I seem to have acquired a "voice" whose sole purpose is to make me as girly and feminine as possible. For example, when I am at work, and I see some item that's been painted pink, I end up having an argument like this:

"We should get that. Its pink!"

"Cant afford it."

"But its pink!"

"I have one just like it."

"Not in pink!"

"Its not even something I can use!"

"But its pink!"

And on and on it goes.

I blame Jaci for this voice. Its gotta be her fault ....

Darn. I messed up. I finally realized how. It took me a couple days, but I got there eventually. After trying my new breastforms on with every different bra I have, and I have several of different sizes, types, and brands, the reality is finally sinking in. I think I ordered the wrong ones.

There has been too much loss in the last while.

First Wren, now Holly ....

I'd really like it if it stopped for a while.

At least give me a chance to grieve.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #64: Just going away for a couple of months. Peace! To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Hi, everyone. Will be away for a couple of months, so don't get mad, or worry if you don't see me logging on or posting for a bit. Peace! Sweetie and I are just taking some time off from everything, to recover from the loss of the baby. Just need some alone time. I'm sure you understand.

Imagine ... a little girl ...

yeah, she has a growth between her legs that has led to her being given a male name, but she's as girly as any girl born with a double x.

There are a number of us here who at one time or another have felt suicidal, and several of us who are survivors of one or more actual attempts.

But let me state the obvious.

So, since my SRS in August of 2007, dilation has been painful and icky to the point that I eventually just abandoned it for like years!

Sometimes you really have to be careful what you wish for and sometimes things happen that you want to happen until they happen.

I just had a shocking conversation with my mom. I was on the phone with Jaci, and apparently my mom remembers me coming home from school in a dress at age 13 and doing a little twirl for her. For some reason, this is making me tear up ...

I seems like everyday is normal until your birthday comes along, and everyone gets excited about it. People celebrate it with you, your family especially. Right?

I've just a few days ago stopped taking the last of my sleeper pills and am feeling weird but OK.

I am feeling very sick right now. Good thing I have Jaci to make me giggle ...

Well, last night I had a bit of a breakdown/breakthrough. I was talking with Jaci (Big surprise, I'm always talking with Jaci, or Kylie, or Ruth ....) and I asked her if she thought I was a fragile as she had told my mom I am, that if I dont move forward toward SRS something really bad would happen to me. She said, "you've had several breakdowns talking to me on the phone, and they are getting worse. The last couple it took both me and Ruth to get you stable again. So yes, I think you're that fragile."

I'm sorry, I dont mean to be flooding you guys with stories. I've NEVER been this filled with ideas ...

I only remember today is Geekydee's birthday, because it is my birthday too. Makes it easy to remember that way

Well, I just had an interesting conversation with my mom. She told me that even before I was in kindergarten she worried about the fact I didn't act like a boy at all. So even if I hadn't been raped, hadn't lost my dad, I was still destined to be trans. Nice to have it confirmed by someone who knows me, someone who was there ...

Had a nasty flashback just before church started, but thankfully one of the ladies saw my distress, and sat beside me holding my hand while I cried for about 10 minutes.

Here is a pretty good video on gender basics:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXI9w0PbBXY

I had a dream in which I was taking part, probably not completely voluntarily, in some sort of medical experiment which involved creating a baby with genetic material from three different people, me and two women, I think. I'm not sure what the purpose of the project was, and I think the baby was incubated somehow rather than implanted in somebody's womb. Anyway, in the dream I asked the people in charge if I could breastfeed the baby myself, implicitly asking them to give me lactating breasts, and it seemed that the request could and would be granted, but I woke up.

My background check came back all clear so I had to do some paper work this after noon. Tonight, I get to go in and work on the computer, doing tests on safety, harassment and other issues and maybe get a crash course in the store. So wish me luck. I have been up since 6 am and may be up till 6 am when I get home.

So as a yay go me, I am posting a new chapter to Through the years.

Many people think I am always sweet and kind. Last night I was a bitch.

I'm Sorry.

Gwendolyn

So, I posted this to push the blog I posted this afternoon off the front page. In 120 reads, it got no comments. Hmmm. Well, I know some of you can't stomach my beliefs, or maybe me in general. I feel bad. It was supposed to be a funny, tongue in cheek, jab at life.

I came here, I think in 2001. I was in bad shape. Some here nursed me through lots of hell; 5 hospitalizations in the pink, padded room. Thank you. I'm better now; have a new life.

So, I'm gonna think about this. I'm really thankful to those who have gotten to know me, you're the best.

I saw this today and the information leaves me confused.

Cosmetic:

So, I've had an interesting week. I guess I should start from the beginning. I was hanging out with friends, and we watched pacific rim. after that we went out and had super nachos which is this big nacho plate. anyways. after that we broke up and it was just me and my friend who we all call Jacob or Jake. So we were driving around, chatting and the conversation shifts to high school and college. Basically, in my junior year, I dropped out got my GED, and lost contact with all my friends for a while. While growing up, I was trying to hide the fact I was transgendered from everyone.