I don’t know why, but sometimes I feel dishonest somehow for posting stories on this site. It’s hard to explain, but here it goes. I’m not transitioning, nor do I have any plans to transition from male to female in the near future, but sometimes I feel that the desire to transition is some kind of unwritten prerequisite for posting on a site that’s a friendly place to read and write TG fiction.

I started writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I had a tough session in group therapy today. One of the women talked about having been given electroshock treatment, and she started crying talking about how it made her lose memory.

Alright like the title says, I've been a bad girl. Before the end of the year, some of you might remember me posting about my walking. I was doing four miles a day and was getting close to a fifteen minute mile. I know, I know some of you more healthy people can run four miles in twenty minutes. But for me this is huge, I had it a stretch goal to be running by March I think.

I started on a new diet today, or at least a new plan for how I will eat.

My daughter has finally had an MRI scan. The good news - she doesn't have MS. The bad news - she has a tumour on the top of her spine which is causing the symptoms of muscle weakness, loss of coordination, tremor etc. She's on the urgent list for surgery at the University of Wales Hospital, Cardiff.

We have heavy snow forecast for tonight & tomorrow, so it looks as if I won't be able to get to see her this weekend.

Life's a bitch...

I used to keep a secret, and yesterday I kept a secret.

They were sort of the same secret - That I'm transgender, but how I feel about it is totally different.

Soooo, I'm sitting here in front of my computer, reading some things, and I read about the struggles of some of the girls here.

I know I'm not the first to think about this, but it's new to me.

Well, I'm going to confess something, and every non-trans woman and transitioned trans woman will have the right to laugh at me for it.

I'm struggling with the hormones.

So the post Christmas/New Year period is over and we all return to normal - um, not quite. My cough remains and my energy levels are still well down on my usual, possibly not helped by working silly hours.

Last week my van broke while I was delivering Sunday's paper. Not a good thing to happen, but what followed was even worse (See JennC I used the right one). Someone from another center came to help me and he added to my frustration by driving extremely slow and talking negative the whole time.

Well, Kylie's friend Jade got a hold of me to yell at me for failing Kylie. Can't say much. She's right. I could have done more. But she's also wrong. In the end, only Kylie could have made the choice to not give up. Nothing we said or did would have made as much of a difference as her having the will to live. Of course knowing that doesnt make me feel any less guilty....

Well, its possible that something good has come out of what I've been posting about my friend Kylie. A friend got a hold of me, and confessed to having struggled with suicidal thoughts over last weekend, and we talked for a long time, and I told her to go to the hospital even if the feeling had passed. She said she would, and thanked me for being there.

Does that balance the scales of my failure with Kylie? No. But if she follows through, I'll feel a little better about it.

Went to my 2nd all day group session at the Grey Nuns Hospital today, and it was really good. One of the more interesting things was an exercise in grounding where we each took a piece fabric and focused on it, looking at the color, any patterns, how it felt to touch it, even what it smelled like.

It was a very interesting exercise, and I might use it in the future when I'm having a flashback....

I do apologize for doing this. I know that a few months ago I changed my nickname from Little Katie to K.T. Leone. I didn't know that my life was going to spiral into control (see what I did there?) and that I would actually transition and be so immersed into being me so quickly. I have decided, that since I am so fully committed to being the real me that it is time to drop the damn initials. At first, K.T. was a clever way to make people say Katie anyway but gave me an out. If I introduced to myself to someone as Katie and they gave me a sideways look I could counter with ...

As if dealing with my friend Kylie's apparent decision to kill herself wasnt enough stress, things are piling up around here.

I know I have been on this kick for quite some time (for me 11 days is an eternity), but I can't stress how much it has affected me that I've come out. I am relaxed, I am at ease, I am comfortable. I am me, and I am happy. I haven't been happy for a long time, so most of you might not know I have the emotion, but I do.

Wow, I am writing again and it is so much fun! Wow! It has been nearly a year. My last story was "Battleground to Crib", yes I know the title sucks.

So it's been a while since I've written a blog. Thought I'd catch you guys up on what's happening in my life if you still remember me. My life is slowly getting better. Still working on my story, haven't actually got the chapters typed out, been more working on the time line and has gotten so big and detailed that I need to take my time with it to get it right. Got myself a job at Home Depot as a lot associate so if you see someone pushing carts around or loading vehicals, might be me. Not sure I enjoy it but this job is paying for my next bit of news.

At least one of these ordinary tips will make your life easier...

http://shialabeowulf.tumblr.com/post/33670447154/99-life-hac...

Ok folks it is predicted to snow in San Antonio. Its teased us before with little bits that melt as soon as they hit and other times its all ice. The last snow we really got was 1985. That was a fun time the city was paralyzed for days schools were closed. Anyone who had a 4x4 made a killing in cash pulling cars out. I will believe it when I see it. And of course I work all day tomorrow so I will probably be the only one dumb enough to drive in. Oh yeah I said this would happen in my Christmas story, well its a few days late but I'll take it. Bundled up smiles, Jenn.

I have spent most of the evening trying to buy something on line and I still haven't succeeded, it seems my card numbers don't upload to the site. I've tried two different computers and two cards and I am now so angry that I shall dream about how I am going to sere the eyeballs of their customer service department tomorrow morning before telling them I no longer want it unless they offer a bigger discount.

As I can't settle to write - likely to do something irrevocable to a character - I'm going to have an early night.

Familiar Regrets...