Can Dreams Come True?... Part 3

It was really an unexpected night for me. Ryan is friendly and kind and he likes Dr. Who. I’m not saying that’s a huge thing for me but really I don’t go to Con’s or stuff like that so people that kind of know about stuff like that are extremely rare to me outside of the internet.

Just leftovers and some more than healthy snacks and a friend that has no problem geeking out over things was really nice.

More than nice actually since it felt for the first time in awhile I was in a place where I could actually breathe. And it’s sort of strange too that I’m spending time with a guy that knows the deal with me and he’s good with it and he’s not some perv or tranny chaser.

You would not believe the things that some people are into when they’re “Good” with you being transgendered.

It’s been so sort of off putting sometimes that it’s been just another reason of why I’m a semi-hermit.

But as relaxed and as fun as things are it has me thinking….stupid brain it just never really stops thinking. Right past the end of the shows and Ryan makes us a night cap and I was thinking booze when he mentioned it but it pleasantly turned out to be Ovaltine…And he bought it apparently it wasn’t in the old guys groceries either.

Anyway he walked me to my doors as we were drinking our drinks and I had the whole issue of my sexuality dancing in my head after watching him take the dishes away during a commercial and Ryan had a nice butt?

I think.

?

Yeah…? Indeed.

I’ve been trying to fight my depression and trying to be me and transition that my sexuality has been way back on the back burner for me and then I noticed him sort of that way and all it had to do was get my way too messed up brain to ask one thing.

What if?

So once inside I shut my door and went to take a shower with that playing through my head. What if? And where I’m transitioning to become the woman that I’ve always felt that I was trapped here under all the bullshit and under all this…fake layers of Joseph…where do I sit?

Am I straight and like men?

That’s a really, really scary thought because I was kind of raised in a house where gay was not really okay. Oh they said that gay was okay but there’s a difference between gay being okay for someone else or your own family.

And being a woman it’s not gay to like guys.

But when you’re wresting with transition?

And raised in a sort of anti-gay house and in an anti gay school and neighborhood?

I’m almost scared to be able to feel that it’s alright to like guys…uhm…men.

But my brain just keeps spinning its wheels in the muck-sludge I have for grey matter as I try to look at before. I mean if I liked guys then shouldn’t I have felt something for some of the guys that I went to school with?

Or a girl I mean to me that’s alright too.

I was in there a bit extra long and I likely killed the hot water tank for both if our places really well but I honestly I can’t think of either that I ever even sort of had a crush on.

The closest I really get are bits?

Yeah bits.

That girls grace and the way she swayed or the way she dressed beyond wanting to look and be like them so bad it hurt. Or this guys eyes or that one had a nice smile but really I wasn’t into either.

Most of the guys I didn’t like because I knew what I was or what I thought I was and coming out in high school would have had me beat. Actually since I avoided the bulk or people and stuff most of them that I sort of did know were those popular kid assholes that I really didn’t want to give the time of day to.

And the same with the girls.

Like the guys the shy and likely decent girls were just as sort of not the ones that I really knew either. Wallflower types like me didn’t tend to congregate in groups and like the guys that everyone in school knew the girls were not nice people really.

I sort of detested them when I wasn’t jealous of them.

I was the rangy and mangy looking Emo kid that went through school in the paramilitary clothes a lot the one that read books in the library but still wasn’t part of anyone’s crowd because either they thought that I was crazy or weird.

Most went with crazy, because of the few fights I had been in back in high school. I was sort of the butt of getting picked on and jokes then, not all the time since I don’t know I gave off something that made people avoid me or something but going into high school meant going to another school and there were a few assholes that pushed me.

And with a full on dose of that fuck it I don’t care about anything depression starting and all the pent up stuff from being transgendered the total of three fights I had been in had cemented me as crazy.

All of that just…

Well it didn’t lend well to me personal development or in finding some kind of self identity.

It’s why my sexuality is a blank still sort of.

College being the pressure cooker it was had just been enough to drive me to my first breakdown and eventually getting diagnosed both for my depression and my transgendered issues.

Ah well by now it’s no secret that I’m screwed up.

I try a bath…a nice one for a change with those little scented candles and some bubbles and stuff and some of my meditation CD’s you know the rainfall sounds and stuff with decent instrumental stuff in the back ground you can get them really cheap at like dollar stores all over the place.

