Can Dreams Come True?... Part 4

Ryan is a complete geek and he’s likely seen these movies over and over and he’s still as excited as I am. I’m not ashamed to admit it that as soon as I saw the shire and Bag-End and Frodo and Bilbo they had me.

I read these as a kid and I played D&D a little as a teen and I’d seen the old cartoon version of both the Hobbit and Fellowship.

I enjoyed these so much more than I ever thought I’d actually enjoy a movie in a long, long time.

He looked online for pizza and ordered from Rose’s. I’ve never eaten there but it’s kind of one of the price artsy places. Part of me wasn’t cool with his ordering from there but he was reading the reviews and this place had wood fired pizzas.

It’s kinda weird that he’s from god knows where Canada and he knows more about stuff on a pizza than I do. Double mushroom, hamburger, pancetta instead of bacon, red onions and pepperanchinos? And kalamata olives? It sounded like he was ordering half the topping from the salad bar and that he got in a twelve and he order two nines with a cheese pizza since apparently that’s a must have and another with sausage and double pepperoni.

I don’t much care for pepperoni in any way except on pizza and he asked for the pepperoni to be tossed ontop of the cheese once the sausage was cooked.

We didn’t even bother with the thought of dessert and he had soda there for us to drink and the pizza was really good…fanciest I’ve ever had. Not the best, the best I ever had was a white pizza I made once.

God that was a long time ago…I was in classes then.

Even then I cheated and I bought a jar of the Alfredo sauce I used on it.

This was good, this was amazing really and I’m a little embarrassed at how much we eat. Okay the two nines are gone really quickly and the cheese pizza went first and it was really good.

Ryan was nodding as he was inhaling his second slice; they cut the nines into four pieces.

“Good?” I asked.

“Oh yeah very nummy.”

“Nummy?”

“I use whatever slang I’m comfortable with.”

“Okay…” I’m still sort of smiling though it might be a sugar high from the sauce and the bread. Oh it’s so nice to have not just real food again but good food.

“The best way to tell that a pizza place is any good is to try their cheese pizza. If they can’t make at least a decent cheese pizza then they’re not going to make anything else any better.”

“Huh…okay that actually makes sense.”

“I don’t make sense usually?”

I bit my lip. “Well I barely know you but you’ve got me baffled a whole lot.”

“Baffled?” He looked at me and tilted his head.

“You’re too nice…” Okay I said it and I was cringing on the inside at the thought that I just messed things up this fast and lost a friend…

“Oh that well I’m Canadian…sorry eh, I don’t think I can do anything aboot it.” He has this sort of accent…and I can’t place it but it’s this sort of Canadian thing…I think but he surprised me too because I’m laughing at him doing that.

………………………………..and the rest of the night was like that and I had so much a good time that I was kind of hoping it’s last longer than it did but once we finished the whole marathon he had to get ready for his gig and go to work.

Which brings me to being home now and actually not feeling too bad about things at the moment. I pigged out and watched movies all day and most of the night and I went home and did my laundry up and had some spare pizza from this to take to work tomorrow and set stuff out and actually went back and played some more Zelda until I hear his car pull back into the yard.

I didn’t really even think about it.

That I was staying up and sort of waiting for Ryan to come home and I pause my game and I get up and go to the window and…

And I just catch the sway of woman in a dress and long wavy and curly red hair going into his place.

Oh……

Well…..

I mean he’s a nice decent young guy.

And I’m a basketcase that should have realized that I kind of like him.

Of course too late and too dense and too scared of my life right.

Yeah of course right just.

Oh just fuck my life.

And yes as good as everything was today I ended up crying myself to sleep.

Even though we barely know each other.

Even if we are just friends….i mean we haven’t even gotten that far have we?

I just wanted someone…something for myself.

I’m being a damned idiot but I cry a lot harder than I should have.

……………………..Morning comes too early with too little sleep and too many tears leaving me with that feeling it sandpapery eyes and a sandpapery heart too.

Rubbed raw inside and I get up and stumble-function through my bathroom routine and take my hormones and my meds and a screaming hot shower and brush my teeth and head into work.

I almost didn’t take my meds.

I was so in that place where feeling like shit was still happening to me because it’s well my life and my life gives me a little glimmer of something nice before slapping me in the face and kicking me down the hole again.

