Warning, may be disturbing.

I am writing a new blog entry to answer the question from Renee M on my entry she has a boyfriend now.

If you want to go into it, could you tell when your feeling toward guys changed? I think mine changed because of 2 months of estrogen, but I can image just going full time and always being treated as a womyn could also "free oneself" to admire and be attracted to men.

The answer is rather complicated. I have to go back to when I was 15. Then I was totally unaware sexually. Even my wet dreams were without a target and were more annoying than anything else. Well, also a bit scary because I was sure if my parents found out, I would get another nasty lecture about it all being inappropriate.

Then it happened. I think my mother most have thought my lack of interest in women meant that I may be gay. Honesty, it is the only thing that makes sense to me. Some guy who occasionally rode my school bus came by my house in his car that day before I got home from school. He quickly made friends with my mother and convinced her he wanted to be my friend. And then in standard southern tradition, he asked permission to take me out.

When I got home, I was told I was going out with him. I'll call him Tom for now. I did not even like the guy, but I really did not have much choice. My mother ruled with an iron hand and she had spoken. So we headed toward the local Sonic. Only on the way there, he turned off onto one of the farm roads, and I found myself in the car alone with him in the middle of a rice field.

When he began to fondle me, I froze. Eventually I was raped. I did not even fight back. I just was not there. But knowing that I did not fight him was the worst guilt of all. Boys are supposed to fight to the death over such things and I had failed completely. Worse, it happened two more times before I was able to pull myself together enough to threaten him so he would stop coming back.

But the guilt kept me quiet. It was not until my 20's that I was even able to admit it happened to someone else. It was that time I met the first man that I have ever loved. He was a psychiatrist in a play that I was helping with on the Strand Street Theatre in Galveston. He was also gay. His gentle nature was able to draw out the story the rape, but at the same time, he was sure I was not gay so he pulled away and left me. And he was right. Sex as a gay man has never been appealing to me.

After my actor, there were no men I found that would even come close. I did find myself drawn to strong, adventurous women. And women definitely appeal to me sexually. I guess somewhere in my thirties I developed a fantasy that maybe I would have been okay with Tom if only he had given me time to grow into it and had taken me gently. Yes, it was a fantasy because I could never have liked Tom, but I so wish I could have been sexually awakened some other way.

A few months ago, I tried putting myself out on a dating site that would allow me to meet men with me being a trans-woman. I found that though I could flirt, I could not get past the rape when they started talking about a sexual relationship.

So it has been 8 months into hormone therapy when I met my boyfriend. Suddenly, the past did not matter anymore. I really do not understand the process other than I think I was just finally ready. I'm sure it helped that I first found him attractive from his writings. Then as I got to know him, well, it was like a floodgate opened.

One of the most frustrating changes was that I had managed to keep the desire for GRS under control. Now, I feel it is totally necessary because I want to be with him properly as a woman. As I said, my therapist just chuckles and says I have come a long way and that I will be back to work soon.

So in general, there was one man who got under my shields, but mostly I am afraid of them. My boyfriend seems to have found a way around that fear.