Can Dreams Come True?...Part 11

*Before…

Dammit woman…just do it! I’m yelling mentally at myself and it’s still scary hard but almost like I can’t help it and I end up nodding yes.
Ryan smiles but y’know there’s something else there too, it’s in his eyes that he kind of gets it.
And that’s nice…it helps a lot as he comes around and gets my door and we head to the movie place and we start checking out what’s playing and where to go and there’s a lot of stuff playing and just for fun he takes me to go see “Muppets Most Wanted.”
Out and just for fun with a big thing of popcorn to share and a medium root beer and doing this.
Fun’s been a long time from now.
And when they’re opening almost right away with a musical I’m already smiling.
I missed fun.

*And Now…

I honestly have never really been on that many dates and ones that weren’t strange and awkward well like never.

Until now with Ryan.

And it’s kind of strange and it’s kind of wonderful too.

There’s this really big sense of finally with this.

It’s a bad-good movie with all of the typical cheese you’d expect from The Muppets and I laughed right near the first with that whole “bad-guy, it’s French.” Line and it was just still pretty great from there.

Touching hands was great.

Sharing smiles was great.

And when the popcorn was done Ryan slipping his fingers into my hand and us holding hands.

Oh that was really just the best part of the night.

And I know that this is going to sound like really and completely self-absorbed and kind of shitty but there was this whole thing with this being in public.

Then there’s people seeing me with someone and it’s this whole thing of see! See look at me! I’m not alone, I’m with someone and we’re on a date. I kind of want to rub the world’s nose in my date even if it’s like just a little.

And I think that Ryan’s having a good time too.

He’s smiling and we leave and head out into the parking lot and he looks at me. “You want to go for a drive?”

I nod. “Love to actually, I mean there’s not a lot to see here but I’d really like that since I never do it.”

He opens my car door for me and I smile and get in and that’s actually sort of nice even though there’s still the stuff he told me and my mind if still playing with the hows and why’s and all of the sex stuff.

Which I sort of don’t want in my head since it’s kind of rude in a whole lot of ways and it’s kind of messing with the date.

Because a date doesn’t mean sex it means a date.

And it’s been a long time since I’ve just dated.

Like lyrics from “Rocket man.” Long.

Okay…

Okay I might gripe about my town a whole lot and Michigan sometimes too as being a mix of broken, impoverished and over populated but there are times when it’s nice.

And it’s actually nice at nigh especially with Ryan driving and with they’re not from here eyes they’re showing me all of the cool things that are still around.

I work and go home and hide and sleep when I can sleep I don’t notice cool things like just how much neon signs there are here and how some of these signs are just really cool too.

I’ve never in my life driven around looking at them or trying to go and get close to them and take pictures of myself with them but we’re doing that and it’s kind of cool.

Scary and exciting and me.

Me out in the world.

He even tried to get me to go with him into this Hotel that had the Hotel neon in letters up on the roof.

I couldn’t go that far with all of this and stuff. “No…sorry I’m not doing that.” I stood there looking at everything between us and it. We had asked inside the Hotel and the guy at the desk looked at us and he had this look.

That was so just…

We headed outside and Ryan had this look on his face when he sipped on his cherry coke that was all this whole guy look of I’m going to do it.

I was too scared but I took pictures of him doing it….climbing the fence for the alley then up the fire escape and then up to the roof where he peeled off his shirt and it was just him in his sports bras but still him and not a her as he did this sort of crazy kind of slip through the letters to stand in front of them and he yelled.

“I AM IMMORTAL, I HAVE INSIDE ME THE BLOOD OF KINGS!”

“YEAH!!!”

And that’s when the guy from the front desk that was all snobby and stuff came out and he was yelling up at him and I run and hop into Ryan’s car.

The guy’s yelling. “I’m going to call the police!”

Ryan does some crazy slides down those ladders on the fire escape parts and he’s up and over the fence in a flash as he did that run and get partway up and he used his shirt to grab to top of the fence and he threw himself over it.

It was crazy and it was cool as hell and it was actually pretty hot.

Even if he kind of almost fell down the other side and the clerk is trying to catch him and Ryan’s running and dodging past him.

“You little shitbird!”

And Ryan’s like. “You don’t have to be so snooty!’

The guys’s like. “Snooty?”

And Ryan’s like. “Snotty.”

He jumps into the car as I pull up and get him and he yells out at the stuff clerk guy. “And it’s not shitbird it’s Abe Froman, the sausage king of Chicago!”

