Autobiographical

A couple of Anniversaries for me.

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Sunday is Bastille Day, the anniversary of the storming of the notorious prison in Paris which was one of the trigger points of the French Revolution and arguably, the French have been revolting ever since.

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had a talk with my supervisor about my co-worker

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Well, last night I had another encounter with my clueless co-worker, and after she once again called me by my male name, I made a point of talking to my supervisor about the situation. She talked to the girl, and the girl said she had met me when we both worked at Zellers (I dont remember meeting her, but that doesnt mean it didnt happen.) So according to her, she was having some trouble doing a mental switch and call me by the right name, but would do better in the future.

For now, I'm going to consider this a win, but I will be on my guard around her ....

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my uncle is in the hospital

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Just got a phone call from one of my aunts saying that one of my uncles is in the hospital after having had a stroke. Dont know more yet, waiting till mom comes home so we can go see him.

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Can't shake this feeling

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If I was in a better position financially I would commit myself to a mental ward and never leave. I am dangerously depressed and sleep deprived. Things are going well, but I am so fearful that the bottom is going to drop out and that I'm going to lose everything. I would rather die than to see that happen and that worries me.

I am so tired of the fight, so tired of the struggle, so tired of people looking down at me and sneering at me.

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helped out at church again today

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Today at church, I was asked to help with the communion service, and it was a good experience. We were given these sashes, then we went down to the front to hold out the bread and the wine for the congregation to come down and partake.

Best part? They gave me a sash with a butterfly on it ....

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a day filled with pain

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Well, yesterday was a pain-filled day. First, my breasts started hurting, and it got pretty bad. So bad that I started crying on the phone with Jaci and Ruth and pretty much blubbered for more than hour, with the only words I could say were "I'm sorry" over and over again ......

Then, at work, my male bits somehow managed to slip out of my panties, and the pain I experienced was tremendous, and the psychological suffering was just as bad ....

Ah, well. Time to sleep, and hope for a better night tonight.

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assumptions

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The biggest thing about being trans is that it forces you to deal with the assumptions people have about gender. Most people dont think about their gender, or how being male or female influences how people treat you, but as a trans person, I have to face those assumptions every day. Along with the assumptions comes judgement - am I feminine enough, or too feminine? How do people see me, and how do I interact with them?

I'm trying to learn to give myself some slack in these judgments, and am hoping others will do the same.

So far so good .....

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Cute couple started as the opposite sexes

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Here is a story about a cute couple of kids who both started as the opposite sex.

http://abcnews.go.com/2020/video/transgender-teens-girl-guy-...

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The Family Girl #063: Happy 4th of July

The Family Girl Blogs
(aka "The New Working Girl Blogs")

Blog #63: Happy 4th of July

To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link:
http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

It's too bad that the 4th of July's just a regular workday around here, except at my office, of course - only essential people or on-duty call agents were required to report for work.

Unfortunately, per the office's operations guide, my position is considered "essential," hence I had to work today... darn...

But, nevertheless, A hearty Happy 4th of July to everyone! Enjoy the day, and keep safe!

And a special shoutout to our brave fighting men and women! This is your day as much as it is anyone's.

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Had an awesome birthday !

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had an awesome birthday yesterday. I got tons of well-wishes from my online friends, I had a decent dinner with my brother and sister-in-law, and then got serenaded by my co-workers at work. Then to add the cherry to the sundae, two people at work made a point of saying "hey there, birthday girl" to me, which felt awesome.

It was so much fun, I almost dont wanna wait a year to do it again ...

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The Family Girl #062: What can you do?

The Family Girl Blogs
(aka "The New Working Girl Blogs")

Blog #62: What can you do?

To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link:
http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

I don't know if you read my blog from a couple of months back, but, in that blog, I talked about a friend who was having problems at home, including fighting a weight problem and a diabetic condition (she had lost a foot already), and her insistence on continuing with transitioning.

As with most families, her family was not uderstanding of her transgender issues, and it has become worse and worse for her (She said, "I have examined my living conditions, and found them wanting."). Her children have even threatened her with violence. She and I talked about it and we both agreed that, if she continues to insist on pushing through with her transitioning, there really is no choice but to move out. She set it for July 1, a date I'm sure she picked at the time because she felt it was far enough away to be comfortable.

http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/43879/family-girl-55-remi...

Alas, it's July 1 today. And it hasn't happened. I guess I just have to shrug and say to myself, "what can you do?"

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Sometimes it feels lonely

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being one of the few intelligent life forms on this planet. Over the weekend I laboured in my garden removing an invasive species of plant, periwinkle, which forms matted roots which required me to use a mattock to get through. I took them to my back garden and tried to burn them. The fire smouldered all night, but didn't destroy half the pest. I'll finish the job tonight, thought I.

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One Hundred and Forty-six years ago today

One hundred and forty-six years ago today, a strange, improbable, and fantastic country came into being. Its the most awesome place in the world, for a lot of reasons, but there are two that mean the most to me.

First, its my home and native land, and I'd be glad to stand on guard for it.

Second, its the most tolerant country in the world for trans people like me. Nowhere else would be as welcoming, and I am so proud of my countrymen for that.

Happy Canada Day, everybody.

