Hi everyone!

I really wanted to wait before I posted this until I understood it myself, but that is probably never going to happen. I don't think I have the mental capacity to wrap my brain around the issue and part of me is hoping that as a collective group we can come up with at least some theories why I am so fucking worthless that I deserve all the shit that comes my way.

Why is it that some people feel that telling someone that is over weight they look to have lost some when they have no idea if they have is a complement? (okay reading that sentence lost even me, I'm probably doing something grammatically incorrect.)

OK, I need some help please?

Heyo! Your friendly neighborhood Jenn here with some random stuff to talk about. Job is going well at the new store, already feel like a valued member of the team. The manager who I respect and know outside of work as a friend, made an effort in the store meeting to convey to the staff that I was to be treated as a resource due to my long experience working for the company. He said he expected the others to go to me if any questions need answering, and a member of management is not available. He has asked me to take on new duties to bring the new store up to speed.

Some of you know I'm a pastor. I've been available to anyone who needs me. Usually I've been able to say something reassuring, helpful, etc... Now it's me, I'm feeling adrift, and unable to control the way my life is moving.

Some facts. First, I'm not taking any hormones, second, I've been actively losing weight.

Well yesterday (Sunday) I came out to my folks, their reaction ... Oh ok ... Are you sure? ... This is going to make your life even harder ... etc ... no screaming, no shouting just acceptance (with a large side order confusion)

So. Yaayness I'm out to my folks, I'm just waiting for the local NHS trust to put my referral through the Charring Cross GIC and so far all systems are go. Now if only I could have my Benefits run as smoothly :(

Happy Huggles
Sammi (who is one step closer to being one with herself :))

This day has had an enormous swing of emotions and since my only friends are on this site, I figured I would share them with you.

Well, I had a very good night at work, and it helped beat back the negative self-talk I had been fighting with, and that's a good thing.

Well, last night, Samantha's mother found a letter at her work that said the health department had done an inspection of the doctor's office she cleans, and said the bathrooms are below par.

I dreamt of a man last night.

It wasnt a sexual dream, but he was standing in front of me, and I found myself realizing he had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen.

At this point, I've been asked to leave my house. I'm sure I can move that date forward or backward by as much as a month.

Well, a couple of days ago Kylie got a hold of me, which was good, since by then I was pretty much convinced I'd never hear from her again, and that she was going to go off herself.

What am I thankful for? Easy answers right, maybe not. The standard stuff applies here I have my family, my job, the roof over my head, but I am also very thankful for friends. I have two friends who know me now both have been my friends for many years and I was pretty sure they would be supportive. Talking to them has brought me to a better place, I can honestly say I was headed in a not so good direction and wasn't sure how it would have ended.

ts my weekend, and boy, am I glad. Two days off, yay!

Well, I hit a new low, a good one. I am now down to 192 pounds, and holding. Now to get through Thanksgiving without putting any on, which is almost inevitable, but I have managed to keep the controlled loss going so far. I am planning stopping just short of anorexia, say under 170 pounds, then letting HRT put the fat back on where it will.

As if I needed more stress, the little improvised repair job mom did for car finally failed, and now I'm missing a piece of my front bumper. I will have to fix it, no choice, except I dont know how I'm going to pay for it.

Plus, I noticed when I came on today that my friend Kylie has dropped me from her "buddy" list for instant messaging, meaning that I have no way to contact her at all (I have her email, but she can block that, or even change her mailbox, and I will never even know it.) So it finally hit me I've lost her forever, and my heart is broken.

Well, I just got back from the Transgender Day of Remembrance, and it was very moving. So moving, in fact, that between the emotions it brought up, the stress of losing my best friend, the stress of my daughter's allergy attack on Friday, the stress of her mother's health problems, the stress of my job ....

I'm a little over-stressed, I think.

I'm grieving the loss of my friend, and as I do I notice that this is not a straightforward process. It seems like my grief comes in waves, and in between them I almost feel normal, until the next big wave hits.

It almost feels like some part of me knows I couldnt take the whole thing at once, so has arranged for me to have respites to prevent me from being overwhelmed.

Ah, well.

Sorry for moaning like this, but just getting kind of fed up with it.

Having only just finished reading "Beach Head", I was surprised to have a sort "flashback", albeit a good one. :)

A couple of years ago, when I started working for Zellers, I got a credit card, which turned out to be a mistake - I was not prepared to handle it, and eventually cut up the card.

Well. After the longest eight months of my short life, I'm finally back, writing again. As to why I was gone so long, real life and illness took up all my time. I found out a lot about myself and a lot of other things, what was important and what wasn't. I lost almost everything material that i possessed and a long term relationship as well as my health. The whole experience made me stronger and maybe nicer and certainly a lot more patient.

If I needed more proof that I'm on the right path, the church that is holding the local Transgender Day of Remembrance called me to find out if I was going, and the lady also let me know that the church will have a trans paster in the new year ...

Sounds like a green light to me, don't you agree?