I’m gunning it and I chirp the tires as we pull out of there as fast as we can and I’m trying to get us out of there before the cops show up or something and it’s been never that I got to drive a car with this much power and it’s fun and my pulse is hugging in my veins and this was just crazy, just absolutely crazy right?

We drive for a while before I stop the car by this old broken down and empty building lot and I’m panting and Ryan’s panting and I look at him and he seems so happy.

“That was crazy.”

He’s just smiling at me as he says. “What you’ve never done this kind of thing before?”

“No, never I was the good girl and the introvert even before I started to transition. I’ve never done anything like this.”

“So how’s it feel?”

“Thrilling and scary.”

Ryan actually slips over the seats and he’s there all of a sudden and then he’s kissing me.

He doesn’t kiss like a girl.

And it’s amazing too.

I’m getting kissed and it’s over and over kissing and I can feel my heart start pounding faster and faster again and then his hands are on my breasts and I’m aching from the need to be touched.

I don’t get to be touched and I’m scared to be touched because I don’t know who I am yet and there’s so many horror stories about trans encounters and then there’s that voice inside of me that is always telling me no…no Josie you’re not good enough and I can feel it trying even now to tell me that I’m going to screw this up somehow.

My breasts are on fire and my clothes are too hot and they’re too tight and I feel Ryan pulling things off so he can get closer to my skin and I…I…

“Ryan no, no I can’t do this not here not where people might come and see…please.”

He nods as he’s kissing me and his eyes dance some.

I’m getting swallowed by my saying no guilt and that feeling of me screwing this up is becoming so concrete with me right now.

Then he says. “Well we could always go back to that Hotel and get a room.”

And right in the middle of this downward spiral he makes me laugh.

And it hurts my chest inside in this whole strange way to laugh when I’m spiraling because I’ve never had that and tears spill out.

I’m laughing though with the tears and life doesn’t seem like it’s so horrible and this doesn’t seem so bad with me saying no either.

I look at him. “Can we go home?”

He smiles sweetly at me. “Sure, do you know how to get us there?”

I nod and he sits back in the passenger seat and puts on his seatbelt and I start the car up and I drive us home.

It’s a quiet drive and I keep shooting him looks and he’s still pretty Ryan ad like cool and happy about all of this and stuff.

And he’s just typically guy quiet but I’m quiet not because I want to be I just don’t know what to say even if there’s a whole ton of mental rambling going on in my brain.

We get home and I park the big beast of a car and he gets out first and he gets my door and I pass him the keys so he can lock it up and then he takes my hand an he walks me to our step and he looks at me.

“Your place or mine?”

Oh…well my brain was not expecting that.

And I look at him and his hair’s a mess sort of and he’s still there in his sports bra and shirt in hand and I think that I want this, I want to know more and to be with him…I have no idea about the sex and stuff but at the same time I’m not even sure if I’m ready for it.

I swallow. “Your place.”

He smiles and he takes out the keys and he lets me in and it’s familiar so much but it’s not too. The whole situation is sort of casting the place in this whole new light.

Then he’s taking me by the hand and he’s leading me upstairs and it feels so different and like such a good thing and such a scary thing too and it’s so strange in the way that his place is actually like mine and yet it’s so not either.

There’s a lot of the old guys stuff still here and most of that is furniture and it’s that old stuff nice and sort of classic stuff. There’s lots of memorabilia around here too and things that look actually interesting including a whole lot of books and pictures and then there’s a lot of Ryan’s touches here with posters from movies and there’s art here too…like the second bedroom is art and there are paintings and there’s a bench and paints and the painting frame thingy and stretched canvas’s there too and that’s something that I didn’t know about him.

I see people and places from around here and some buildings and there’s one that’s me.

That makes me want to cry because it’s just me in my panties and my one of my baggy tee-shirts and my hair looks a mess but good the way that he did it and I’m at my window in my kitchen and I’m drinking a cup of coffee and that’s it it’s not really like erotic or like too suggestive and at the same time I look happy and peaceful in a way I’m not sure that I’ve ever really felt before and I just sort of stopped and stare at it.

“You painted me.”

He says. “Yeah actually a few times.”

I look at him. “A few times?”

He comes in and he moves a few of the paintings around and then sets them so they’re on the front of the sideways piles that he has leaning on the walls. One’s me in the back yard and I’m dirty and grass stained from doing some of the yard work and I’m in a hat with a sundress and I don’t really own neither one but I kind of want one now. I love that I’m holding dandelions like a bouquet.

