I had a sobering dose of reality delivered to me by four of the women in my life today. My, mother, sister and two sister's -in-law pretty much told me I have been fooling myself that I could ever think I could ever be successful as a woman the way I have been going. I went to our family reunion yesterday and today my sister-in-law proceeded to chop whatever self confidence I had left in myself to shreds. She told me that I just "existed" in that room yesterday and my body language showed I didn't care. It seems like I am doomed to failure in the make up department too. because no matter how hard I try, I can't find a foundation that does an adequate job of coverage or matches my skin tone. I was told my gray hair makes me look older than my sister-in-law even though we are the same age. I guess when you have money like she does, you can afford to go get a cut and color done at a salon and get yours nails and eyebrows done too. I used to be able to maintain my looks when I actually had a job, so I guess my whole attitude has gone down with it. I have been mired in a depression for a long while now , even though I tried to convince myself, I could muddle through. I guess I have been fooling myself there too. I just need to find a way to pick myself up and go on with life the best I can. When I started this journey, I had a belief in myself that wouldn't allow me to be knocked down and stay down. I have to find that courage again that I had back then to rise up. I realize that they're trying to help me by saying those things, but it still hurts to know I haven't measured up. I will get better at this because I will not allow myself to fail. I will keep saying that over and over and I will find a way. I am sorry I am venting on a down moment, but I figured that so many of you here as my friends, know exactly where I am with this, because so many of us have been there along this road and I knew you would understand. I love each of you!
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Comments
And these people are family?
Jen,
first of all don't be ashamed to *vent* here.
You are hurting and it may help to talk.
AS to these so called family members, other than to confront you in a needed* intervention* -- say you had a drug addiction which is not the case here -- they had no right to say those cruel things to you.
I could understand if they were pointing out how you were letting yourself go and that they were concerned. If they were there to help you that would be one thing.
But this sounds like rubbing salt in the wounds. They seemed to be making themselves feel superior by dumping on you.
YOU ARE WORTHY OF BETTER.
I doubt you would accept such rudeness from strangers. There is no reason to accept it from family.
If this is how they act you are in a toxic situation and should distance yourself from them.
Don't let them dump their shit on you.
It will get better if you try. If you need help get it. You are not as alone as you feel.
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
I gotta agree with john
Jen I have to whole heartly agree with john. Sounds like to me they where dumping on you to make themselves feel better. You don't need that kinda BS.
I admire your tenacity...
...it takes a great deal of strength of character to keep getting back up after getting knocked down. I feel bad that you find the need to apologize for something I know I've been through and a whole huge bunch of other folks here as well. You have my admiration and my prayers that your resolve will help convince your family that you will indeed find a way and they will recognize you're exactly whom you say you are! Thank you!
Love, Andrea Lena
Mean Girls
If you look at it the right way, In a twisted sense your sister-in-law was showing her acceptance of you. That kind of classic bitchery is generally only used by women against other women. Telling the poor girl her look isn't as good as one she can't afford is right out of Mean Girls or The Devil Wears Prada. She's asserting her position as HBIC and putting you in her place below her on the pecking order. So it's almost a good thing. I recommend that the next time it happens to you, you just go ahead and let the pain show on your face - you can even cry like a girl. You don't need to choke back the emotion and take it like a man.
Or you could just work on developing your own bitchcraft and give it back to her the next time she makes you take it. But the danger there is if she starts thinking that you're throwing shade like a drag queen.
sod family
i am the 10th of 14 children (so i have 10 brothers and 3 sisters) and we were raised in a VERY catholic family, i came out via letter back in 2003 or 2004, basically saying this is who i am, if you wish to speak to me fine otherwise goodbye.
Part of the reasoning was i had tried to be the son they expected and failed, and having been kicked around and bullied for most of my life, when i transitioned i vowed never to let some mongrel treat me like dirt again, there was a quote from elanor roosevelt that sums it up "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
My dad said "oh okay i have another daughter", my mother and 10 extremely homophobic brothers barely acknowledge i exist, my eldest sister still calls me andrew to my face, the other 2 i have sporadic contact with.
The point is we can chose our freinds, and family can go **** themselves, yes it hurts to be shutout especially if you are like me and have a very strong sense of family.
A sense of family which in my case is not shared by any of my siblings, we are spread out all over australia nowadays, and most have little contact with the rest, most speak with mum, but i am not kept in the loop, except to be told when anyone dies.
i had GRS in Melbourne in 2006, less than 10 Km from my family home, and only one sister made an effort to visit, not even a get well card or phone call from Mum.
i'm not venting here, just telling you how it's been for me.
on the plus side, i moved to a small country town 200Km NW of Melbourne in 2001, and was welcomed into the local community, after coming out in 2003, I found acceptance from the freinds we had made, and from some organistaionw we were members of, including the Country Fire Authority (i'm a volunteer firey), and the local Classic/Historic car Club, and was even voted in as President of the Car Club in 2009-2011 (and they are very misogynistic blokes), they all know my history and treat me with the respect that any member of society deserves (or earns).
So as i said earlier, we can chose our freinds and for me, they are far more important than family.
love & regards
Amanda
I Got A Sobering Dose Of Reality Today
Why did they not seek to help you instead of attacking you?
May Your Light Forever Shine
i understand
since my brother is a guest of the state.
i have been given the honor of taking care of mom, problem being is that also means i have to deal with all the family hand ups and most of them do it in public which cause quite a few problems.
they (my family)still think i will change back and i can undo the extra internal body part i have
i know my situation is not the same, and i think you should do what most women would do in a situation were other women dont approve of there life style and just leave them to there own opinion and move on.
it is very hard i know but look at it from my point of view you at least get to go home to a small apartment and live without them having to keep calling you your old name.
i on the other hand have to take what they say just until my mother passes.
i know it cruel of the way i think about my mother, but she has never accepted me, for what i am, but being the good daughter that i am i will take care of her until her last breath.
as for you it sound like mom has others that are willing to take good care of her, & your sisters & sister in law can go jump off.
of course that just my opinion
LOL Jo Ann
Jo Ann D
I sometimes get this
sort of criticism from my ex and I'm never sure if it's a way of hurting me or really well intentioned - probably both. Occasionally, I also get compliments as well - so it swings both ways. But because we have lots of history, she can dismiss the politeness of strangers and go for the jugular. I rarely reciprocate because I don't wish to be so aggressive.
I think they could have been showing you some tough love, trying to make you snap out of your lethargy, and perhaps you weren't in the best mood to receive it. Often the timing of these things is a little unfortunate.
What matters now, is what you do about it and from the tone of your blog it looks as if you're going to raise your game. One of the ways of doing so would be to involve one or all of these women in helping you - preferably without it costing too much. I colour my own hair - it costs me about £7.00 as opposed to eight or ten times that in a salon.
Your body language sounded as if the depression was in control - that's something you can alter.
I look forward to hearing how you've fought your way back and possibly how the four harpies helped you.
Hugs,
Angharad.
Angharad
big hug hon
I'm sorry they are making this harder for you. Hugs.
It Comes from Within
Self confidence does not come from a outsider. It comes from within. I have been called "sir" a few times, but I know I am female. Believe in yourself or no one will. "If I am not for myself who will be?" -- Hillel the Great (the Elder) d. 10 C E