Autobiographical

Well, on to my next insecurity--or, all about the voice...

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In all my years of living full-time in my chosen gender, the biggest frustration was probably my voice. While not exactly basso profundo, it still gave off a definite "male" signal to others in the earliest years. Yet, paradoxically, I can remember being called "ma'am" on the phone on many occasions pre-transition. (The answer, I realized many years later, was that my telephone voice had a certain lilt that read as female to those on the other end, but I didn't know about modulation at the time. So it was a complete mystery to me).

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Went to TGDOR today

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Well, I just got back from the Transgender Day of Remembrance, and it was very moving. So moving, in fact, that between the emotions it brought up, the stress of losing my best friend, the stress of my daughter's allergy attack on Friday, the stress of her mother's health problems, the stress of my job ....

I'm a little over-stressed, I think.

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TDoR, A Reflection

In 2007 I came home from a Transgender Day of Remembrance and went on my computer. I was told by a virtual niece that a virtual daughter was murdered. The alleged murder claimed that she accidentally choked herself with her scarf. He was acquitted of the "murder." The Evil Witch Family is poorer because of her death.

Holly and I had a temporary roommate who was a drug addict. She got clean through a drug rehab program and decided to help the transgender community by helping other drug addicts. She was murdered because of her interference in December 2010.

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Waves of grief

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I'm grieving the loss of my friend, and as I do I notice that this is not a straightforward process. It seems like my grief comes in waves, and in between them I almost feel normal, until the next big wave hits.

It almost feels like some part of me knows I couldnt take the whole thing at once, so has arranged for me to have respites to prevent me from being overwhelmed.

Ah, well.

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delaying grief?

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Kylie, my oldest and best friend and the reason you're able to read this, may be gone from my life, and no idea if she'll be back. It hurts as much as you can imagine, but I haven't been able to grieve - I had a busy shift at work, then had my first session with the weight loss group, and then got about 4 hours of sleep before I got a call from Samantha's mother saying she had taken Sam to the doctor for a severe allergy attack.

At some point, I'll stop and grieve and let the hurt out, but for now its .... bottled up.

I'm not sure this is a good thing or not.

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Paid off my credit card today

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A couple of years ago, when I started working for Zellers, I got a credit card, which turned out to be a mistake - I was not prepared to handle it, and eventually cut up the card.

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Hello again!

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Well. After the longest eight months of my short life, I'm finally back, writing again. As to why I was gone so long, real life and illness took up all my time. I found out a lot about myself and a lot of other things, what was important and what wasn't. I lost almost everything material that i possessed and a long term relationship as well as my health. The whole experience made me stronger and maybe nicer and certainly a lot more patient.

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As if I needed proof I'm on the right path

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If I needed more proof that I'm on the right path, the church that is holding the local Transgender Day of Remembrance called me to find out if I was going, and the lady also let me know that the church will have a trans paster in the new year ...

Sounds like a green light to me, don't you agree?

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Missing Hormones

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I feel awfully sorry for one of my roomates. I take my hormones through a Vivelle patch because my internal organs can not handle the pills. In the last several months, some of them have been coming up missing, not a lot but just a few. I don't really mind unless my provider starts accusing me of overdosing.

I shudder to think what he/she is getting started. Still, I understand the compulsion. I was stealing birth control pills years ago. And to think that I complain once in a while that my becoming a woman was a mistake. Someone tell the girl to shut up!

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Stuff, updates?

Ok folks so I haven't been reading much or commenting and I'm sorry. Work is still the same, absolutely no changes. But that's not what this is about. What is it about you ask? Well gentle reader it is about, I got a vacation request approved and am off this whole week WOOHOO!!!. I have been writing like a madwoman I am collaborating with another author on the site and I am inspired.

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made my mom a birthday dinner

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Well, last night, I made a birthday dinner for my mom, my brother, and my sister-in-law. It actually went well, they liked what I made, and it went about as good as I could hope for.

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Sandy, Stories, and life

So I thought I'd give an update because SOME members of BCTS are in NJ and were in the path of Hurricane/super storm Sandy at the end of October. Personally, although portions of the town are devastated/condemned (the sub shop that has been where it is for over 40 years as well as the fishery are either gone or condemned), had major property damage, or will be without power for a while (probably the next town over).

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Proof, proof, where's the proof?

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A very curious thing happened this morning, which kind of has me in a panic. I looked at my breasts in the mirror, and for a moment, found myself hating them.