Another is me getting groceries out of my car and I’m in my work stuff and I’m…I’m blushing because he made my ass look a whole lot better than it really is.

And then there’s the last one and that me from when I was asleep on his couch in a blanket and semi covered and yeah I’m still wearing clothes and everything but the way that he did my face and my hair it’s so pretty and I’m not sure that I’ve ever really felt that pretty or peaceful.

I turn and I look at Ryan and I step up and I kiss him.

He’s surprised but he returns the kiss and I kiss him over and over and I start to lead him into his other bedroom and I’m still kissing him but I start to take off my clothes as we’re going and I’m just letting them drop and I’m so scared and hot and getting those little thrill bumps and I’m in my bra and panties when we get into his room and I take the bra off and then step out of my panties and let it all just be what it is.

My a thirty plus trans woman that’s pre-op and not in the best of shape in some ways and too bulky in some others and he’s looking at me in just his black boxer briefs now and he took his sports bra on and it’s just…I sort of get it too…I can see them there under the female parts in the body language and the way Ryan stands there so matter of fact like these are my breasts and I have them…while I’m feeling so shy and wanting to sort of cover up like a girl.

Because I am a girl and he’s.

I’m still not sure but he’s actually maybe magical?

I step to him and he steps to me and we’re kissing and we’re touching and then we’re touch other spots and there’s similar physical reactions with the way the nipples swell and get hard and that seems to make me want to melt and it makes Ryan just grin and kiss me all the more.

He touches my breasts and then he’s feeling them and cupping and releasing with gentle but real squeezes and then running his palms over my nipples and dragging them like that so soft but so maddening and I can feel myself getting hard and I bite my lip and cry.

It doesn’t happen much and I’m kind of scared of it and what it means since I really doubt that it means that I’ll ever afford bottom surgery or something like that.

“Sorry…it’s just…”

He strokes it. “It’s perfect I like it Josie its part of you.”

“I… I thought that it’s maybe seem wrong to you or gay…”

“You’re a beautiful woman Josie with a penis and I’m a guy that’s very into you with a vagina. Maybe we just let things be what they’re going to be and we can just be together and just be us and not label anything but being happy.”

(Sniffle.) “Ryan my brain’s not wired that way…I don’t know how to do that.”

He kisses me and he walks me back to his bed and down onto it and we crawl until we’re all the way on and we kiss and he suckles my breasts and he gets more intense and he peels out of his bottoms to reveal a bit of darkish bush and in a world of shaved vagina’s his seems a bit more…bearded?

I want to start laughing a little and he nuzzles me and he kisses my and his hand encircled me down there and he guides me in and he says. “Easy…I’ll be gentle.”

And he is…that’s the strange and wonderful part.

I’m still so not sure about this even as Ryan’s sinking onto me but it’s just how he’s doing it.

Gentle, soft…a little back and forth like easing me in instead of a guy with a penis easing in and it’s like I’m a girl…like I’m still a woman despite all of the other stuff.

Ryan’s treating my dysphoric feelings and that edge like it’s my virginity.

And I’m crying because of the care and then I’m crying as he makes love to me.

And I’m crying because with him I’m finding myself and post op would be great but I can really and totally be me like this and feel right like this even as we’re making love and me being pre-op.

I’m alright.

I’m not broken and I’m not dreaming.

We do it twice because my first time doesn’t last long and the second time it takes a long time to get hard enough to do it but we spend so much time doing so much foreplay and making love in other ways and once I’m semi-hard he slips me in carefully and he massages me with kagel until I’m hard there again.

That time was longer and it was amazing and there was even a time when he pulled me up into his arms and held me and kissed me and pressed to me in that way that you see in the movies…only he’s straddling me and he does these hot and amazing little hip and pelvic thrusts back and forth over me really fast and all grrr like in intensity and I get to that point of sensation where what I have as a part kind of stops to be even in my brain and he gasps and I feel warms flooding around me and then getting gripped so hard by Ryan’s insides over and over and it’s so strange that there’s so much Ryan in that even that it’s him and there’s something that’s so…guy about it.

I’m hanging onto him after he gets off and I got off and I’m panting and I’m shaking and I’m crying too.

We slip back down to the bed and he adjusts his sheets so we’re mostly covered and we slowly kiss in our afterglows and touch each other and slowly but surely settle into sleep.

“Ryan….”

“Mmmm…Hold me close, I…I might freak out at some point okay but just don’t let me go?”

“I’m not going anywhere Josie, I’m not going anywhere.”