While I seem to be soldiering on, life seems to be far too big for me at times and I am thinking of disappearing. BCTS seems to be the one pleasant and relatively peaceful place in my life, so I would perhaps not disappear from here.

In real life, I have somehow been harnessed as a stalking horse for certain GBLT activist groups and this public life is uncomfortable for me. I'd rather just quietly live my life, not revealing that I am anything but an elderly woman. I've learned some hard lessons in the last few years.

So, in laying the ground work for said disappearance, in Oregon, I just need to pay my $200 and file the application for name change. I have several undocumented pseudonyms that I have used for a long time. It seems like a good idea to move to a rural area of the Southwest of the USA, because my body likes hot, dry weather. I suspect that dealing with Social Security, the VA, and the IRS will be more complicated and have thought about employing an attorney to help but fear the cost will be prohibitive. So, I would welcome any little lists or other wisdom those who have gone before me have developed.

Those who are not religious need read no further.

For those who are Mormon or members of some other conservative church, I seem to have been enlisted and harnessed as a stalking horse for those within the church who wish to see more equitable treatment of those of gender nonconformity and of SSM fame. This is an extremely uncomfortable and wearing task and I fear I lack the strength for it. My first impulse is to cut and run as fast as I can, having had a life time of wounding from not being what some think I should be. To be sure, this is not a suicide note.

I am well aware that many have been handled roughly by the Mormons and other conservative churches, but also think I see evidence of the moderation of the warring parties. I am old, and feeling it more, and it may not happen in my life time. Think of the last few verses of "Thanatopsis", So live that when thy summons comes to join ... You get the gist of it.

I think our best hope is to show evidence of genetic malfunction. I am XY PAIS, and those who are using me seem to think I present a nearly flawless image of what a woman should be, while I wonder if they have been sucking on the blarney stone. The cost of Kariotype tests has plummeted in the last several years, and mine was around $350. They did not do the "Cadillac" test and can only tell me that I am XY and that they Y chromosome did not work right. I suspect that a better test exists and I hope that those with the means would do their research and press for the better test.

Much Peace

Gwendolyn

PS, I am thinking of changing my public name to Credence Browne, what say ye?