...from our correspondence yesterday:

You didn't forget; you delayed remembering. With the stress you've been under, give yourself a break. Writing and chronicling these events is extremely therapeutic; emotionally as you process the feelings and understanding and neurologically as your brain processes the memories through right/left brain activity. As hard as it is and as painful as it feels right now, you ARE getting better every day, dear heart. Praying for you always.

As a fellow (do they have a feminine or gender neutral version of that) sufferer of night terrors, I know exactly how this feels. I shiver at times under the covers after being woken up with the most horrific but unidentifiable fears. Along with the all too frequent nightmares, I don't get much sleep. But here's the thing. As someone who deals with memories and indistinct but powerful flashbacks all too frequently, I'm already aware of the nature of these symptoms. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, as we know, doesn't just go away with medication or even great counseling, but is a process that diminishes SLOWLY over time.

As crazy (please forgive the word) as it might sound, being symptomatic in an overt sense is actually a good thing. Memories of past trauma long repressed and unexplored affect the entire body. Immune systems are compromised; memory and cognitive function are affected. Physical symptoms like ulcers and colitis are not uncommon. I'm not telling you anything your counselor and doctor haven't explained, however.

What is helpful with emotional and psychological symptoms like night terrors (cold sweat, shaking, overwhelming fear..etc.) is that the mind is finally catching up with itself and the body; long repressed trauma is brought out and the brain is actually beginning to integrate memories that once were lost but still affecting the system; you know the old expression 'better out than in?'

It's hard, since all of us want the pain to go away right away. For the memories to come out now. But the way it works is that you can't will your brain to remember trauma. Nor can you avoid it when the brain brings things to your recollection that are that painful. The brain does what it does as it does almost spontaneously, but more likely because it is responding to triggers or other stimuli. Almost like letting air out of a balloon slowly as opposed to bursting it or releasing it to fly around the room unchecked, the brain releases 'bad' memories in much the same manner.

Your counselor has also probably told you this; look at yourself now compared to when you became symptomatic. You'll likely note that you're doing much better than you were and definitely much better than you anticipated. What might have sent you into a crying jag or caused you to despair, while still very powerful, is met by a recognition of what is occurring and a resolve to not let it hinder you. I can say, certainly, that you're much more positive in the midst of all this horror. And I can say, with probably a lot more folks here than we know, that while it doesn't go away, it does get better.

As I said, my prayers (and I'm sure other's prayers as well) to you, dear heart.