So, tonight I went to TDOR. I was surprised that the attendance was around 200 people, about 2/3 MtF folk. FtM folk were there along with some Lesbians but not many gay men according to my GADAR.

Well, I wanted to talk about some positives about being trans, but last night I ended up fighting nightmares of rape basically the whole night. Probably triggered by my trying to write my autobiography, stupid me.

I will survive, but this isnt the way I wanted to start my day...

Ah, well.

Question for you all. If you were a pre-op male to female trans person, would you be comfortable using a woman's locker room? For example, before and after a gym class? I know my answer, but what do you guys and gals say?

Well, I had my daughter last night, and it got me thinking about being a parent.

Well, last night I had one of those occurrences that make me wish I understood how people interact with each other, and I'm hoping you guys will help me.

To make this fun, lets make it a quiz:

WARNING: WHAT IS TO FOLLOW IS A FRANK DISCUSSION OF SUICIDE. PLEASE BE CAREFUL READING ...

I'm sure most of you have noticed I have a new signature. It was a gift from Kylie, and I hope you guys enjoy it.

Unfortunately, going on my nightly experiences, that probably won't help much... but I'm going to take it easy this week-end. I've spent three days visiting hospitals last week and another rebuilding the house network. Phew!

Each time I go to a hospital it basically uses up a day. If I go to the local hospital for a blood test, it is a mile walk and then a bus ride each way; I can get other things done but you can't get a full run at anything. Going to the Renal clinic is an hour's train ride and a mile walk each end so basically we make it a day out and roam the shops, eat out, etc.

In January of this Year I stepped on the scale at the VA hospital in Philadelphia my weight came out as the last four digits as my SSN but with a period after the first three numbers such as as 123.4.
I decided I needed professional help and got it. Now ten months later I weigh 80 pounds less

So trying to cut myself off from my family did not work. just after I got myself my own phone plan my own life. everything was going great. my car blew a head Gasket.

If I needed a reminder that as bad as I think things are getting, in actual fact they could be a lot worse, I got it last night at work.

Oct. 30 I got really early (5AM) and braved rush hour traffic in Dallas to get something I had been working on for a while.

There is quite the balancing act going on with my new post: Unreachable. It seems that there are some who are really enjoying the story and I wish I could just throw it all up at once, but it really is too long (180k+ words). Add on top of that that I'm selling it on Amazon and it leaves me in a bit of a lurch. Of course I want to sell books, it helps with the bills, but I also like sharing my creations as well. I also like reviews and comments and kudos in abundance.

I found this blog on de-transitioning, and thought I would share it. It bothers me, because of how similar our stories are, giving me fear that should I get the surgery, I'll only end up doing what he's doing ...

http://retransition.org/2013/10/detransition-transsexual-reg...

Well, last night I was having a conversation with Jaci, when out of the blue I started shaking and crying. I bawled and bawled for about twenty minutes, while Jaci just let me go at it, but finally I wound down enough to regain some control again, at which point I wanted to know why this happened. Jaci thinks this was because of the tension I had going into my physical finally coming out, but I'm not so sure that's the only reason.

Ah, well.

Well, I am breathing a sigh of relief. I had a physical today, and by the time I went there I was shaking and near tears because the last time I went the prostrate exam set off my PTSD something awful.

But as it happened, the doc didnt need to do that this time, so I escaped without a major meltdown

It will come as no great shock to regular readers of this blog to find out I struggle with feelings of worthlessness at times.

spent most of yesterday at the hospital because I have some kind of growth on the bottom of my foot. I love the fact that I can go to the hospital without worrying about how I'm gonna pay for it ....

The best they could tell me is it isnt a bone spur or something like that. They think its an infection, so I will be on antibiotics ...

ah, well.

In a few days I will take the final step on the first part of my way:

After Halloween I'll drop my male disguise completely.

So I've finally come to the decision. I don't need my family anymore. So I've disowned them. I'm tired of caring what they thing. I'm tired of hurting. To follow a story recently on the site, Masks, I've determined my male self, Dan, is a mask lined with thorns. a Mask that is so heavy that if I let it sit on me. It hurts so much eventually I will be no more.

I just posted the last of God Bless the Child and published Unreachable. That is going to be it for me. It has been a great ride. I had some laughs, shed some tears, but I'm really not cut out to be an author. I don't have what it takes and it has become obvious. There is a certain level of attention to detail to produce a good story, and I don't have that ability. It is more than just not getting reads and comments and kudos and reviews.

Got laid off today. Money was tight before. Now? Time to prepare for the siege.

I had this job for almost 12 years. Got a decent severance, which is going to help a lot.

Well, my subconscious is clearly trying to tell me something.

I wasn't really ready for this when I found it on Facebook, but I think it needs to be widely shared and read. The author has done what I never could do, and expressed it well.