I sink into the tub and it sort of does the drifty semi float reminding me a little more of it being there. And that’s just…wrong. And well sort of wrong for me isn’t wrong for other people but to me it’s not painful wrong and hurt my soul wrong it’s like something wrong on this deep level that is almost like an OCD level of wrong.

Oh yes that can be bad too…add that constant wrong with a depressive bout and that’s when you get people cutting parts off and other insane stuff. I’d been there too more than likely if it wasn’t for the knowledge that I need it to repair myself to where my sex matches my gender.

That and I’m a big friggin chicken and I’m not a fan of stuff like that. I can get why people do it but I just couldn’t do that to myself. It’s why I can’t jump to end it or step out in front of something or cut myself.

The bath is nice especially when it’s a treating myself bath which is something I usually never get to do and I can feel stuff slowly unwinding in my body and despite my outtie doing the float I am cheered by the small sort of floaty just yeah, just right feeling that I’m getting from my girls.

They’re not big and they might never been after this long but they are a decent mid range B-cup a little perky even but that’s because I have tg-boobs where they’re much younger and way less worn out that the rest of me.

But there’s enough there that I’m enjoying the semi-buoyant sensations. And that makes up for things and it also sort of gives me the idea to close my eyes and just let things go and I reach down and lightly cup myself.

Hot water and suds and that slick and smooth slippery feeling that lends so well to breast play. I won’t get into the details but I’m still pretty sensitive and the feelings are just so amazing as I work myself slowly to the point of yummy pleasure and then into fantasy land.

I don’t go here that often to be really familiar with it but enough that I can find my way. I let my imagination play with my inner wants and my thoughts drift to the few porn movies that I watched before and the fact that I so wanted to be the woman in them when I did see them…so into guys right?

The thoughts are so very strong and they’re tempting…there is the idea on being wanted so badly like that way that men want women, desire them deeply. I could so get used to feeling like that. Being wanted sexually like that is really a very strong fantasy too.

But there’s also the lesbian thing too and my breast play takes me there too because there’s that slow detailed love making the way she’d know my body and how to make me purr and maybe she’d be more forgiving with me and transitioning…maybe she’d be bi and she’d like it?

I’m going back and forth with both encounters running through my head until I’m lost and swirling in the ideas of both and the sensations that I’m getting from my breasts just tips me over that edge and leaves me shocked and panting in a good way…and very glad I kept a separate face cloth handy for when…y’know.

I really don’t want that stuff in my bath water.

And it’s sort of time for me to get out of the tub anyways and head off to try and go to bed.

Getting dried off is a pain as always there’s really no way that you can’t deal with “The Dangler.” Sometimes it’s really bad having it there and other times it’s just…yick…and other times it’s just a shut it out of my head and just deal with it kind of thing.

Tonight after what just happened it’s just sort of there and sorta yick. I didn’t really use my hands in getting there which honestly bothers me a whole lot less than if I had used my hands to do it. I just, with my hands it just feels wrong….like that OCD thing in my brain my hands and fingers should be doing something else.

Actually getting there by fantasy and my girls is definitely is a good thing in my books and it’s more than enough for me to go to bed on a good note. And despite the dangler I fall asleep feeling nicely feminine because of that.

I guess I don’t really know my sexuality for certain though and I might actually be bisexual? At this point in my life though I am honestly thinking that I wouldn’t care so much about the sex or even the gender of an S.O.

It would just be honestly nice to have someone there that had my back and cared about me enough to be able to weather me and my issues.

It’s a sort of a nice thought to go to bed dreaming of.

…………………………..I wake up fairly late in the morning for me and I think I dreamed but I can’t remember the details but that’s a whole lot better than the times where I have the bad dreams and stuff.

The first thing that hits me besides the bathroom needs is the smell of fresh cut grass and I can sort of hear music playing outside?

I get up and rub at my eyes and my face and walk to my bedroom window to see Ryan outside with a rake having already mowed. He’s in a zip front hoody that says NBCC?...and army greens for pants and sandal and he’s listening to what I think is Bruce Springsteen.

I look over to my clock.

Sunday and it’s eight twenty something. “It’s way too early to be that productive.”

I head to the bathroom and I do the “need to’s” then get dressed in my Sunday clothes a pair of my comfy track pants and a tank top and I head downstairs to make myself a coffee and sort of walk to my back door where he’s at in the yard and he’s got it all spiffy and cleaned up and he’s even leaning over with a set of shears and he’s clipping away at all the stuff you can get with a mower even one of those oldie push ones.

