reason I thrash around in my sleep
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Last night, I awoke to find I had tossed my pillows everywhere and pulled my CPAP machine off the nightstand.

But It had kept running and I never lost the connection between the mask and the machine, so I was getting air while this was happening.

Don't ask me what's going on, I really have no clue.

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the monster within

My whole life has been one long struggle to not become a monster.

I did not succeed.

I can still feel the monster, waiting for its chance to get out

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my worst fears have been confirmed

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I confirmed my worst fears.

I phoned the Calgary law library about what happened to my rapist, and there is no record of a conviction.

Now, it could be there was a publication ban to protect his victims, or a jury trial, in which case no written statement about the conviction would be on record

but he was able to testify in a civil suit in 1999, so unlikely he'd been charged before then.

and considering he was raping me from about 1973 to 1975, its unlikely my name would have been brought up in any case against him.

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that special kind of helplessness

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So I was a bit foolish and watched an episode of "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit", and as I should have expected, it was not a good idea.

I identified so hard with the victim, in her frustration and helplessness in the face of a rapist who seems beyond prosecution.

I often feel this, especially when real life cases follow the same path, and it is exactly the same helplessness I felt during the two and a half years I was being raped.

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validation

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so today, I went and got x-rays on my knees, and the tech asked me if I still had my periods.

even after so long into my transition, I still appreciate moments of validation like this.

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down memory lane

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Yesterday my mom found a box in her closet that turned out to have a number of items from a very long time ago.

among the items was my father's sergeant's pins, and a couple of report cards of mine from when I was in junior high school.

The report cards showed that I was highly creative, struggling socially, and had the worst handwriting ever, so I guess not much has changed.

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what a difference a couple hours can make

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what a difference a couple hours can make.

even though I left the church feeling really good about my speech, when I got home and watched it, I was horrified at the sound quality.

now, I feel like it was a failure.

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Just a reminder

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just a reminder,

if you want to see my little speech for the International day against Homophobia, Transphobia and Biphobia will take place Tomorrow at 2 PM UTC-06 – 3:30 PM UTC-06 here on Facebook live, and then will hopefully be available elsewhere after.

I hope I don't embarrass myself . . .

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