Small baby steps, this is how I'm doing it.

I took tonight off, between therapy and the local TG chapter meeting I knew I would not get any sleep. That's OK, I was told I had to be at work this weekend. Since I need the cash I won't complain. :)

So I got home from work, and went fem for the first time in several months. Wearing womans clothes don't count if you are still presenting as male IMO. I spent the whole day like this, going out to a restaurant (a first) for my boy, who is recovering from bronchus. It was Wendy's, go figure.

For the first time I was called Mam. It was neat. I think I was sired by another customer, but I was in cloud 9, and I'm not sure I heard him correctly. It is easy to be paranoid when doing this.

So I got up early, and am doing the computer thing ever before I get dressed (TMI?). Some things will not change. I'm debating whether to do it again, I just might. I don't dress up, just simple fem, simple makeup (yay!). Later today I'll get into my walking clothes, since I'm now doing 5 mile walks at work (and want to continue at home). Gotta loose those pounds you know. I'm afraid flats don't cut it for walking, and the walking shoes, while woman's, are basically gender neutral.

I came out to my old martial arts teacher. He claims to have no problems with me, we'll see. We are old friends (20 years), and I have studied for 14 years under him. He is a bit homophobic, but some of that is related to AIDs I think, people do bleed occasionally in class. We do not do tournaments, but true self defense. With a tournament a fight can be over with one punch, fighting for your life we have to be able to take blows and keep on functioning. I will have to change my style radically (not a problem, we individualize our styles with this system). At 270 pounds I could take a punch and soak it up, which will not be true if I make 150 and have breasts. I will have to learn to move in a way I couldn't before, inertia being a rule in martial arts as well as physics.

I started to obsess about my weight, but I had made the decision early in this process (6 months ago) that I would relax it now and then. It was a good decision, I do not want to burn out, this is going to be a life long project I am afraid. I have also found that weight gained from the occasional day or two off is easily re-lost, so (as I reminded myself) it is no big deal. It is just that I am so anxious. For a transgender lady I think I am being very patient. People are allowed to contradict themselves, we are not machines. It is a mistake to try to be too rigid on personal rules, especially if they are uncomfortable.

A quick side note, a common theme I keep seeing up close with my friends is the various levels of self hate and loathing, it take time to adjust to the fact we are different. I wonder how much of this is cultural? Laura's Playground says there is a 31% suicide rate among the transgendered people, I have no trouble believing this number. It has taken 8 months of therapy, and I am still working on it, but I have gotten over most of my personal issues. Still, for me it was a near thing. I am still very much a work in progress.

I may post some of the things I feel transgendered people see to be most hung up on in a future blog. Most of it is not true, but emotions have a logic all their own. It might help some other person make it through coming out to themselves.

I find my poor abused gonads have almost shrunk to nothing, and have decided to hide from the world in shame. Poor puppies, their home just doesn't feel like home anymore. :D At least I don't have to wear a gaff. I am currently mostly neuter, and it is OK. I have never hated my old gender per sea, but it didn't fit me.

I am probably one of the most outgoing transgendered people I know. I am not shy, though working up my courage to shop as a woman while presenting as a man did take some doing. I think I may end up as an activist for the TG cause, most of us disappear into the wood work when we have made our goal. We have been "cured". It is a very personal decision, I fault no one for choosing a quite life. I don't like to party or drink. I just don't seem to have a problem outing myself, though I still find it awkward going through woman's shoes and clothes. I'll get over it.

Now if the HRT would hurry up and do its thing, I'm really looking forward to growing a pair. The stockings filled with rice aren't cutting it, and they are very uncomfortable on the new girls, which are about quarter sized under the skin (and growing). I have to watch my change, so I'll pass on the breast forms. I'm shrinking through woman's sizes just like I did mens. Thrift shops are my friend. Even my feet have shrunk. All my friends who are much further along than I claim they lost an inch or so in height, and they have gone down a shoe size over time. I am seeing this happen with me, it bothers me not at all.