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I want to talk about choices for a moment.
See, I dont really trust myself, so when faced with decisions, I tend to turtle and try and avoid the situation. Of course, not choosing is in fact making a choice, and can have consequences.
But there is a more subtle way this works for me, and that happens if someone is offering me advice on the choice.
I find myself wanting to just hand the choice over to them, so I dont have to deal with it.
Now, the person may be giving me good advice, and maybe I would be right to take it, but its why I am doing it that is a problem.
I need to make sure I am actively engaging, and not just trying to get rid of my responsibility for my choice, preferably without hurting the other person in the process.
Adulting is never easy, is it?
Comments
For the Last Fifty Years
My oldest child turns fifty in five days. That's almost as big a milestone for my spouse and me as it is for him.
For fifty years we've been giving him advice.
One of the pillars of advice has been, "Life is about creating options."
The more viable options you have created the greater the probability you will have a positive, enjoyable life.
Your blog seems to indicate that you might possibly be missing this step.
If you passively accept what life offers and don't actively do the necessary to create options, the odds are against you.
Understanding and working within the dilemma you mentioned is important. More important might be creating more choices through aggressive action.
This advice has worked for our son, and I hope it will work for you, too.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Jill is absolutely right.
Always try to have options or fallback positions so you don't get trapped or painted into corners. Remember too that one of those options may be to say no to someone close to you or to tell them that you no longer enjoy things and want to make a change. It isn't easy but you'll be happier and probably live longer.
Angharad
My wife, my companion since my senior year of High School, made
our decisions together. When she passed 14 years ago it took me 6 months until I felt comfortable making decisions on my own. While she and I were soul mates for 42 years, i wouldn't want to share decision-,making again.
I look at life differently than most, I do not "what if" or "if only". I'm an optimistic pessimist. I expect the worst (which seldom happens) which allows me to happy with any result better than the worst! No one has ever told me I'm anywhere near normal.
Boys will be girls... if they're lucky!
Jennifer Sue
Normal is highly over rated
The root word for normal is norm; average. Who wants to be average; anyone can be average.
Hugs
Patricia
Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
Ich bin eine Mann
Hmmm ... This "asking advice" thing ...
...
(Replied also on floop-book.)
is maybe the wrong "ask."
Instead:
"Friend, I got some things I'd like to talk over with you. No advice, but help me see what I've missed, ask me questions."
Then "I've got this situation {Explain} Choices X, Y, and Z all look good ..."
Friend: "Where does X put you in 6 months? Is option Y is gonna 'cost' you that Q you've always wanted? And can your bank balance handle Z? And, I'm pretty sure you've overlooked choice W."
-
Take notes (ask friend to go slow, so notes are not rushed and are readable.)
If possible, use a whiteboard or flipchart. These are the more, erm, adulting versions of "divide a sheet of paper in half, list Pros and Cons." See if Library has a meeting room with whiteboard, or a room for flipchart.
After all this, "Decide to Decide" tomorrow (less than 30 hours hence), after a calm meal and a good night's sleep.
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This lets you and your friend, both, 'off the hook' for 'bad' advice taken, or good advice ignored.
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Gotta tell ya ... You've pretty much described most of my lifetime of decision non-making.
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Gotta tell ya ... Looks like you have a really great description of what's going on with you.
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" ... Is option Y is gonna cost you that Q you've always wanted? And can your bank balance handle Z? ... "
My radio station had a "great deal" for a bonus in return for a donation. Wee=eel ... I got anxious and "double-donated," (Twice the feel goods, tho.) So my bank balance says that I can't handle the next regular fund-raiser, but instead I have to "sit it out." So I won't get that "Q" I will want, probably a coffee mug, CD or 'tote bag.' ...
But ... coffee mug from a year ago is in front of me right now ... https://secure.wfmt.com/catalog/detail?productid=FGMUGM. (It's supposed to be a stylized guitar, and the fretboard is repeating images of the Chicago Flag.)
The danger of being risk shy
I remember a conversation I had almost 30 years ago with a then work colleague and mentor. We were talking about how the risk aversion or risk shyness of our community, church and business leaders was frequently putting all of us in an undesirable or even dangerous situation. And then they would throw up their hands in despair and cry out: “I do not know why we are in this lousy situation!” or even: “I never wanted to be in this damn situation!” Anyone unwilling to make a deliberate decision, in a timely manner, should not be surprised when they finally end up in a situation that they never wanted to be associated with!
I have watched the community in which I invested so many years of my life to help move forward in progress, go into the crapper. In a very big part because the top [elected] leadership was unwilling to commit to a decision that might rock the boat of “we have always done it this way. Or because the people with decades of seniority were unwilling to listen to younger people with the technological know-how.