That very well could be a danger sign, a sign that deep down, I want to de-transition, which understandably has not had a very good effect on my mood. De-transitioning is the last thing in the world I want, especially after fourteen years of living as female. And the feeling is not constant, just on certain days. So what's going on?

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Remembrance Day / Veteran's Day

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To my grandfather who always treated me well...and all of his friends who didn't return from 'Over There'

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,

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Now, That's more like it!

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Much, much, much better night last night. Not only was I able to stock all the Christmas candies in the front pod, I was able to help out in the Health and Beauty section, which the girl working there really appreciated.

As for my concerns regarding the surgery, I have a cunning plan .... Not ready to share yet, but lets just say I'm seeing what my options my be, and what I can do to improve my odds of a good life post SRS. I'll give more details when I figure out a couple of things.

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Chrome like dead horse!

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So, you geeks, please do not try to bully me into using some software that I can not even pronounce. I like to drive computer, but checking oil, and tyres, I cannot! What about my nails! Yallah !!!

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When life hands you lemons ...

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Not my best night last night. First, I was talking with the other person who has had SRS, and while she didnt want to discourage me, she pointed out that most of the girls who have the surgery have higher incomes and jobs that dont take as much physical strength.

While I was still struggling with that, I made some mistakes in putting stuff out and it frustrated both me and my supervisor, which isnt what I want to do considering I'm counting on a reference from her when I go to transfer to a closer store.

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Living in a story

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A while back, I wrote an entry that went something like this - "I've read a lot of stories here about a boy who becomes a girl, and when he sees the new person he's become, he's amazed (or even aroused) about how good he looks. Well, I dont live in one of those stories"

Apparently, I spoke too soon.

I was getting dressed this morning, and I had put on a cami as another layer in the cold weather, and happened to glance at my reflection.

Then I looked down at my chest, and back at the girl in the mirror, and actually swore.

I'm ... beautiful.

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The RCMP makes an "It gets better" video

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Read in the paper this morning that the RCMP (Canada's national police force) has made an "It gets better" video.

Well done, mounties.

Well done.

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A"sexy thing"

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Last night, I was in the back when the old song "You sexy thing" came on the radio, and for a moment, I was filled with confidence. I was able to say to myself, "I'm female, I'm fantastic, and yes, I am actually sexy."

I just .... strutted for most of the rest of the shift, and wow, does that feel good ....

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Got a great compliment at work

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Got a great compliment last night. I was able to arrive a little early, and there was a new staffer from the evening shift having a late break in the back room. We got to talking, and I mentioned that I have a daughter, and her next question was, "And your husband?"

Obviously, she assumed I was a genetic girl, who had mothered my child.

Felt very, very nice.

Pretty cool, no?

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Happy tears

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Got to talking with a friend about SRS. and started crying happy tears. I'm a little emotional (okay, so I lied. I'm a LOT emotional), and I'm having trouble keeping it together.

Ah, well.

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Broke

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I had to pay over 500 dollars in repairs to my van this week (New radiator, then new water pump and a wheel hub) which I actually had. But, it seems that all my bills are due this week. Another 400 dollars. That means I have about 100 dollars in the bank and it will run me at least 150 to put gas in my van. This is what happens when you live paycheck to paycheck. I was saving money, but with the unforseen repair bills, I am screwed.

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A busy and productive day

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Well, I've had a busy day off. I went and did my month-end banking, got my daughter a bus pass for November, booked my car in for service tomorrow, started work on a new story and was contacted by the weight loss clinic and set up an appointment.

I was really happy about the last, because it means I can get started on a weight loss regimen right away, and I told them about the transition, and they seemed pretty cool with it, so that's good.

Another tiny step forward, I think.

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It's official

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I've been watching this for weeks, wondering when it will happen. But, THE DRESS PUNISHMENT is now my second most popular story by hit counter, finally taking the place of The Christmas Diary on my top 10 list (God Bless the Child Title page is still number 1 but may be misleading). So good job for a story that is 8 or 9 years younger than it's sister and was written on a whim, and I still don't know who O'Henry or what a shaggy dog is.

Someone bake a celebratory cake!!!!

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100th Anniversary...

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In My Life -
Thoughts and Dreams and Hopes

"Crying is all right in its own way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later,
and then you still have to decide what to do."
- C.S. Lewis


a blog by Andrea DiMaggio
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A good night

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Well, last night was a pretty good night at work. I felt like I accomplished a lot, and kept up to the pace expected of me.

Nice to have that after the nastiness of the last couple of days.

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