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The Family Girl #061: It's Too Obvious Now

The Family Girl Blogs
(aka "The New Working Girl Blogs")

Blog #61: It's Too Obvious Now

To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link:
http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

It was actually confirmed February 22, but Sweetie and I haven't been telling anyone. We weren't really keeping it a secret, but we would only tell people if they asked. So we've been able to keep it quiet for a while. Which was something we thought was important. I being a post-op TG girl wasn't the issue (as very, very few here know), but the fact that we were in a same-sex relationship was. Especially in a very conservative, predominantly-catholic country like the Philippines. (Guess that's the advantage of Washington DC - people are more blasé about such things back home.) And adding this to the mix will just make us doubly... controversial... So we though keeping this quiet was important.

But that's impossible now.

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I feel like giving up

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I'm starting to doubt that in my lifetime lgbt equal rights will be a reality. With the stranglehold that conservatives have on the court system, recent Supreme Court decision striking down the voting rights act in defiance of the 15th amendment, a pro marriage equality ruling which is only a small step towards equal rights seems increasingly unlikely. The conservative stranglehold in congress means ENDA has no chance of passing the house, and that is only for employement.

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a typically girly reaction?

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had coffee with my friend Erin yesterday, and she asked me if I did anything to augment my breasts. I dont, but the whole time we were talking afterward I was self-conscious about them. It felt almost like I was topless, if you understand what I mean. I've been told this is a pretty normal reaction for a girl ....

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Small steps - finding my own style

Over the last months I did some more small steps.

Starting HRT, coming out to my mother and my siblings.
I still have to tell my eldest brother and my father, but this is not a real problem.

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messing with gender roles

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saw my gender doc today, and after it was over I went downtown on a whim. There was a festival called "The works" going on, which is a celebration of visual arts, and while I wondered around, I saw a big burly guy wearing a skirt. Nothing else was even slightly feminine, he wore socks and heavy shoes, a normal guy's shirt, and he had a beard (and hairy legs). I just wondered why the skirt. What message is he trying to send? "look at me, I'm different"? or is it "I'm such a manly man, I can look manly in a skirt"?

Too bad I was too much a chicken to ask ....

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Floods in Calgary

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Although I was born in New Brunswick, I consider Calgary, Alberta to be my childhood home. I was there from age 5 until age 19, except for the year I spent in Denver, so we're talking 13 years in the city during my school years.

Well, right now, my childhood home is under water.

A flood the likes never seen before has hit southern Alberta, causing the evacuation of more than 100,000 people, and some brave souls have taken to Facebook to post pics of what the city looks like, and its ... devastated.

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My breasts hurt ....

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I started having pain in my breasts last night, probably meaning that I am about have a growth spurt. As much as I am happy to get a little closer to leaving the itty bitty titty committee, this is painful ...

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a reconciliation with my brother?

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Well, my brother has made some moves toward us moving past some of the hurts from the past. It all started when I sent him a message thanking him for coming to my poetry reading, and I talked about something he had mentioned at the time, that he felt like he was mourning the death of his brother Todd. I said that if you want to think of it that way, Todd laid down his life so I could live, so he was a hero.

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Gender reassignment surgery

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In September of this year I will be undergoing Gender Re-assignment Surgery. I met with DR. Sherman Leis in Bala Cynwyd today and we set the date. I am healthy in all aspects and am ready to make the step I have been waiting to make for a long time. The Surgery will take place in Philadelphia. I have met with Dr. Leis several times. I made my decision based om location, availability and if an emergency arises I am close to the surgeon.
I have met some of his patients and they speak highly of him. I do trust him and have saved the money for the surgery.

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Help get me ready for the Trans wedding of the century

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The wedding between J. Felix and Katie Leone is definitely going to happen. We are aiming for late summer 2014. This gives people plenty of time to save money for travel expenses and the such. I know Dorothy wants to be a bridesmaid and I've asked Jenn C.. I am dead set on having Erin Halfelvin (because I never know if I should use her real name) to be my Matron of honor. We are getting set to go into premarital counseling. I've got a dressed picked out. But there is a lot to prepare for in a little over a year.

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Running naked in my dreams?

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Well, last night I had an interesting dream. I was taken to a busy street corner, and asked to deliver a package that had a towel, a facecloth, and a hand towel. The challenge was, I was naked.

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Too descriptive

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Some of you know that I have been working on a very frank and blunt autobiograpy. In the initial chapters there is a character who was extremely angry, violent and abusive. He swore constantly. I plan to publish this on the open market, using my old name. I think it will piss some of the family off, hopefully.

So in describing this individual do I use all the swear words that he did, or should I just try to explain how profane he was?

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Appreciative

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I wanted to thank everyone who responded to the other blog. That's one thing so wonderful about this site is how supportive we are with one another. While other sites try to tear others down, we are building each other up.

I am in a little bit better mindset. Felix and I are brainstorming things we can do at home to help. I may do one of those kickstarter promotions in order to get the piece of exercise equipment I need (I find that I don't lose weight with just dieting and I don't live in a neighborhood where I can simply walk around without being accosted.)

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Why I am killing myself

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I am killing myself. I didn't mistype that and I don't think I'm being melodramatic. I am slowly and certainly killing myself and the truth is, I'm not that far away from succeeding. I think I decided sometime that I really have nothing left to live for so why even bother going on. Thing is, life has changed for me, and this time for the better, but my mind and body hasn't gotten the message.

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