You know what I feel like?

“It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again.”

That.

That’s my effing hole.

I pull into the gas station and get ten bucks to be put on the pump I’m using and the little asshole gives me this look like that all? This is why they have the glass there not because of all the hold ups it’s because they hire these nasty snarky little shits that make you just want to slap the shit out of them.

Or it could be that he’s safe behind the glass and therefore most people can’t touch him so he’s being a little asshole.

I’d make a comment about how this isn’t a Kevin Smith movie but he’s way too young to have any idea who I’d be talking about or know what “Clerks” is.

I get my gas and I head to work.

I really, really want to smoke right now.

……………………………….Work really, really sucked it was just one of those days that I was upset and angry enough that every little screw up had me scowling and most of them I was making and I didn’t bring the leftover pizza or lunch and I didn’t really have money for lunch so I sat in the break room sipping instant coffee I made with the microwave and just being angry.

And hurt.

It went by far too long too; it was one of those shifts where everything just drags on and on. I get home and I sped a good bit of the way while I was at it…well I get home and I see some stuff planted by the fence and there’s a garbage box there at the end of the driveway instead of the shitty old garbage cans and it looks like Ryan had done some more stuff to clean up while I was at work.

His car isn’t there and I go inside my place and kick off my shoes and see the damned light flashing on my machine again.

“Hey Josie you’ve got mail…great bring it on I can’t wait to see how this tops everything off.”

The first couple of calls are just garbage people selling life insurance and stuff and a few of my creditors since the student loan people are worse that most sex stalkers and just as persistent.

Then…

“Joseph it’s your mother we really need to talk honey you need to talk to people, someone okay you need help. I know things have been hard and that you’re not in school anymore which I don’t get because you were such a good student…call me honey please you…we’ll get you help…just…you don’t need to…to mutilate yourself.”

Mutilate…oh fucking nice mom I wonder what fucked up LGBT website you found that on.

I supposed the called the school…found out that I flunked out.

Then there’s….

“Joey…Josie…Jesus man what the hell…coffee!? Hot fucking coffee? Okay I don’t get it and the girlfriend’s right no matter whatever crazy shit’s in your head and you doing this…which I don’t think is right or sane…well I guess u shouldn’t have grabbed your boobs. Okay…I’m sorry are you happy? Call Mom she’s worried hell we all are. We’re good okay? We’re even no bad feelings. Call us.”

I’m yelling at the machine.

“Good!?...we’re good how the hell do you think we’re good? I’m wrong? This is wrong!? How fucking dare you…you fucking asshole…You…Aargh!”

I pace and pace throw my couch cushions and pace back and scream at the answering machine. “Fuck you! Fuck all of you! You have no, no fucking idea what it’s like!”

I hit the delete button and pace and talk to myself and rant…not really anything worth repeating just a lot about me mutilating myself and getting sexually assaulted and gee that yeah maybe that could be something that you shouldn’t do to people.

And that nothing from Dad of course not even a mention and nothing from my sister who honestly is likely making this all about her because she was spawned from the dimension of self fucking absorbia.

I’m well into a tirade when I get dizzy and that’s when I get the headache or realize I have a head ache and that’s when things get all grey and stuff and I hit the floor really hard.

Oh no not enough to knock my silly ass out no but enough that it hurt and I’m crying and laughing because literally life just knocked my butt down again.

I’m hugging myself when there’s a knock on my door.

“Josie? I heard a crash are you okay?”

Ryan.

“Leave me alone okay…just…I’m fucking fine!” (Sniffle-sob.)

“You don’t sound fine.”

“Mind your own damned business.”

“Open the door.”

“No!”

“Please.”

“…………..”

“Please.”

I… I don’t want to…I don’t want to know him or trust him because…because he’s seeing someone else?

But what if they’re just friends?

I don’t even know…I don’t even have the right to know.

I try to get up and I feel like rubber…oh so not good.

“I…I can’t.”

CRACK!!!

Ryan breaks down my door…well busts in with his shoulder.

So much for me feeling secure now.

Then I see this really genuine worried look on his face and I can’t help it I start to bawl.

It get’s full on psycho-ugly cry when he kneels down and wraps his arms around me.

“God I’m so fucked up…”