I'm only happy when it rains?

Author:

Dorothy Colleen

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Autobiographical

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The above is based on an old song by a group called Garbage, and its about my general attitude in life. I was mentioning the other day to a friend about how ... easy my transition is going, and she said "What? Did you want it to be harder?"

Then in a conversation with my mom, I mentioned about passing, and she said, "maybe you want more attention, and are sorry people arent noticing you, even if that meant they were mean."

So its got me thinking - am I upset about how smoothly this is going? And I dont think so. I'm suffering from two problems - I didnt really expect to succeed, and sometimes I dont think I deserve to succeed in any case, like I should apologize for how well I'm now doing.

Ah, well. bit by bit, I'm leaving more of that crap behind ....

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I can relate to that

I can relate to that. My transition is going very smoothly. In the three years I've been living as a girl, I've only had some bad reactions (the first two years) from strangers and they were only verbal. My family, friends, neighbours, fellow students, teachers,... all accepted me, from the beginning.

And it makes me feel guilty, like I don't deserve to have it this good while others are struggling to even get one person to accept them. It feels like I'm cheating, I know that doesn't make sense, but sometimes I feel like I should have a hard time, since I'm no better than the others... And when I feel down or think my life's hard, I hate myself for thinking like that, because I'm lucky, very lucky. I'm not allowed to pity myself when I have it this good.

When people say I'm brave for transitioning, I hate it. I'm not brave, I have it easy, I never had to make big sacrifices like others, My struggles are nothing compared to some friends of mine. I sometimes feel like I'm not allowed to be or feel special, because I didn't have it hard enough...

It's also one of the reasons I'm in the Transgendered youth team here. At least that way I can help others who don't have it as easy as me.

grtz & hugs,

Sarah xxx

ps: and I hate myself for the fact this post sounds like I'm trying to get pity from others >_<

Ditto

Ditto.

Saless

"But it is also tradition that times *must* and always do change, my friend." - Eddie Murphy, Coming To America

Life can be hard

I have a hard time finding acceptance in my own home. But, does that mean you should feel guilty? No way, girl! Shoot if anything I want you to live in my behalf! Some people have tougher roads to follow, I know I do. But I'm cheering for every one of you to succeed in being who you wanna be, and live how you wanna live. So don't feel bad for having it easy, and don't think I'm jealous of it either. Just keep on doing what you're always doing: help the less fortunate, and just be a good friend. That's all I think anyone should expect of you.

Sometimes

When you gear up for an event and it passes by without the expected effort, there is lots of left over adrenalin which can make you feel strange or do strange things. Also, if we're used to having to work for our achievements and it suddenly gets easier, we wonder why.

Enjoy it while it lasts, there'll be plenty of time to watch the rain later. There will be struggles - life almost guarantees it, and if it isn't hard enough we usually up the ante just to keep it interesting, and then blame everyone else.

One of the biggest lows comes after surgery when having achieved what seems like a huge goal, you realise it wasn't such a big deal (until you start dilating - and then it's a pain). This constant need to set and hit targets is called life, and sometimes we learn more about ourselves when we miss them.

Angharad