One of the most frustrating effects of what happened to me is that it destroyed my confidence in my ability to make decisions. I become paralyzed, and usually end up making the choice that requires the least change.

An example is happening right now as I am on the list to get stomach surgery, and the closer I get to the due date the less confident I'm making the right call.

sighs . . .

you know, I've gotten used to having some degree of pain in my left leg, but I just had something worse than pain.

My leg felt like it was simply going to collapse, and I almost fell.

I'm still shaking.

My whole life has been one long struggle to not become a monster.

I did not succeed.

I can still feel the monster, waiting for its chance to get out

got the first chapter of a brand new story up!

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/90136/dd-portal-probl...

So I was a bit foolish and watched an episode of "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit", and as I should have expected, it was not a good idea.

I identified so hard with the victim, in her frustration and helplessness in the face of a rapist who seems beyond prosecution.

I often feel this, especially when real life cases follow the same path, and it is exactly the same helplessness I felt during the two and a half years I was being raped.

So Last night I dreamed that I had a breakdown over the trans stuff back in high school.

It has me shaken, and I'm not sure why.

Yesterday my mom found a box in her closet that turned out to have a number of items from a very long time ago.

among the items was my father's sergeant's pins, and a couple of report cards of mine from when I was in junior high school.

The report cards showed that I was highly creative, struggling socially, and had the worst handwriting ever, so I guess not much has changed.

what a difference a couple hours can make.

even though I left the church feeling really good about my speech, when I got home and watched it, I was horrified at the sound quality.

now, I feel like it was a failure.

just a reminder,

if you want to see my little speech for the International day against Homophobia, Transphobia and Biphobia will take place Tomorrow at 2 PM UTC-06 – 3:30 PM UTC-06 here on Facebook live, and then will hopefully be available elsewhere after.

I hope I don't embarrass myself . . .

So I guess I forgot to mention here that after my sleep study the doctor recommended me have a CPAP machine, and today I picked it up.

hopefully I can get used to wearing one, as apparently I stop breathing 100 times every hour.

I just got huge news.

A short story of mine has been accepted by a magazine, and they will even pay me for it, which is a first.

The story is called "Under the Stars", and you can read it here: https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/44433/under-stars

I'm . . . stunned, honestly.

And it would not have been possible without this place, so thank you, Erin and Company

unfortunately, last night I had a nightmare. I was in a house, and suddenly a large pile of black liquid smashed through the ceiling and landed in the corner.

there was a girl sitting at the kitchen table studying, and wearing headphones so she didn't hear me cry out. she did look up, and seeing the blob, went to check it out.

She got too close, fell in, and tried swimming towards me, crying for her mother.

But she couldn't reach me, and she drowned.

I'm still very shaken by this.

In case anybody was wondering how my writing is going, here is an update.

I can't even get near my latest story idea cause its way too triggering right now
which leaves me with a sequel I'm blocked on, an essay nobody will care about, a D&D story that is simply not working, and TTSD 4 and 5, which are also at a standstill.

so bottom line, nothing is gonna come out for a bit, sorry.

I've been dealing with pain in my knees and hip, and its triggering me a lot.

Hugs appreciated.

okay for some reason a moment from when I was in junior high has been on my mind lately.

It's possible I've mentioned it before, but since I've been thinking about it, I'm gonna bring it up now.
See, in junior high, I thought it might be possible for me to find a way to fit in, as I was now more actively engaged in my life, recovering from my "dead kid" phase.

So I looked into athletics.

Now I wasn't strong, fast, or really all that coordinated, so this was a bit of a faint hope, but there is one athletic endeavor I thought I could master - track and field,