The power held by the unscrupulous, the bullies, the downright evil will not fall to any action of mine. I've spent too much of my life tilting at windmills and its getting harder and harder to get off the mat.
I am just too tired of spending my spoons with no hope of making any difference.
Ok, I got a serious problem here. In the last week, I have had two different dreams where I found myself facing a handsome young man who isn't wearing a shirt.
Will everybody please join me in asking Jaci to take her girl germs back now?
so Shylo At AffirmingMinistries has asked me to be a speaker at a livestream for International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia & Biphobia. It will be held on May 17th, 2021 from 2:30-3:30pm.
My talk will be livestreamed on both the Affirming Ministries and Robertson-Wesley United Church Facebook Pages. The stream will be recorded and posted on additional social media for both ministries such as Instagram and Youtube.
I'm amazed and staggered to be considered for such a thing.
If you know my story, you probably know the only way I could find to survive my childhood was to disassociate. To withdraw deep within myself, become as much of an empty shell as I could.
Well, this morning I had the urge to do so again, as strongly as I have had in decades.
My best guess as to why is a combo of a massive PTSD response to a serious depressive spike, with a bit of dysphoria thrown in for good measure.
I'm hanging on, but boy could I use a break from being me . . .
I was messaging my therapist today, when it hit me that while I thought I had moved on from guilt about my rapes, apparently I have not.
You see, I told the doctor how I wanted to grow up to be as pretty as my mom, and that gave him the wedge he needed to break me utterly.
So if I had hid that truth, would I have been spared?
My mind knows the answer is no. He'd raped my brother and at least one of my cousins, if I had managed to convince him I was a regular boy I'd be no different than they were.
So yesterday my new bed frame arrived, and with a little help from mom I was able to get it together, and throw the old frame out.
Not a difficult task perhaps, but considering my lack of stamina, my wonky leg, and my even more wonky brain, I feel like it counts as a reasonable adulting accomplishment
So I had a bit of a revelation thanks to my councilor yesterday. We had talked about my rapes a little, and how I used writing as a way to process them, and then we were talking about my stepfather and my councilor asked me if I had written any stories about my time with him.
I checked, and I have not.
Now, I'm no expert, but when a part of my life is so radioactive I cant even fictionalize it, something is up.
Oh boy, more slogging ahead, this is NOT gonna be fun . . .
I was thinking more about the dream I had the other day, and it occurred to me that its one of very few dreams I've had where I was clearly presenting as a teenage girl.
Now most of my dreams, I couldn't tell you what I was wearing, or if I was in the closet, but this dream had some pretty strong indications of my gender presentation.
And it comes in the first part of the dream, where a older teen boy attempts to tickle me.
So last night I had a dream like no other dream I've ever had.
I was at a large military base where some kind of event was happening. There were games, prizes, and all kinds of people having a good time. Suddenly this young man decided to try and tickle me.
I turned to him and told him in no uncertain terms that if he touched me again without my permission I'd break his fingers - even though he was taller and larger than I was.
okay so yesterday, Sharon called me, and asked if we could give her and Sam a ride to her doctor's because Sam was having some muscle strain issues. I could not go, so Mom went, and when she returned, things were very different.
Sharon was having pain in her leg, and her doctor believed it could be a blood clot, and so had her go to the nearby hospital. Once there, Mom was told she couldn't stay because of COVID, so she took Sam home and then came home herself.
we took mom to the geriatric clinic for an assessment, and the doctor there is adding a medication so mom can be less agitated at night, we'll see how that goes.
Meanwhile, my daughter may be attending NAIT in September, we're waiting to find out the details.
As for me, well, we'll have to see how that goes too.
Well, after almost 3 months without much in the way of visits by my writing muse, I am FINALLY working on a new story. I'll post something when its ready to go.
On another note, I just wanted to say "thank you" to everyone who suggested a name for my octopus stuffie, and her new name is Calista Octavia Rose. If I figure out how, I'll share a picture.
That's it for now, except of course sending huggles to all who wish them.
So I saw my doctor the other day in regards to some blood tests he had ordered for me.
Some good news, my liver is doing better, my bad cholesterol has dropped, but there was one troubling result.
My white blood count is very high, and has been high for months.
Now there are lots of things that could cause that, but the one I immediately thought of was the Big C - cancer.
My doctor is going to try and get me an appointment with a specialist, but with COVID, it may not happen quickly, so I'm going to have this hanging over my head for a while.
I've got an idea for a story and not sure if it would go over well
the story is about a man who had committed assault and rape tries to reform and make up for the harm he's caused, and may involve him changing into a woman.
so apparently last night I started shouting in my sleep.
I cant remember what I was dreaming that would make me cry out.
The thing is, as a kid I did that a lot, and even as an adult I still did it until I started going to therapy and recovered some of the memories of my abuse (which is when I started having flashbacks instead), and as far as I know I no longer cried out in my sleep - until last night.
You're gonna have to forgive me if that's a little concerning for me.
Checks can be made out & sent to:
Joyce Melton
1001 Third St.
Space 80
Calimesa, CA 92320
USA
Note: $6000 is the operating, maintenance and upgrade budget. Amounts received in excess of the $6000 will be applied to long term debt accrued over the last 19 years.