Yep he has a nice butt.

And the back yard looks awesome, I mean it’s nothing fancy but the little prick of a super he just mowed, and not too often so there’s lots of tall weeds and up against the fence and Ryan has all of those nicely cleaned up and away now and it looks good.

I open the door and take my coffee and sit on the back steps and sip and watch him until he straightens up and sees me and he smiles.

That’s kinda nice.

“Good morning.” He says smiling and way too cheerful.

“Mmm…it’s morning.”

“Oh…first cup of coffee?”

“Yeah, sorry I’m not civil until I at least get this into me.”

He laughs. “Yeah sometimes me too.”

“Really? You seem all chipper and stuff…are you one of them…” I say semi accusingly.

“One of what?”

“Morning people.”

He grins at me which is sort of infectious enough to make me want to smile. “I am even if I don’t want to be. I’d love to sleep in but when it’s morning I usually sit there and think about all the stuff that I need to do and then once that’s in my head I might as well get up and get things started.”

“No rest for the weary?’

“Oh yeah I rest and stuff it’s just force of habit that I like to get everything done rather than just let it wait.”

“So the exact opposite of myself then.”

Ryan looks at me and raises and eyebrow. “Oh?’

“Home…as in here and not at work I’m kind of a procrastinator.”

He’s looking at me like he kind of knows it’s more than that…with me it’s that whole trying to function when you’re depressed that’s that hard part. But it’s not a look of pity or the oh you’re lazy thing it’s just a look.

I so don’t know how to read him.

I look things over and he’s got the tools out too. “So, what are you going to do next?’

“I was thinking of putting up the clothesline and then laundry.”

“Uhm…want any help?”

“Sure.”

“You want a coffee while I’m having mine?’

“Sure.” He’s smiling again.

“You want to come in?”

“Okay.”

It’s, it’s not that I just don’t know how to read him it’s that he’s so easy going and stuff.

Adaptable in a way that I’m kind of sure might not apply to me. I hold the door open for him to come in and he takes his sandals off and walks inside in his bare feet. Oddly it tweaks this agreeable part of my brain.

I put the water on for coffee and I debate making something to eat or not. I’m not a breakfast person, never was not even in high school. It took me morning break to feel like I could eat usually. Even now being older it’s me kind of a thing for me just coffee or water until like at least around ten in the morning or so.

But…

I look at him and he is pretty cute or/and possibly I’m projecting this because he’s nice to me and stuff but he’s good looking too. He’s sort of pretty in that actually…blonde and baby faced yet sort of intense he reminds me a little of Link from Zelda.

I’m kind of a gamer girl and…

“I like Link.”…………..

………………………… oh did I just say that out loud?

Shit, shit, shit…I start turning red.

“Link like in Zelda…Link?”

I nod getting redder. “You uhm…you uhm sorta look like him.”

“I do? Okay that’s kind of cool no one’s ever said anything like that to me before…that’s kind of awesome actually.”

I reach over to him as the kettle is whistling and I pull his hood up for his hoody. “Yeah…that’s very cool….” I blush a little and go get the kettle and grab the instant coffee. “You want some breakfast?’

“Okay I can hobbit it.”

“Hobbit it?”

“Y’know second breakfast.”

“No…?” Honestly, I don’t have a clue as to what he’s talking about.

He has this stunned and amazed look on his face then he’s pulling some accent that sounds lightly Irish or something.

“Breakfast, Second Breakfast, Ellevensees? Afternoon tea?”

I shake my head.

“You’ve never seen the Lord of the Rings movies?!”

I duck my head blushing a little. “I’ve been meaning to.”

“Okay…second breakfast then we get the clothesline up and while the washing is getting done we watch them all on my blue ray.”

“Uhm okay…” I didn’t have plans besides just screwing around and playing videogames and stuff anyway or reading. I haven’t had that many meals here since meeting Ryan so there’s like five minutes of dishes but then there’s my laundry.

I sort of look at him. “Could I use your machines too then?”

“Sure, a movie and laundry party then I’ll even order pizza if you like.”

My stomach wakes up at the thought of pizza since it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to afford it. I look at him and he actually seems excited at the thought of hanging out with me and watching movies together and doing laundry.

With me.

And you know? This is the best offer that I’ve had in a long, long time…maybe ever.