It seems like the more comfortable with myself as a girl I become, the harder it is to have male bits. Last night my parts moved a bit, and I had to fight back tears, and I also had to fight off the urge to take my box-cutter knife to them ....

Ah, well.

I'm feeling very paranoid today because of something my mother said this morning. I was about to tell her something amazing that I had found out last night. I said, ''You'll never guess what I found out last night!'' and she replied, ''That you are really a boy?'' with a slight smile. That got me worried. It's probably nothing but it's just the way she said it that made me paranoid. It was as if she knew something. Bleagh. I hope she doesn't.

I am a Christian.

Before anything else, that is how I identify myself and that is the core of my being.

Well, you guys can thank Jaci (AKA Tels) that I'm still here. I woke this morning feeling completely numb. Nothing mattered, nothing had any meaning of any kind. As I went through my morning routine like a zombie, I came to the conclusion I had to quit being Dorothy, since I had lost my family and my daughter didnt want to be seen in public with me. I dont know how long this would have lasted before I would have done something drastic, but fortunately, Jaci was online, and agreed to phone me.

Well, last night, we had Easter dinner with the family, and my sister-in-law said some interesting things. First, she basically put aside the work I've been doing trying to recover the memories of my rape and its association to my gender issues, saying such memories have been added to and subtracted from over the years to the point they are not reliable.

Well, with all the confusion I had at my house yesterday, I forgot to mention it was Tels' birthday, So Happy birthday, sis!

I'm supposed to be working on a paper for school about the evolution of RISC, pipelining, cache and virtual memory for my Computer Architecture course. Instead, I'm semi-crossposting the following from my main blog because I realize it's been a while since I wrote here, and the paper is boring; I'm a software girl, hardware gets in the way :P. Here's the post, and I'll go back to pretending to write this paper now. :)

On this journey there can be several signs of progress. In the past year I've had plenty of them. I started counseling roughly a year ago, got on hormones, came out, somewhat transitioned to full time, started electrolysis.

Those are all good things. There is also external progress. Longer hair, more feminine features, doing work on the voice, learning to walk and carry oneself. Also very good things.

So having gotten moved into my girl lair, I decided to buy some speakers for my computer, no more ear phones !!!! Yayyyyyyy.

I just posted my first story here last week, and figured it would be nice to introduce myself. I've been lurking here for a few years, and enjoying some truly excellent stories - thank you all very much. I'd recently changed jobs, and the new position is much less demanding than what I'd done previously (pays more, though ;) The upshot of which is that I've been getting bored, so decided to try my hand at writing, thus my first story.

Well, after church today, I was invited out for coffee with the pastor and a couple of the members of the church, and I got a chance to show them my poetry, and read to them "Dear God", and "A Psalm of Dorothy"

They were blown away.

A couple of them actually teared up.

They asked, begged, for me to send them links so they can have permanent copies, and to pass them on to some places they think would be interested in them.

Pretty neat, yes?

what a difference a night makes. the night before last I had missed a couple of things while working, and felt awful. Last night my supervisor complimented me on my work.

Was getting on Youtube last night when the message said I had to download IE 10. It's causing all sorts of problems. :(

I know don't tell me. I'm busy trying to stop kicking my own ass.

It's been a while... okay, quite a while. But, rumors of my demise are greatly exaggerated.

Okay, last night I had a pretty strange dream.

I'm trying to learn love. I don't think I've ever felt before and I don't think anyone has ever given it to me . what? passed for love in my family was nothing more than manipulation. It is hard for me to comprehend that someone can show me love without expecting something in return. I apologize for all those who are bearing with me as I learn . Just so you know I'm trying my best.

Just heard the verdict in the Steubenville rape case. As I feared, a slap on the wrist for the popular football players, and no justice for the victim. Trying really hard not to let myself get lost in anger ....

I must have "free advice-giver" written on me somewhere. Last night a co-worker who I've just started to get to know decided to unload about her long-distance relationship. Reminds me of high school when I had several girls who regularly filled me in how awful their boyfriends treated them ....

just finished the latest chapter of "Jem" which featured "TG PMS" - basically its when a trans girl like me starts feeling like a fake. It happens to me sometimes, and on bad days I wonder if I will ever be whole .....

Ah, well. I'm pretty blessed in this journey so far. The rejection and hatred I expected did not happen, and even those people who think this is a mistake have assured me that they love me anyway.

Had a very scary moment last night. I had gone to pick up Sharon, and drove her to her 2nd job cleaning a doctor's office. I was still kinda hurting and tired from my ER adventures, so I stayed in the car and figured I'd have a short nap.

Unfortunately, as soon as I fell asleep, I was partially woken up by something shaking me. Then I realized it was me shaking me - my muscles were doing this spaz thing like I was being shocked, and I couldnt seem to wake up enough to make it stop.

Just about finished a new piece. It starts off pretty dark, but for the brave soul who reads it all the way, well.... you'll see.

Had an interesting conversation with a girl at work. She described with great gusto her love for zombie-killing, and of course I immediately thought of my little story (which you can find here:)

Thanks to a story by Bailey Summers, I've been thinking about my dad. As most of you know, He committed suicide when I was 5 years old. They call it "depression" but somehow, it just doesnt seem to cover this total inability to see himself as a person of worth. He lived his last few years as if all the blessings in his life were stolen property that would be taken from him as soon as he was caught with them ....

I know this struggle in myself far too well. Too many days have started or ended with me feeling like I was getting an "F" in life .....