well, I went to get my toes done.

I really HATE being ticklish.

It sets off my PTSD something awful, but at least I now have (reasonably) pretty feet

so the leader of my writing group called, and we were able to make up.

I feel fantastic now!

Well, today I went to the respiratory clinic , and I'm still not getting good results. plus, they are gonna have to recall my unit and no idea if Alberta will cover the replacement I need.

not sure what they will be able to do for me

the problem is I really need a bipap, not a cpap and that was never part of my sleep study.

so I am going to have to use as is, for a couple of weeks, then they are gonna set me up with an 02 monitor to prove I need more.

I'm having a real tough time, and I need my friends now.

The black dog of depression has a hold on me, and my prayers feel like they can't even reach the ceiling much less heaven.

all hugs, prayers, and encouragement appreciated.

Had a really scary moment today.

We had gone to a local mall, and on our way out, I had something like a seizure in my right leg.

It started with my leg trembling, then shaking, and then I almost fell as it felt like every part of my leg tried to go in a different direction.

It calmed down, but after I'd taken a few more steps it happened again.

I told mom, and had her take over the driving, but it didn't happen again.

sighs, didn't I have enough problems already?

okay so last night my CPAP machine was going at such a pressure it actually caused the hose to separate from the mask.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that's not good.

Well, I had a scary moment today, thought they were going to take my CPAP machine away

apparently, its not helping enough, its on max pressure, and I'm still having apnea way too often.

But the problem was my sleep study apparently wouldn't qualify me for the more powerful Bipap machine, so I could have been stuck.

But for now they are giving me the nose mask instead of the full mask in the hops it will not leak as much, and they're having me come back in 2 weeks to see how that goes

so I had a pretty productive day.

Mike and I weeded the front lawn, then I trimmed the side, then I watched as my TV was removed (along some other trash), then I did a bottle run.

I know that doesn't sound like much, but I feel good about the day, and that doesn't happen all that often.

well, it turns out its possible that my sleep apnea isn't the only reason I thrash around in my sleep
.
Last night, I awoke to find I had tossed my pillows everywhere and pulled my CPAP machine off the nightstand.

But It had kept running and I never lost the connection between the mask and the machine, so I was getting air while this was happening.

Don't ask me what's going on, I really have no clue.

the magazine with my story is up!

https://www.lemonspouting.com/post/under-the-stars

I confirmed my worst fears.

I phoned the Calgary law library about what happened to my rapist, and there is no record of a conviction.

Now, it could be there was a publication ban to protect his victims, or a jury trial, in which case no written statement about the conviction would be on record

but he was able to testify in a civil suit in 1999, so unlikely he'd been charged before then.

and considering he was raping me from about 1973 to 1975, its unlikely my name would have been brought up in any case against him.

so today, I went and got x-rays on my knees, and the tech asked me if I still had my periods.

even after so long into my transition, I still appreciate moments of validation like this.

After decades of abuse and neglect, my body is finally getting back at me by falling apart.

Its somehow ironic that it turns out the abuser who has done the most damage to me -- was me, all along.

sighs . . .

So somehow, I missed my 12th anniversary of being on this site.

can I still get some anniversary huggles?

if anybody wants to watch my speech, I have it on google drive, so just pm me an email account and I can share it.