Autobiographical

The Family Girl #053: A Summer Girl's Four Epiphanies

The Family Girl Blogs
(aka "The New Working Girl Blogs")

Blog #53: A Summer Girl's Four Epiphanies

To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link:
http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Ma said during our last skype call a few days ago that it's forty-five degrees back home. Living in Manila for a while now, I am now more used to using Centigrade when measuring temperature, as opposed to Fahrenheit, and using kilometers instead of miles when measuring distance. So when she said forty-five degrees, I used my iPad and came up with 7.2 Centigrade. I told her it was 95 degrees here (which is 35 in centigrade-speak). It's so friggin' hot here! What I wouldn't give for a forty-five degree day.

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Its becoming harder to have male parts

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It seems like the more comfortable with myself as a girl I become, the harder it is to have male bits. Last night my parts moved a bit, and I had to fight back tears, and I also had to fight off the urge to take my box-cutter knife to them ....

Ah, well.

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say what now?

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Well, last night, my supervisor came by and told me she wanted me to motivate my fellow workers in finishing as fast as possible. I giggled, but she said she was serious, she wanted me to do this. I asked her, "Why me?"

She said, "Because I like you."

Well, what the heck could I say to that?

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Feeling Paranoid!

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I'm feeling very paranoid today because of something my mother said this morning. I was about to tell her something amazing that I had found out last night. I said, ''You'll never guess what I found out last night!'' and she replied, ''That you are really a boy?'' with a slight smile. That got me worried. It's probably nothing but it's just the way she said it that made me paranoid. It was as if she knew something. Bleagh. I hope she doesn't.

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Tell Jaci I'm NOT a girly girl!

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Well, last night, Jaci was talking to me, and she was trying out her "manly man" voice (and totally failing to sound at all like a guy, she sounds like a girl with a cold), when I started to .... chuckle. A little.

She jumps on it, and says I giggle like a school girl, which is totally NOT true, I laugh like a guy, I know I do ....

Isnt it great to have a friend who will tease you until you cant help but laugh?

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You can thank Tels I'm still here

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Well, you guys can thank Jaci (AKA Tels) that I'm still here. I woke this morning feeling completely numb. Nothing mattered, nothing had any meaning of any kind. As I went through my morning routine like a zombie, I came to the conclusion I had to quit being Dorothy, since I had lost my family and my daughter didnt want to be seen in public with me. I dont know how long this would have lasted before I would have done something drastic, but fortunately, Jaci was online, and agreed to phone me.

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I feel like a tissue used then thrown away

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I feel like a tissue, I was used to further someone else's enjoyment and thrown laway because I was worthless.

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I'm giving up on reaching my brother and sister-in-law

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Well, last night, we had Easter dinner with the family, and my sister-in-law said some interesting things. First, she basically put aside the work I've been doing trying to recover the memories of my rape and its association to my gender issues, saying such memories have been added to and subtracted from over the years to the point they are not reliable.

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Well crap

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I usually don't make my life's frustrations public, but sometimes it just feels like the world is working against you. To add to my growing depression and frustration at my inablility to do any writing lately (I have at least 5 projects in various stages of being written, but last night my computer's main hard drive had a catastrophic failure. I had just cleared the secondary drive to move stuff there to free up space, but it was late and "I could do it tomorrow." The loss is immeasurable and among the causalties were the "source" files of several stories.

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Happy Easter!

       
Hi, everyone, it's Bobbie C.

We are up to our ears with cooking at the moment. We're expecting about a dozen friends and coworkers, plus my brother-in-law Toshio, over for Easter Sunday lunch, but I just wanted to send off a quick little greeting for today.

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Saw "The Host" today

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Just got back from watching the movie "The Host". Its an awesome movie, I can really recommend it. Most days, I dont feel like I'm like Melanie the human female, nor like Jared, her love, but like Wanderer, a stranger in a strange land, wondering if there is any place she can really belong ....

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A Birthday Post of Sorts

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I'm supposed to be working on a paper for school about the evolution of RISC, pipelining, cache and virtual memory for my Computer Architecture course. Instead, I'm semi-crossposting the following from my main blog because I realize it's been a while since I wrote here, and the paper is boring; I'm a software girl, hardware gets in the way :P. Here's the post, and I'll go back to pretending to write this paper now. :)

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not a good night last night

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well, not a good night last night. Any night that ends with me being carted off on a stretcher has to be considered a pretty bad one, and that was the case last night. I popped my shoulder out, and they ended up taking me to the hospital to get it looked at. I got off lucky, no serious damage, but I'm off work tonight, and on modified duties for a while thereafter.

On the other hand, one of my supervisors, upon hearing a bit of my life story, described me as being tremendously together, considering my past. So there is that, I suppose .....

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Signs of progress?

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On this journey there can be several signs of progress. In the past year I've had plenty of them. I started counseling roughly a year ago, got on hormones, came out, somewhat transitioned to full time, started electrolysis.

Those are all good things. There is also external progress. Longer hair, more feminine features, doing work on the voice, learning to walk and carry oneself. Also very good things.

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sailing to Girlland

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many of you may not be old enough to remember a TV mini-series called "Shogun". The series was interesting for one reason - when the main character finds himself marooned in Japan before Japan had much if any contact with the west, they showed the first couple of episodes without translation - no subtitles, no voice dubs, the Japanese spoke Japanese, and the audience was to be drawn into the main character's confusion.

