dorothycolleen's blog

how do I protect myself?

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Ever since I realized that I can hurt myself during my manic phase and not know it, I have trying to think of ways I can counter this.

Right now, the only idea I have is to try and take a moment every so often and visually check for any new bruises, cuts, or scratches, as well as any signs of joint issues.

Not going to be easy, since one of the main signs of my manic phase is the difficulty of focusing, but I have to try.

All encouragement, hugs, and any suggestions, appreciated.

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Future Shock

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many years ago, a man named Alvin Toffler wrote a book where he argued that the rate of technological change was going so fast, people could no longer adapt, and were suffering a form of culture shock, or as he put it Future Shock.

Since the book came out, the rate of technological change has only increased, and the effects have only gotten worse.

I believe this is one reason for the increase in popularity of movements that wish to slow, stop, or even reverse some of those changes.

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I learned something yesterday

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so, I found out something interesting yesterday. I had spent a good part of the day walking, and to my delight my joints were not bothering me despite the cooling temperatures.

I assumed it was because of the weight I had lost, but last night, as my manic phase eased, the pain came back.

It makes sense, my manic phase is a lot like being drunk or being high, both known for blocking pain, I had just never made the connection before.

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So apparently, Kama loss was our fault.

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so reading the pundits take on the American election, the general takeaway is that Kama losing was trans people's fault.

Apparently, we are such a threat to the wellbeing of the US that because she didn't join the Republicans in declaring us subhuman was the difference.

This would worry me a little less if this wasn't the overall opinion of Republican and Democrat pundits, which means I fully expect the Democrats to throw us under the bus.

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a most unusual day

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So, I think I set some kind of record today.

I managed to be both hyper and depressed at once.

I was pretty sure that wasn't possible, but I guess I underestimated my brain's ability to be terrible to itself.

Ah, well, just another adventure.

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a dream about anger

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Okay, so last night I dreamed I was back in school, and we were going to be taught ballroom dancing.

But when it came time to partner up, I was left without one, and I got so angry at the realization I was never going to be anybody's choice, I yelled at the teacher, and then took a table that was bolted to the floor, ripped it out, and threw it, Hulk style.

Still accepting all hugs, prayers, and comments of support.

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got some bad news about my brother

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So today when my brother came over, he told us he has been dealing with serious blockage in his heart, to the point they have given him a nitro pen to inject himself with if needed.

I could use all the hugs you guys can send.

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a morning full of confusion

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so, two things happened to me last night. the first was I had a dream where I was trying to get back to my apartment, and somehow kept ending up on the wrong floor.

Second was I woke up, my clock said it was 8, and for a second, I couldn't figure out if it was 8 AM or PM.

It could be worse, but a little confusion isnt a fun way to start the day.

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Things are getting worse here in Alberta

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Things are getting worse here in Alberta.

The provincial government apparently announced that it will no longer cover SRS.

Now, this won't affect me directly, as my health isnt good enough for the surgery, but I feel for any Albertans who were hoping to get it.

But that's not the worst of it. The ruling party is having a convention right now, and one of the ideas being debated is bringing in a bathroom bill, basically banning someone like me from the using the lady's room.

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surviving being triggered

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while the term Triggered has been co-opted, I can think of no other word to describe what happened to me today.

I was doing laundry, and reading a book, when a particular passage in it set off memories of what happened to me as a child.

It took me a while, but I managed to get through it.

That said, I am accepting all hugs right now.

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A shift in my dreams

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Okay so for some reason I have noticed a change in my dreams, in terms of where they take place.

See a lot of my dreams have taken place at or near my old high school in Calgary, but lately, I have been having dreams set on my grandparent's farm, which was just north of a little town called Redwater, which was itself just north of Edmonton. I dont know if this means anything, but it is kind of interesting.

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gender euphoria

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Since yesterday was my laundry day, and most of my non-winter pants were already in my laundry basket, I pulled out a skirt, and because it was a bit cool, I also put on a pair of pantyhose.

