just came home from church. Not only a nice service on hungering for God, but a communion service, and they also gave me a healing oil and a prayer. I also got a chance to have a nice long chat with the minister's partner, and she's really cool. Finally, I have a church I can call home ....

Had a conversation with a friend the other day, and she mentioned how I looked when I am having a flashback - my face gets flushed, tears form in my eyes, and I get this "I'm not home" look. For some reason, finding this out shook me, I dont exactly know why ....

Last night I had terrible pain in my privates. Nothing worse than hurting in a part of your body you wish didnt exist in the first place...

Kylie has given me permission to share this little back and forth ...

fair warning to all. My next story is dark. Very, very dark ....

I've always been a believer that much of the trouble we find ourselves in is influenced if not created by us. Okay, so I don't have much influence on the weather, the movement of celestial bodies or the government, but I do in regard to the things I do.

A bit of a tough night last night, the evil "tape" that runs in my head and jumps on every failure and mistake I make as proof of my utter worthlessness was running hot. I really need a more positive tape in my brain, but at this point, a loop of the Bee Gee's greatest hits would be an improvement ....

Well, I'm going to try and not spend time worrying about my brother and sister-in-law. they will do what they think best, and so must I. And what's best for me is to try and focus on the blessings I have, which my daughter is one of the best. I love her laugh especially, sometimes I say goofy stuff to her just to get her giggling, its such a sweet sound in my ears. As long as I have that, I'll be okay.

First off, I want people to know that I am feeling better. Yesterday was me going through some things that sometimes crop up. That memory has always been a part of me, but I haven't reflected on it in a long time and all of a sudden it wanted to be dealt with. When you aren't prepared for something, it can throw you for a loop.

I am back on track. I am loving my life and looking forward to a future, one that might even require me changing my name (both first and last).

I also have hit some milestones that I would like to share.

Probably going to the doctor in the morning. Please be good to each other.

Hugs,
Erin

Well, I went to my interview with Target, and it didnt go like I expected at all. I was interviewed twice by two different pairs of people, and then basically hired on the spot - I have a tentative employment with them starting the beginning of March. So now, I have a decision to make - go with them, or stay with Wal-mart?

Pray I make the right call here ....

So yesterday was not a good day for me in terms of my emotions.

In my first part of my blog I promised to post my reasons for choosing the symbol for Aleph Null as my avatar. I've taken it from a Novella to a short story by just skipping a jot of stuff, but it's still a bit long. So I'll post it here and leave a link to the original Blog.

http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/42663/no-no-im-not-shouti...

How did you choose your avatar?

I wonder if someone could help me find a story on here about a young boy who was injured in a taxi wreck ,and his life afterwards I read it once but lost the thread,& being old & forgetful I cant remember the title nor the Authors name anyone??

OK, I know I asked about this befor, I think. The thing is that I sometimes have problems keeping my thoughts straight, so perhaps I would not remember if someone had helped me, perhaps.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #50: Makeup 101, Ala-Bobbie To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

There was a blog-question relating to makeup recently, and I wanted to respond, but as I was writing it, I noticed how long my comment was turning out to be, and how involved I got, so I decided to write a new blog altogether.

every once in a while, I read a non-trans story that makes me feel like putting on a tinfoil hat, because the author has caught my emotions perfectly, even while talking about something else.

I had commented on a post by my friend Aurelia saying I couldnt even pretend to be normal, and this was her response:

I will becoming up on 4 years here at BCTS and have enjoyed so many wonderful stories. I just want to Thank Everybody for the friendship that is shown here at BCTS
Love to everybody HUGS RICIE@

I often wondered why I had to go through a lot of the things that I did. It seemed that the universe thought that I was some cosmic joke and used me as it's whipping boy. Between abuse and a lack of permanence, I thought that chaos reigned in the universe and there was nothing I could do about it. I hated myself for complaining about my life, because there were others that had it way worst.

I used to hate my life

I don't anymore and I hope this could be an encouragement to a few.

I've been thinking and praying a lot today, and I've decided I'm going to continue my transition, the rejection by my brother and sister-in-law notwithstanding. Maybe that makes me a "selfish bitch" in my sister-in-laws words, but it has to be done. I love them, and my heart aches that they think this transition somehow hurts them, but I have to seek wholeness.

Well, I came home this morning to a message from my sister saying my brother was hurt by the reaction of my friends on facebook and by my not jumping to his defense. So I did the only thing I could do - I sent a loving response, and then took my dog for a walk outside in my prettiest skirt, just because I could. I'm not going to let them pull me down anymore. I love them, but I need to keep myself healthy first and foremost.

well, my brother and sister in law took the time to send replies to my facebook post about finding guys attractive, and frankly, their reaction stings. My brother's reply pretty much implied that I was trying to talk myself into being attracted to a guy, and not only that, that I had talked myself into feeling like a girl in the first place.

He may not have meant to hurt me, but I find his response to be a slap in the face, and it hurts.

Gonna go cry for a bit, then I'm gonna fix my face, and start moving again. Not going to let this stop me....