I have a serious question. Do you LIKE getting erections? Is it supposed to feel good?

Well, I dont. I hate mine with a passion. They hurt. They make it harder to wear the kind of clothes I like. And they are a reminder I am not the person I want to be, need to be, or am inside, depending on your point of view.

Ah, well.

My mom found out last night that our little group of rental houses (condos?, not sure, they are connected one to the other, is that a condo?) are going to be sold off. Nobody know for sure what that means, but its possible they want to turn these from rental properties to ownership ones, in which case we wouldnt be able to stay here. My poor mom is panicking, and between that and the big storm we had last night that hailed out her flowers, she's having a rough day.

So, new author name. Now you will have to look up 300 Rains and Kit and Kin under a different name... sorry. But not really... I felt I needed the change.

In other news, I have a tumblr account. For those of you on there, my address is Whistling Wombat

Also, writing has been slow due to life, shoulder and wrist issues as well as the muse taking a vacation while I edit something else. I have started Chapter 5 of K&K, but it is moving slow at the moment. I hope to get it moving faster. Just to let you know.

I was talking to my ex last week when we were walking back from the American Museum in Bath, about that fact that Saturday 14th July, is twenty six years since I transitioned, and went to work as a female for the first time.

She had no recollection of our dash to Cardiff to enhance my wardrobe, though in all fairness, I suppose I had more to remember about it. Looking back, I consider I was very fortunate to working for a then District Health Authority, who were sympathetic. It could have gone much worse.

Sometimes I just need to share things and with limited people in my life I wind up blogging on here. I don't know if that is a good thing or just plain sad, I will just leave it at "It is what it is."

Not so fast, Batman! Okay, not Batman... I'm not a caped crusader, nor am I a man even...

You know, it can be disturbing when one visit's one's primary care doc, and gets referred for extra tests...

I went to Wal-Mart today in my nice new blouse and skirt, and got to chatting with the people on either side of the line up at the pharmacy counter. Then I strolled through a farmer's market, and then stopped on my way home to get a glass of lemonade from a kid's stand. At no point did anyone seem to give me so much as a double take, which once upon a time I would have said was simply impossible for me - there was simply no way I could pass.

Funny how wrong a person can be, isnt it?

I'm still mildly seething, sort of like a dragon with smoke coming out my nostrils, but no flames. In my time being in the world of women, as one, I have never encountered a woman who acted like a man, aside from simply openly hostile, man hater, lesbian women, and even their presentation was, well lacking.

Well, last night I was telling my co-workers about getting my 2nd opinion, and one of my co-workers said "You should have just asked me - I knew you were totally a girl the first time we met."

I asked "how?" and she said, "It just radiates out of you."

Nice, huh?

My ex and I went to see this today. It's based at Claverton Manor just on the outskirts of Bath and literally down the road from the University of Bath - and the RSPCA dog and cat's home.

It's a lovely old house which houses the museum collection, and the most outstanding aspect is the collection of quilting, some of which are awesome and must have taken years to make. I was disappointed that they didn't have more Audobon prints but I suppose they have to change things around every so often.

I went to the doctor for a follow up on my elbow and it seems it is not healing properly so it looks like a visit to th O R to put some screws in to hold it in place. I have more nuts & bolts in me than they have at
Home Depot. Think about this 100 years from now someone with a metal detector going over my burial sight is going to think they hit the jackpot or gold pot at the end of the rainbow because of all the steel & titanium I have in me
HUGS-LOVE & KISSES TO ALL MY BCTS FRIENDS

I was just complimented by a very nice young man on the street today.

That can be a validating, life-affirming moment for any woman my age, let alone a trans one. A reassurance that a man still finds us desirable. It was just the thing I needed, in light of my recent struggles.

I turned and said, "Thank you...." and then my heart sank.

I was laid of in Jan 2011 and have tried to find work without much success but thats the case all over the country,I did sign on with up with several employment agencies but have had approx 26 days of work to date.
With only my Army pension I found it difficult to pay the bills and ended up being evicted on 23 April this year so I am living in a tent along with my dogs somewhere on the Pennines.

Well, tomorrow is my birthday, and I'll be an ancient 46 years old. I missed being a Canada day baby by a couple of hours, apparently, but ah, well.

I doubt very much that when my mom carried home this tiny baby boy she ever dreamed that 45 years later she'd be shoe shopping for Mary Jane flats with him ...

Her acceptance of me is one of the blessings in my life, but I have a lot of those, and I'm trying to remember to be more grateful for them. You never know when one of them may go away, after all.

Happy Canada Day, everyone.

MOVING

To day we have started our move to a larger apartment and I am a bit on cloud 11 [better than 9] We will have separate bedrooms for the girls, I get a larger bedroom and a walk in closet, the kitchen and living room are larger and we now have a dining area.

The cherry on top of all of this is that it is just down the hall from our smaller apartment.

My mom started fooling around with my hair last night, and now I have an honest-to-goodness pony tail. The ex had a bit of a freak out about it, but that's to be expected.

I kinda like it, though.

think I've reached a point in my journey where I feel confident enough to try out different looks to see what one suits me best. For example, I've been wearing a very subtle plum shade of nail color, and today I decided to try a bold red instead. I'm also looking at hairstyles, to see what I can do with that as well, although I still have a bit of thinness at the front that I would like to cover over as much as it can be.

I think a good step forward for me, and kinda fun besides.

This storm is coming on shore at Cedar Key with is only about 20 miles away from my house . The good thing is at the center the rain and winds are light, we had are rain on Sunday 12 plus inches .This is a dry (wet) run for a hurricane and hopefully this is as bad as it get this year. I have lived here 6 years and this is the first tropical type storm we have had not to bad . Stay dry HUGS EVERYBODY -- RICHIE

That last line sounds like it should be on an AB site (stay dry huggies) LOL

The worst part of not being in a relationship right now? Not having someone to hold me while I shake during a PTSD moment.

They're scary sometimes, and hurt all the time, and I ache afterward, but the worst part is going through them alone, when all you want is someone to put their arms around you so you can feel safe.

I love my online friends, and I'm super grateful for their support, and I've been pretty lucky at finding someone to talk to when things have been bad, but I ache sometimes for a pair of actual arms around me, holding me and supporting me.

Ah, well.

As strange as it may sound, I'm rather hoping that the doctor who will do my 2nd opinion does more than just rubber-stamp me onto the SRS waiting list.

I hope he takes the time and effort to make sure of me, because sometimes I'm less than sure myself, and having a medical person confirm my status would help me deal with those anxieties.

But, only time will tell - 3 weeks and 4 days, to be exact.

Some of you here knew that I was a Muslim of the non-bomb making sect, until January of this year, and had adopted the first name of Khadijah in honor of Muhammad's first wife.

I went to the YMCA this morning, and I had a wonderful time. I got shown around, given a free pass for the day, and got info on how I might be able to get a membership at a discount or even free if I qualify based on my income. Then I used the pass and went into the pool and swam for an hour, just enjoying the ability to go out as a woman without any mistreatment.

So that was good, but now for some reason I'm really shaky. Dont know if its depression, or flashbacks, or what, but I'm really struggling to hold on to my happy

Ah, well.