Unfortunately, going on my nightly experiences, that probably won't help much... but I'm going to take it easy this week-end. I've spent three days visiting hospitals last week and another rebuilding the house network. Phew!

Each time I go to a hospital it basically uses up a day. If I go to the local hospital for a blood test, it is a mile walk and then a bus ride each way; I can get other things done but you can't get a full run at anything. Going to the Renal clinic is an hour's train ride and a mile walk each end so basically we make it a day out and roam the shops, eat out, etc.

In January of this Year I stepped on the scale at the VA hospital in Philadelphia my weight came out as the last four digits as my SSN but with a period after the first three numbers such as as 123.4.
I decided I needed professional help and got it. Now ten months later I weigh 80 pounds less

So trying to cut myself off from my family did not work. just after I got myself my own phone plan my own life. everything was going great. my car blew a head Gasket.

If I needed a reminder that as bad as I think things are getting, in actual fact they could be a lot worse, I got it last night at work.

Oct. 30 I got really early (5AM) and braved rush hour traffic in Dallas to get something I had been working on for a while.

There is quite the balancing act going on with my new post: Unreachable. It seems that there are some who are really enjoying the story and I wish I could just throw it all up at once, but it really is too long (180k+ words). Add on top of that that I'm selling it on Amazon and it leaves me in a bit of a lurch. Of course I want to sell books, it helps with the bills, but I also like sharing my creations as well. I also like reviews and comments and kudos in abundance.

I found this blog on de-transitioning, and thought I would share it. It bothers me, because of how similar our stories are, giving me fear that should I get the surgery, I'll only end up doing what he's doing ...

http://retransition.org/2013/10/detransition-transsexual-reg...

Well, last night I was having a conversation with Jaci, when out of the blue I started shaking and crying. I bawled and bawled for about twenty minutes, while Jaci just let me go at it, but finally I wound down enough to regain some control again, at which point I wanted to know why this happened. Jaci thinks this was because of the tension I had going into my physical finally coming out, but I'm not so sure that's the only reason.

Ah, well.

Well, I am breathing a sigh of relief. I had a physical today, and by the time I went there I was shaking and near tears because the last time I went the prostrate exam set off my PTSD something awful.

But as it happened, the doc didnt need to do that this time, so I escaped without a major meltdown

It will come as no great shock to regular readers of this blog to find out I struggle with feelings of worthlessness at times.

spent most of yesterday at the hospital because I have some kind of growth on the bottom of my foot. I love the fact that I can go to the hospital without worrying about how I'm gonna pay for it ....

The best they could tell me is it isnt a bone spur or something like that. They think its an infection, so I will be on antibiotics ...

ah, well.

In a few days I will take the final step on the first part of my way:

After Halloween I'll drop my male disguise completely.

So I've finally come to the decision. I don't need my family anymore. So I've disowned them. I'm tired of caring what they thing. I'm tired of hurting. To follow a story recently on the site, Masks, I've determined my male self, Dan, is a mask lined with thorns. a Mask that is so heavy that if I let it sit on me. It hurts so much eventually I will be no more.

I just posted the last of God Bless the Child and published Unreachable. That is going to be it for me. It has been a great ride. I had some laughs, shed some tears, but I'm really not cut out to be an author. I don't have what it takes and it has become obvious. There is a certain level of attention to detail to produce a good story, and I don't have that ability. It is more than just not getting reads and comments and kudos and reviews.

Got laid off today. Money was tight before. Now? Time to prepare for the siege.

I had this job for almost 12 years. Got a decent severance, which is going to help a lot.

Well, my subconscious is clearly trying to tell me something.

I wasn't really ready for this when I found it on Facebook, but I think it needs to be widely shared and read. The author has done what I never could do, and expressed it well.

Well, today is Canadian Thanksgiving, and has become tradition, I will list some of the things I'm thankful for:

For Kyile: Because she has become something precious to me.

Here is an interesting article about the use of trans people as horror movie villains

http://www.autostraddle.com/whos-afraid-of-the-big-bad-trans...

You ever have too many ideas?

I sure do right now. I could write every moment, skip meals and sleep and work, and I wont get them done until I'm 100 ....

Back from the con, I had a great time. I'm working in the bookstore today and have a writer's group meeting tonight but I will be on and off. And Piper and Amy had their baby!

What a weekend!

I've worked very hard to become harmless.

well, I went to church in my LBD again, and my braids, and felt wonderful. Then I went to a local mall and found a make-up counter, and got a bit of a makeover. I dont think I've ever looked this pretty ...

I was wondering if there was someone here with a strong psychology background that could read a 34 page Facebook journal for me and give me their assessment. I think that someone has an adjustment disorder, and is possibly obsessive but am unsure about how to proceed.