Chronic Depression

The Temporary Dormancy of Hell (for me, anyway),

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Hell is over with another year, finally. In the last six weeks was the birthday of my late partner. This was followed a few weeks later by the anniversary of her death. This year it was compounded by the lack of antidepressents due to the lack of money to pay for them. I've really not been a nice person to be around.

Happy Fuckin' Thanksgiving and Merry Fuckin' Christmas.

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Can Dreams Come True?...Part 11

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Dammit woman…just do it! I’m yelling mentally at myself and it’s still scary hard but almost like I can’t help it and I end up nodding yes.
Ryan smiles but y’know there’s something else there too, it’s in his eyes that he kind of gets it.
And that’s nice…it helps a lot as he comes around and gets my door and we head to the movie place and we start checking out what’s playing and where to go and there’s a lot of stuff playing and just for fun he takes me to go see “Muppets Most Wanted.”

Out and just for fun with a big thing of popcorn to share and a medium root beer and doing this.
Fun’s been a long time from now.
And when they’re opening almost right away with a musical I’m already smiling.
I missed fun.

Can Dreams Come True?...Part 9

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Can Dreams Come True?…Part 8

*Before…

“Are you going to do something stupid like hurt yourself?”
I turn to look at him and he lets me and I look in his eyes and he’s looking in mine and there’s this whole thing of he knows, he knows that I was in that place where there was a chance that I just might. I mean I’m a real coward when it comes to that stuff but still…it was there and he knew it and he stopped it.
He stopped me.
I nod and put my head on his chest right there on his solar plexus.
“Okay…let’s get out of here and warmed up.”
“Okay….and Ryan…”
“Yeah Josie?”
“I’m sorry.”
“I knew you were even as you were saying it…we’re good.”
He gets us out of the shower and I look at him and he’s looking at me and he’s shivering and he looks as close to being like seriously chilled as I’ve seen someone that wasn’t hypothermic.
I…I want…oh gods my want’s started this whole stupid thing!
And that’s when he tucks my soaked hair out of my face with his hands and cups my cheeks and he kisses me!

*And Now…

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