I just got back in the door from the Endo doc, and things are mixed. My testosterone levels are still way too high, so high the doc asked if I was missing doses.

Yesterday, I had a total brain fart day. First, when I got to work, I realized I had forgotten to bring my shoes. This is a big deal, because we aren't supposed to be on the floor without steel toes.

Theoretically, they could have sent me home, but its Christmas rush, and they need every warm body they can get, so I was told to be extra careful, but to keep on going.

Then, at lunch, I discovered I had also forgotten to pack my pills, so that was a pain as well, and obviously a sign I had let all the stuff going on get me off focus.

Ok, so yesterday I passed another year. I am now the age that Douglas Adams postulated as the answer to that very big question in the title of this here blog. This is significant because it has brought about an epiphany, usually folks wait for new years to make resolutions but as this is the first day of my new age it will be the first day of my new life.

In all my years of living full-time in my chosen gender, the biggest frustration was probably my voice. While not exactly basso profundo, it still gave off a definite "male" signal to others in the earliest years. Yet, paradoxically, I can remember being called "ma'am" on the phone on many occasions pre-transition. (The answer, I realized many years later, was that my telephone voice had a certain lilt that read as female to those on the other end, but I didn't know about modulation at the time. So it was a complete mystery to me).

In 2007 I came home from a Transgender Day of Remembrance and went on my computer. I was told by a virtual niece that a virtual daughter was murdered. The alleged murder claimed that she accidentally choked herself with her scarf. He was acquitted of the "murder." The Evil Witch Family is poorer because of her death.

Holly and I had a temporary roommate who was a drug addict. She got clean through a drug rehab program and decided to help the transgender community by helping other drug addicts. She was murdered because of her interference in December 2010.

This is unbelievable!

I missed my sixth anniversary!

Can you believe it's been six years since I began stalking this site? I can't. I didn't realise it had been so long.

Kylie, my oldest and best friend and the reason you're able to read this, may be gone from my life, and no idea if she'll be back. It hurts as much as you can imagine, but I haven't been able to grieve - I had a busy shift at work, then had my first session with the weight loss group, and then got about 4 hours of sleep before I got a call from Samantha's mother saying she had taken Sam to the doctor for a severe allergy attack.

At some point, I'll stop and grieve and let the hurt out, but for now its .... bottled up.

I'm not sure this is a good thing or not.

Things last time sounded messed up. Well, they got worse, sorta.

Hello cruel world.

What I said to my husband… And what I couldn’t say.

I feel awfully sorry for one of my roomates. I take my hormones through a Vivelle patch because my internal organs can not handle the pills. In the last several months, some of them have been coming up missing, not a lot but just a few. I don't really mind unless my provider starts accusing me of overdosing.

I shudder to think what he/she is getting started. Still, I understand the compulsion. I was stealing birth control pills years ago. And to think that I complain once in a while that my becoming a woman was a mistake. Someone tell the girl to shut up!

Well, last night, I made a birthday dinner for my mom, my brother, and my sister-in-law. It actually went well, they liked what I made, and it went about as good as I could hope for.

Not every fallen soldier meets his end on the battlefield. Many come home, bringing wounds too deep to heal with them that eventually take their life.

To my grandfather who always treated me well...and all of his friends who didn't return from 'Over There'

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,

Much, much, much better night last night. Not only was I able to stock all the Christmas candies in the front pod, I was able to help out in the Health and Beauty section, which the girl working there really appreciated.

As for my concerns regarding the surgery, I have a cunning plan .... Not ready to share yet, but lets just say I'm seeing what my options my be, and what I can do to improve my odds of a good life post SRS. I'll give more details when I figure out a couple of things.

Not my best night last night. First, I was talking with the other person who has had SRS, and while she didnt want to discourage me, she pointed out that most of the girls who have the surgery have higher incomes and jobs that dont take as much physical strength.

While I was still struggling with that, I made some mistakes in putting stuff out and it frustrated both me and my supervisor, which isnt what I want to do considering I'm counting on a reference from her when I go to transfer to a closer store.

A while back, I wrote an entry that went something like this - "I've read a lot of stories here about a boy who becomes a girl, and when he sees the new person he's become, he's amazed (or even aroused) about how good he looks. Well, I dont live in one of those stories"

Apparently, I spoke too soon.

I was getting dressed this morning, and I had put on a cami as another layer in the cold weather, and happened to glance at my reflection.

Then I looked down at my chest, and back at the girl in the mirror, and actually swore.

I'm ... beautiful.

I just got back from taking Samantha's mom home, and had to talk about this amazing moment.

Last night, I was in the back when the old song "You sexy thing" came on the radio, and for a moment, I was filled with confidence. I was able to say to myself, "I'm female, I'm fantastic, and yes, I am actually sexy."

I just .... strutted for most of the rest of the shift, and wow, does that feel good ....

I've been doing a lot of thinking about where I am going with this GID stuff. Actually, I haven't, but I do have a few thoughts about what I want to do.

Got a great compliment last night. I was able to arrive a little early, and there was a new staffer from the evening shift having a late break in the back room. We got to talking, and I mentioned that I have a daughter, and her next question was, "And your husband?"

Obviously, she assumed I was a genetic girl, who had mothered my child.

Felt very, very nice.

Pretty cool, no?

Fucked up
Insecure
Neurotic and
Emotional.

In light of so many people posting daily about how their lives are going downhill... I thought I should post something positive.

I had to pay over 500 dollars in repairs to my van this week (New radiator, then new water pump and a wheel hub) which I actually had. But, it seems that all my bills are due this week. Another 400 dollars. That means I have about 100 dollars in the bank and it will run me at least 150 to put gas in my van. This is what happens when you live paycheck to paycheck. I was saving money, but with the unforseen repair bills, I am screwed.

OK, here it is. http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/health/2012/05/25/man-admitted-t...