Now, despite what my friend Jaci says about me being a girly girl, I do this far less often than you might think, but yesterday I found myself wondering why that is.

Because I felt good.

Tension I didn't even realize I had left me.

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Deep thoughts at the swimming pool.

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So I went swimming today, and while in the pool, I found myself thinking about 2 moments from my childhood.

The first involved a time when I was high school, I was curious about the name for the pants worn by Madonna (they were Capri pants, in case you were wondering) and had asked a gaggle of girls, when one growled at me and asked if I wanted to know so I could buy a pair to wear.

I was taken aback by her anger, because I didnt know why at the time.

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I am sorry everybody

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I was really hoping to have an entry for the Halloween contest, but my brain has decided to douse me in depression, which has cut off my writing spoons.

maybe I will get lucky and it will lift in time for me to finish the story, but I just dont know.

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making choices

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I want to talk about choices for a moment.

See, I dont really trust myself, so when faced with decisions, I tend to turtle and try and avoid the situation. Of course, not choosing is in fact making a choice, and can have consequences.

But there is a more subtle way this works for me, and that happens if someone is offering me advice on the choice.

I find myself wanting to just hand the choice over to them, so I dont have to deal with it.

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saw my doctor today

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So I finally got to see my doctor about the x-rays I had done on my legs.

The verdict was that my arthritis has gotten worse in my hips and knees, and I now have arthritis in my ankle. I also have several damaged tendons in my right foot.

My doc gave me a subscription for some physio, but beyond that there isnt anything they can do.

Ah, well.

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a radically different dream

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So last night, I had a radically different dream.

After having some adventures driving down a steep hill and then trying to find a way back up, I found myself outside a school. One of the teachers came and took me to the office, saying they needed to enroll me.

Now here was the really interesting part.

I told them I did not belong to that reality, so I could not be enrolled.

The office had a large computer, and at first agreed I did not belong in that reality, but then it glitched, and said that I now belonged there, so the teachers enrolled me.

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I may have a new fan

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So yesterday, we went to get groceries, and during our check out, I mentioned that I was a writer to the cashier, she asked me what I had written, and I mentioned my novel Quest for the Silver Cleric, which is available on Amazon Kindle.

She wrote the name down, and promised she would look for it.

So who knows, I might end up with a new fan!

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further repercussions of the Move that Wasn't

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So apparently, we are not done with repercussions for the Move that Wasn't.

See, back when we were sure we were moving, my mom put a stop on automatic withdrawals from our current landlord, which was supposed to start at the end of September.

Then we didn't move and asked the bank to restart the automatic withdrawals again.

But then, our landlord called us and said they were unable to withdraw September's rent.

So we went to the bank, and discovered that not only had the stop had been applied to September, the restart we had asked for had not happened.

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looking for positives

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I have been looking for positives about The Move That Wasn't, and I think I found one.

See, for years, one of the shelves on my bookcase was not right, because it was missing a support piece in one corner. I always meant to get around to fixing it, but never did, mostly because I didn't know where I would put the books.

Well, once I had boxed all my books for the move, I finally fixed it, finding a replacement for the supporting piece.

So, I guess that is a positive, right?

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the problem with making an early entry

I have come to realize that being the first person to enter a contest has a drawback - after a bit, the story gets lost in the shuffle of all the new ones put out.

so unless you deliberately seek it out, you wont see it, and it probably wont get any more comments or kudos.

ah, well.

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I broke my bed

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So I managed to snap a support strut on my bed. You add a broken computer chair, a broken recliner, and a car that needs an overhaul, I could use to win a lottery.

If the universe would stop beating me up for a bit, that would be great.

Huggles appreciated, as always.

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high stress day

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So today was a high stress day. First, we had to get up early so we could take my aunt shopping, and then Sharon called, and asked us to help her get her laundry done as her machine is broken,

We got through that, despite the heat, then Sharon wanted to go to a restaurant on the other side of town, so we made our way there, only for Sharon to cause an issue with our server. so we left without getting food. So back across town to get her and Sam some food, drop them off at home, and finally head home ourselves.

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