So it's been a week and a day since my last blog. It's been an eventful one.

I became estranged from my family on Dec 23, 2004. I don't know whose Idea it was but recently I wrote a letter to my youngest daughter and her husband refused to take delivery, saying she did not want it. I took the loss of the family very hard and some of you will recall that I was hospitalized a half dozen times, tried suicide twice and spent 3 years on some very heavy psych drugs.

The last two years have been the happiest days of my life, until I wrote that letter.

I almost died the other day, or, in the very least, got seriously injured. That might account something for my pissy mood and the feeling that I am just moments away from yet another calamity.

Just posted this on facebook where my sister-in-law follows my post:

If you are one of the people who are either conflicted or opposed to my transition, I'd like to tell you a few things.

First, Bless you.

You could have easily decided to just cut me out, have nothing more to do with me, but you're sticking around, and that's an amazing thing.

I'm going to assume you care, or you'd be gone, so let me try to explain the biggest thing about this transition.

I'm a better person for doing this.

Snap, crackle and pop may be good sounds to hear in your breakfast cereal, but not so much when its your body making it.

Yesterday, I noticed that my left shoulder makes some ugly noises when I try and rotate the arm, and things only seemed to spread from there.

First it went to my neck, actually causing me pain when I tried to stretch at work, and then my knees started doing it too, almost blinding me with pain.

Thank God for painkillers, but I'd prefer to have not too many days like that if there is a better choice.

Ah, well.

Well, last night we had a new manager (dont know it this is a permanent thing or temporary) and I managed to make a good impression with my speed, my flexibility,, and my willingness to jump in wherever needed.

Then this afternoon I overslept and had to really hurry to get to pick up Sam on time and not ONCE did I berate myself, which would be the norm before. Instead I just did my best, and she was there just before I got there and everything was fine.

I think I'm starting to get some traction, and its all due to liking the person I see in the mirror, both physically and otherwise.

So I went in to see my GP for some allergy relief (yes your teenaged son is allergic to grass not just a type of grass, all grass.) and he said he needed to get an update on all my particulars. Break here for background info.

Most Hispanic males are short. I on the other hand tipped the chart at 5’10” upper scale of height for my ethnic group. Hello all you shorties down there. That was the height on my license at sixteen that was the height I had always been right, right. Back to the doctors office.

Went out for coffee with a friend yesterday, and caught sight of a pretty woman while outside looking in.

Then realized, the pretty woman was me.

I looked good.

When the heck did that happen? When did I start looking so good?

I've even noticed my walk is more feminine now, and its not like I spend a lot of time practising. It just ... happened.

I dont think I've ever been happier, and it wouldn't have happened without the amazing support I've recieved from "team Dorothy."

Thank you. Thanks and beyond thanks.

I am currently evaluating my situation and I think I've discovered what is wrong with my life.

Hi everyone I haven't blogged for a while but just had to share my experience I had yesterday, It was fathers day here in Australia and I was invited to my daughters house for lunch, The difference is I am living full time as a woman and I pass without any problem.My daughter took me shopping for make up at the local shopping center. I am still on a high as i write this blog.

Hugs to all Carla (Roo)

Be careful, I'm in a really, really bad place tonight. It might be a very good idea not to read this.

I’m trying to write a story, but I’m so ANGRY! I was visiting some relatives, and I heard somebody talking about “those Transgender freaks, and how anyone who would let their child think he is transgender should have their ass kicked.”

My own family.

No, as some of you may have noticed, I'm still around. Life continues along it's merry way, despite our expectations that something life changing has happened.

I've been living with a lot of pain for the last two years. The rotator cuff in my left shoulder is pretty torn up. I've been able to function, barely. Yesterday I received word surgery to repair it has been approved. Yeah!

September 24 I go under the knife.

This is critical for me. I have at least two surgeries too get through before I can even contemplate SRS. I'm happy this is finally under way! December I should be able to have surgery on my right ankle. That means I'll be on track for SRS sometime late next year!!

Please, keep me in prayer.

Love, Hugs, and Blessings

Had a bit of a tough moment today, where all the stress of my mom's job, our potentially losing this place, and a realization that I might just possibly be attracted to men all hit me at the same time.

Fortunately, Tels was there to talk to me on the phone, and she recommended I get up off the couch where I had been huddling, stand up, and walk with one foot right in front of the other, tightrope style.

It helped.

I just got back from going out for breakfast with my mom, and it was a strange experience. Our server was not only a cheerful and talkative young lady, she seemed to want to touch me as often as she could - rubbing my back, my arm, and once actually sitting in the booth beside me.

I have no idea why.

Otherwise, it was an okay day, I got my blood work done, so that's one more step taken care of.

Each step, even a baby one, is a good one, I think.

I feel like I'm slowly getting stronger again, and its a good thing. I might need the extra energy the next two weeks as I'm going to a new store to help get it set up. Being with strange people, wondering how well I'm passing, trying to work in an unfamiliar store - it could be very interesting ....

For some reason, I'm on a "hair trigger" in terms of flashbacks at the moment, dropping into shaky moments at the drop of a hat, often without any trigger that I know about.
Pray for me, please.

I forgot to talk about my visit to the doctor's today. My old family doctor had retired, so I saw his replacement. I gave him the Cliff Notes on my situation, and he gave me a total physical. He had a nurse there for dealing with my fiddly bits (partially because I told him about being abused, I suspect, and partially to honour my preferred gender.)

The worst part was getting a rectal exam, which was as horrible an experience as you might expect for someone who has been raped like I was.

Life is stomping all over me this summer(with alpine spikes). Since the death of my Mom in the spring I have tried to set things right and move on with life. That has been delayed due to the pettiness of some Medicaid cretins. they determined in with their rules and procedures to only give Mom partial coverage so that the creditors were left with unpaid sums of money which they feel is due them, probably rightly so, but they have begun court proceedings to get the money from me.

I had a sobering dose of reality delivered to me by four of the women in my life today. My, mother, sister and two sister's -in-law pretty much told me I have been fooling myself that I could ever think I could ever be successful as a woman the way I have been going. I went to our family reunion yesterday and today my sister-in-law proceeded to chop whatever self confidence I had left in myself to shreds. She told me that I just "existed" in that room yesterday and my body language showed I didn't care. It seems like I am doomed to failure in the make up department too.

This only goes to show you how life is stranger than fiction.

I went to see my lawyer this morning, really just to sign the motion for him to get the case dismissed. The state came back this morning with another offer, removing two of the charges against me. I decided to not risk 15 years in prison and instead settle on 6 months probation. The probation doesn't have me attending any classes or effect my life in any way other than to mail in something every month saying that I am alive.

First -

This post is about the closest friend I have in the world FO. I have known him for about seventeen years; we have been through a lot together and always stuck with each other. No one in my life knows about me but last night that changed. I don’t have to tell you folks that depression is a mighty powerful thing, the only outlet I have in my life to be me is this wonderful site and the friends I have made here. I had been getting less and less sleep because of nightmares and depression along with the day(ugh)job being a bitch. I have been debating telling FO for awhile.