The worst thing about having depression is that it tends to sap your energy, making it harder to do the kind of things that would relieve it. Like right now all I want to do is curl up on my bed with my dog and cry and feel sorry for myself about my computer, even though that would probably be the worst thing I could do.

I'll keep fighting the good fight, but its times like these that make me wish more of "team Dorothy" lived close enough to come give me a real life hug.

Ah, well.

I was reading a story here, and when the main character remembered being raped, I was a little surprised at my reaction.

I got mad.

I mean really, really mad. Cold fury ready to hurt something, someone.

For just a moment, I was something dangerous before I managed to get it back under control.

I need a place to get rid of this anger safely, because I'm just a little scared of myself at the moment.

Since I began this blog, I've stated that one of my goals is to be as honest as I can about my journey, and therefore when someone points out something I've said here that's not honest, I need to deal with it, and here goes.

For the last several years, I've referred to the mother of my child in this blog as my "ex", and that is not accurate.

Yes, we are separated, and yes, we will never be a couple again, but the fact remains that in the eyes of the law, I'm still married to her.

I was talking to a friend the other day, and she told me I would need to lose a lot of weight before they would give me surgery - something in the order of more than a third of my body weight, which is probably beyond anything I can achieve.

If that's true, it would mean I will have to be able to endure without it, and honestly, I dont know if I'm strong enough ....

But I'll find the strength.

I'll have to.

But you'll pardon me if I hope I get the surgery instead.

When I was a kid, the first Saturday in August was always a holiday. Just a family holiday but it usually involved a big party with cakes and presents. Why? Because six of us cousins had birthdays within a couple of weeks of each other and two other cousins (including my brother) had real birthdays near Christmas and so celebrated their birthdays with the rest of of us in early August. My birthday is Sunday this year, August 5th, but tomorrow is Summer Saturday, the only holiday in August!

Happy Summer Everyone!

Hugs to all,
Erin

As in guilty as charged. Feeling guilty about not reacting mutch to the post here for one, thaking a leave of absence from the fleet for another and some other stuff.

Also don't get why peepz keep telling me I'm a great person. I really am not

Feeling way down and useless, >ad a lot ofother stuff <... All the stuff at work isn't helping either 'cause the keep pushing the 'useless' side of things.Missing that LGBT youth group. Heck missing every group I was ^part of.

Sorry to be buggingyou eepz with this

Lynne/Kai

Ok. Sitting here kinda freaked out. Check the time stamp I just had a very weird, very disturbing nightmare. Some caution before reading the imagery might be a little graphic it was to me and I probably won't go back to sleep.

Well, today I took my daughter swimming, and it went really well. My female bathing suit didnt cause any problems for her, and she even found some kids to play with.

Feels like a big step forward.

I have come to the point in my life when I really don't see the point in going on another day, another hour, another minute. On the horizon, I don't see even a chance of happiness, or joy, or peace, or contentment. There is no one that I am close with or close to, and I don't really see that changing at all. Any trust that I have ever had in humanity has been squandered. I simply wait to see how the next person is going to take advantage of me, use me, and then discard me like the worthless item I have become.

My friend Kylie took a little quiz, and one of the questions (and her answer) was this:

7) Who do you look up to?

My friend Dorothy. I am awed and amazed at her life. Not that she understands why.

I'm awed and amazed that she's awed and amazed.

I would like to thank all of you for your help and advice, regarding my last few posts, i know i dont often comment, that has more to do with limited time, and typically not always knowing how to repond to all your lovely grand comments which i whole heartedly thank you all for it.

My health at least feels like its getting much better. even though it is uncureable, but the puffers help so at least the infection has seemingly subsided.

I had two very good days over the last week that made my heart sing. The first was at a party a week ago Saturday where i was truly myself in a social situation. i also wore a skirt for the first time. everybody treated me as who i am... not who i was. It felt right and was...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b01l9z10/A_Year_in_the_...
This is a truly beautiful programme, though I know many people outside the UK cannot decode it without some trickery.
If ever anyone wanted to see what Steph'n'Geoff or Steve and the Toffs enjoyed, this is it. The farmer (whom I know slightly) has the most wonderful Gog accent, and the TG link is provided by the poet Twm Morys, son of Jan, who was James...

The above is based on an old song by a group called Garbage, and its about my general attitude in life. I was mentioning the other day to a friend about how ... easy my transition is going, and she said "What? Did you want it to be harder?"

Then in a conversation with my mom, I mentioned about passing, and she said, "maybe you want more attention, and are sorry people arent noticing you, even if that meant they were mean."

Just got back from picking my ex's dog up at the vet - she had teeth problems, and needed one taken out. I was so upset I came home and cuddled with my own dog, breathing in that special feeling you get from the love of a pet.

If you have a pet, please remember to treat it better than you have to, because in them is a love and acceptance rarely found in humans - my dog never cared if I wore a skirt or not, which is better than I can say for some people.

Its probably the hormones, but I need a good cry now ...

Well, I took my bottles in for the refund, and as I often do, I use that as "mad money" to do something nice for myself. Today, I made enough to go get a mani-pedi done, and it was a wonderful experience. Instead of the place in the mall I had tried before, I went to a little place in a strip-mall, and they treated me like a princess from start to finish, including the girl telling me that she almost missed me because she was looking for someone transitioning, and I obviously was a regular girl. (Okay, so it was probably for the tip, but what the heck.)

SO today I finally started taking hormones... or hormone, depending on your view of things.

The doctor put me on 1mg of estradiol twice a day (so a total of 2mg) and we will adjust when the labs come back. Currently I am not taking a testosterone blocker because the last time I had that checked it was at a 75. I suppose if it got higher I can start that again too. I do notice lately that my libido is way down anyway so maybe my body gave up on it.

At least its a start

...when you're having fun!

I've now been entertaining you all with my mixture of witty, inane, sometimes over-analytical and occasionally pertinant / well thought-out comments for just over three years now, believe it or not...

Well, last night was a rough one for me. It started with an uncomfortable feeling in my genital area, which by lunch had progressed to actual pain.

The pain of course caused me a lot of psychological distress to the point that I was hyperventilating, but thank God one of my co-workers seemed to understand why this was so much WORSE for me than for a non trans guy - every painful feeling was a reminder of the part of me I would give anything not to possess at all, and I actually had to repress an urge to take the box-cutting knife I carry and perform some impromptu surgery with it.

I mentioned earlier that I bought a pair of hoop earrings. The one thing I wasn't prepared for was how heavy they feel. It felt like my earlobes were about to drag on the ground. Is this normal? Do people get use to it? Maybe buying at Walmart wasn't the best idea. I want to get some that dangle, but I often temper things with not wanting to push the issue of gender with other people.

When I heard the awful news about a shooting at a midnight premier of "The Dark Knight Rises", I was filled with grief for the victims. Then I found out it had taken place in Aurora, a town I know well, because I lived there for a year. Somehow that made it worse, and I wept openly as the news trickled in about the horrible day.

My prayers are for the victims, their families, and the first responders who managed to bring the shooter in alive to face trial.

Now dont mind me, I think I still have a few tears left to shed.

I Iz So Weird

One of my endearing charms is that I am a total nutter. I am as quirky as all hell, and well known for moodiness. Just ask my poor GF, Sparky. Thank God we, through the miracle of menstrual synchrony, we have our periods at the same time. (File under: too much information from ol' Trap)

Well, my vacation is over, and tonight I go back to work. It will probably be a tough week as we will no doubt be short staffed from vacations, and I wont be used to that level of exercise, but I'll just have to do my best and get back in work shape as fast as I can.