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An Introduction

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I just posted my first story here last week, and figured it would be nice to introduce myself. I've been lurking here for a few years, and enjoying some truly excellent stories - thank you all very much. I'd recently changed jobs, and the new position is much less demanding than what I'd done previously (pays more, though ;) The upshot of which is that I've been getting bored, so decided to try my hand at writing, thus my first story.

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Impressing my pastor

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Well, after church today, I was invited out for coffee with the pastor and a couple of the members of the church, and I got a chance to show them my poetry, and read to them "Dear God", and "A Psalm of Dorothy"

They were blown away.

A couple of them actually teared up.

They asked, begged, for me to send them links so they can have permanent copies, and to pass them on to some places they think would be interested in them.

Pretty neat, yes?

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what a difference a night makes?

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what a difference a night makes. the night before last I had missed a couple of things while working, and felt awful. Last night my supervisor complimented me on my work.

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being scared

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I finally had to admit to myself I'm scared to go further in my transition. I was talking to Jaci, and I actually started crying when all this anxiety and fear of surgery came bubbling out of me, and even changing my name legally scares me. Be that as it may, since its not likely that the Blue Fairy isnt likely to come visit me and turn my bits into their female equalivants, I have only the two choices - go forward, or live with what I got. And I honestly dont know if I'm capable of option two ..

Ah, well.

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What should I have said

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This evening I picked up a friend of my wife who was doing us a favour. He climbed into the car and began with ‘Do you realize that if I wanted to live as a woman all I would need to do is dress as a woman for 2 years, get a letter from a psychiatrist and then I would get a new passport, new birth certificate and so on. But my question is what would the law be if I went into the wrong toilet.”

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Love and question

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I'm trying to learn love. I don't think I've ever felt before and I don't think anyone has ever given it to me . what? passed for love in my family was nothing more than manipulation. It is hard for me to comprehend that someone can show me love without expecting something in return. I apologize for all those who are bearing with me as I learn . Just so you know I'm trying my best.

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Upset over Steubenville

Just heard the verdict in the Steubenville rape case. As I feared, a slap on the wrist for the popular football players, and no justice for the victim. Trying really hard not to let myself get lost in anger ....

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need advice? Ask Dottie ...

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I must have "free advice-giver" written on me somewhere. Last night a co-worker who I've just started to get to know decided to unload about her long-distance relationship. Reminds me of high school when I had several girls who regularly filled me in how awful their boyfriends treated them ....

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bad day for flashbacks

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Had a bad day for flashbacks last night. I think that if I had known what horrors were locked in my head behind the door marked "Dorothy", I would have never been brave enough to open it up. I've gained the girl I was before my rape, but the memories of what happened to me are almost more than I can bear ....

But thanks to my wonderful friends, I live to fight another day

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TG PMS

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just finished the latest chapter of "Jem" which featured "TG PMS" - basically its when a trans girl like me starts feeling like a fake. It happens to me sometimes, and on bad days I wonder if I will ever be whole .....

Ah, well. I'm pretty blessed in this journey so far. The rejection and hatred I expected did not happen, and even those people who think this is a mistake have assured me that they love me anyway.

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scary moment last night.

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Had a very scary moment last night. I had gone to pick up Sharon, and drove her to her 2nd job cleaning a doctor's office. I was still kinda hurting and tired from my ER adventures, so I stayed in the car and figured I'd have a short nap.

Unfortunately, as soon as I fell asleep, I was partially woken up by something shaking me. Then I realized it was me shaking me - my muscles were doing this spaz thing like I was being shocked, and I couldnt seem to wake up enough to make it stop.

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just got home from the hosptital

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I just got back from getting checked out at my local hospital. I had a lot of pain in my stomach , and so decided to get it looked at. Just some bruising from work, so that was a relief, but I got really tired of being called by my male name when my preferred name is listed on my chart ....

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zombie killer girl at work

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Had an interesting conversation with a girl at work. She described with great gusto her love for zombie-killing, and of course I immediately thought of my little story (which you can find here:)

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bruising myself at work

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came home from work yesterday with a loonie-size bruise on my belly, and no idea how it got there. Today its spread, and looks rather nasty. One of these days, I'm going to poke a hole right through me, and not realize it until I look at the floor and wonder where all the red stuff came from ....

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Fighting depression

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Thanks to a story by Bailey Summers, I've been thinking about my dad. As most of you know, He committed suicide when I was 5 years old. They call it "depression" but somehow, it just doesnt seem to cover this total inability to see himself as a person of worth. He lived his last few years as if all the blessings in his life were stolen property that would be taken from him as soon as he was caught with them ....

I know this struggle in myself far too well. Too many days have started or ended with me feeling like I was getting an "F" in life .....

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Its getting harder and harder.

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The demons came last night. Its been awhile since I've had a really bad nightmare. I don't get much sleep and wake up three to four times a night. I am a light sleeper and it usually takes me about 30 minutes to get back to sleep. And maybe its my paranoia or a defense against the nightmares I don't know.

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Where I am

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I feel very unworthy, very unloved, and very ugly today. Perhaps I need to realize that I will never gain acceptance and at best can only hope to be tolerated. Maybe I should give up on the goal of being honest with the world and with myself since it has been brought to my attention that I will never pass. The 1 thing that I don't want to be is seen as a joke or carnival sideshow.

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