Well, the last couple of days I've been in the domestic department, but when the regular staffer came back from her weekend you would have thought I turned the whole department upside down. She actually swore at me, about me, and it was not a fun experience. My trouble with such stuff is that faced with something like that, I tend to turtle and often internalize whatever is being said to me.
This leads me to a point I've been thinking about for the last while.
I'm broken.
I dont mean I've got a few quirky traits, being trans among them, but I mean I'm really broken, lacking many of the tools needed to function fully in the adult world.
I've been trying to do something about that, trying to focus on the positive, stop beating myself up so much, and so on, but frankly, its too much for me alone, but I have to keep going regardless.
Ah, well.
Comments
The only thing I can suggest
The only thing I can suggest is therapy. I know that being trans you are already talking to someone, but this is also important to talk to them about. Being broken like this and with no expectation of it getting better is something that they are supposed to help with.
I know it helped me, and that was before the whole trans issue came out.
Can't function in the adult world?
HI,
Gosh, you sound depressed. I hope it's just something that is temporary. Remember not to let the bastards grind you down.
However, you did raise an interesting point. You feel that you can't function in the adult world? I ask you two questions:
First, why do you feel this way? Are you really unable to function? Or are you enabling others to trample on you?
Second, what are you going to do about it? Either you can subsist in your present state, or you can take some measure of control of your future. This is your choice.
I would agree that you need couseling. However, that, in itself, is a decision, and one that you must make. Having 'been there, done that, and got the T-shirt to prove it,' I can suggest that this is an excellent option, although not the only one. Regardless, you must take control of your life.
Red MacDonald
Dorothy, I can understand where you are coming from.
But what I do in these situations is I write the experience down in a diary I have kept since I was 12 years old. What you have done with this experience is you have turned to your friends and family here at BC/TS and wrote it down. That in itself is taking the positive side of the verbal abuse. I was abused throughout my adolescence because my birth mother committed me to the state residential treatment, signed away her parental rights, and didn't care if I lived or died.
You have been verbally attacked, and what you need to do is sit down and say to yourself, "self, we have a goal to complete, don't let the idiots get under your skin. Always walk proud of who you are."
Do this in front of the mirror as many times as you need to, until you actually say to yourself, "self, they are just words so let them be and ignore them. When people laugh at me, I will laugh right along with them. I am strong, I am invincible, I am woman."
I, more than most, know how this has to be done, because if you can't stand for your beliefs, by yourself, and let the morons have their little tirades, then do what you did here. Turn to your friends and family here at BC/TS.
WE MUST SUPPORT EACH OTHER!!! But courage and strength doesn't come over night. It takes time, and the more you laugh with your teasers, the more you will see them stop insulting you and actually turn to pick on someone else.
Just remember this...you have the right to be who you are. If others have to resort to name calling, then they don't know what life is all about. Don't stoop to their level, but just laugh along. When they see they can't get the intended reaction they want from you, they will stop because they will see it does them no good. Good luck, sister Dorothy.
"With confidence and forbearance, we will have the strength to move forward."
Love & hugs,
Barbara
"If I have to be this girl in me, Then I have the right to be."
Quirks.
Ummm dorothy I hate to break it to you. The truly extraordinary people are freaks, myself included. We don't think normally and it's nothing to be ashamed of. We can accomplish some extraordinary things. Don't be surprised if you manage to but you have to get up out of the muck.
The thing is, society doesn't like the paradigm being broken that often. This is why crisis stages don't happen that often. (Thanks Kuhn!!! :D)
Dorothy if you functioned fully in the adult world I imagine you would be incredibly dull. If you're talking about cocktail parties and Country Clubs no thanks. We need adult arcades(BESIDES D&B people!!!!) with Japanese sensibilities(no Maid Cafes please!).
There's nothing wrong with being a touch pessimistic. I'm a cynical optimist however. :D
Please delete the double.
learn to let go
Your real problem is you take everything so personally. You got cursed at, we all do at one point in time or another. Did your life end because you were cursed at? Did you lose your job? Did you get hospitalized? Now that it is over is your life any worse for the wear than it was before you were cursed at?
I see you do this a lot in blogs. You catastrophize everything. It isn't healthy. I suggest learning to take events as they come and give a day or two to pass before reflecting on them. Your knee jerk reaction seems to be "woe is me, the world is ending and I have nothing to wear."
Let me give you a case in point that happened in my life. The other day, one of my co-workers who doesn't like me went to my boss to tell them that I smelled. This isn't the first time he has done it and it probably won't be the last. When he does it, he usually gets a second person to go up to my manager and do the same thing. It is my assumption that he is trying to get me fired. Was I worried, for a little bit yes because all my manager said was he needed to talk to me before I left. After a half hour I saw my manager, he told me of the complaint and then I mentioned the compaintant by name. I know the game. Of course my fear then turned to anger after I had left. The next day, I went to the division manager (because my immediate manager had the night off) and told him I was tired of the games this guy was playing, that I showered nightly (which, unless on very rare occasions I do) and that the center is 110 degrees and that I am going to sweat but not any more than anyone else. Thing is, I let a day go by. I wasn't as angry as I was the day before and I was able to present my case without sounding like a lunatic or making threats. My reward: I was actually complimented by the division manager. He said I was in no way, shape or form near being fired and he praised my work ethic. Can't beat that.
So what's the point. My suggestion for you is that you allow a day before you reflect on your emotions and the situation. Sure, you were probably mad/embarrassed about being cursed at and you had a right to be. But instead of let that have a grip on your life, just let the emotion run the curse without ruminating on the situation. Think about how much stress you had when you thought you were going to pay a years worth of insurance money up front and for what? (see i do read your blogs though)
Katie Leone (Katie-Leone.com)
Writing is what you do when you put pen to paper, being an author is what you do when you bring words to life
What LittleKatie said
Has being a cool cat ever done ME any harm? =)