Autobiographical

where are all these tears coming from ?

Well, last night I was having a conversation with Jaci, when out of the blue I started shaking and crying. I bawled and bawled for about twenty minutes, while Jaci just let me go at it, but finally I wound down enough to regain some control again, at which point I wanted to know why this happened. Jaci thinks this was because of the tension I had going into my physical finally coming out, but I'm not so sure that's the only reason.

Ah, well.

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breathing a sigh of relief

Well, I am breathing a sigh of relief. I had a physical today, and by the time I went there I was shaking and near tears because the last time I went the prostrate exam set off my PTSD something awful.

But as it happened, the doc didnt need to do that this time, so I escaped without a major meltdown

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I have a growth on my foot

spent most of yesterday at the hospital because I have some kind of growth on the bottom of my foot. I love the fact that I can go to the hospital without worrying about how I'm gonna pay for it ....

The best they could tell me is it isnt a bone spur or something like that. They think its an infection, so I will be on antibiotics ...

ah, well.

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Interesting times

The reference is to the old Chinese proverb, of course. Did I expect to settle down to a quiet life? What do you think?

Apart from the various medical issues, there are a number of other upcoming activities which have to be addressed, of which writing is, regrettably, only one.

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Lost chance

So I've finally come to the decision. I don't need my family anymore. So I've disowned them. I'm tired of caring what they thing. I'm tired of hurting. To follow a story recently on the site, Masks, I've determined my male self, Dan, is a mask lined with thorns. a Mask that is so heavy that if I let it sit on me. It hurts so much eventually I will be no more.

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Happy Dance Time

I am overjoyed! Yesterday I had a Cardiac PET Scan Stress Test and they just called me to tell me that my cardiac arteries both large and small are in great shape and if you knew my heart history for the past 15 yrs you would be amazed too. No results on Echo-cardiogram or Carotid Ultrasound till 11/5 but that is good news in and of itself. If there were bad things she would have me in sooner.

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End of the line

I just posted the last of God Bless the Child and published Unreachable. That is going to be it for me. It has been a great ride. I had some laughs, shed some tears, but I'm really not cut out to be an author. I don't have what it takes and it has become obvious. There is a certain level of attention to detail to produce a good story, and I don't have that ability. It is more than just not getting reads and comments and kudos and reviews.

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Wonder what is going on?

Usually, I actually am reasonably pleasant woman at peace with myself and life. Oh, I have my moments but they are few and far between. Today, every time I've encountered even mildly abusive stuff in my reading it has triggered my inner Mama Bear and trust me that is scary.
Something is going on but experience has taught me that attempting to "figure it out" is fruitless. Best I sit quietly with the feeling and allow it to become clear in its own time.

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Never thought this would happen

So how do I begin this one. I guess I'll start out by saying my transition is going well. If anyone wants a link to my Transition log or E-log as I like to call it, feel free to PM me and I'll see about sending you a link to it. but anyways I digress, This past week I took adive off the deep end. in a matter of speaking. The past week, I met this guy in my reading class who asked for my number to do a study group session. later that week I got a text asking if I wanted to go out. At first, naturally I was scared. I hadn't been on a date in years.

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Anyone here with heavy Psych background ...

I was wondering if there was someone here with a strong psychology background that could read a 34 page Facebook journal for me and give me their assessment. I think that someone has an adjustment disorder, and is possibly obsessive but am unsure about how to proceed.

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I find myself wishing I could go out this Halloween

I have said here before that for most of my life I hated Halloween. I always felt like I couldnt go out as a girl because I might cause people to wonder about my masculinity, or rather my lack of the same.

But now, for some reason, I find myself wishing I could afford a costume and knew of a good adult Halloween party I could go to. But, lack of money, and lack of somewhere safe I could go means I will be on the sidelines when for the first time I actually want to be the game ...

ah, well.

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Off to ComicFest

I'm going to spend three days in San Diego, hobnobbing with some of my friends in the comics industry at a small con out in Mission Valley called ComicFest. I'll have WiFi, laptop, phone and tablet so I should be able to get online frequently and check in. Have a swell time. :)

Hugs,
Erin

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Dear Diary-Life's Changes Happen And Now I Know Why

I understand that my body is changing. I did not ask for it to change, it is happening anyways. My testosterone levels have been dropping for about ten years now (I'll be 57 in 2 months) and that is normal. But since my wife died 7 years ago I have not slept well. I usually get 3-5 hrs of sleep, in the past few months it's more like 3-6 hrs. Rarely do I sleep more than 6 hrs. I recently investigated the causes of low testosterone in men and found that age 40+ the levels decrease, this is natural.

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I'm back!

Well, I was discharged yesterday (Weds 12th), a process that took all afternoon. I'm home and attempting to pick up the pieces of life again.

I'll draw a veil over the hospital experience since a lot of you have been there and done that. I'm just glad I wasn't as badly off as some of the other poor sods on my ward.

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I'm alright...

Cat scan found no cats, colonoscopy found no punctuation marks, blood test shows lower sugar, eye test shows beginning cataracts but again, sadly no other cats than the two who already own our home. Back brace helps but my day was sponsored by the letter L and the number 7. But.... I know who I am and how much of Andrea remains a vital part of me.... so......

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I am Back, .... And my cat is dieing

Thank to the work of Joyce and Erin of One of the best sites on the Internet.

I have obviously been able to finally after a 1/2 year of not being able to sign-in, sign in again.

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New Novel Update

As some of you may or may not know, I've been working extremely hard on the next great trans novel. It is a good story, about a middle school teacher and a troubled student with a panache for misbehaving. They butt heads in the beginning of the book until the teacher realizes the kid is harboring a secret and his tough guy image is just a facade to keep people from finding out the truth about him.

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Fair wabbit

I had loads I could have done today, from mowing grass to doing laundry to riding my bike. I was too tired or lazy to do any of them. I didn't even get dressed but have sat about in my nightdress all day reading Snafu - I'd quite like to do another chapter of that if I can find the energy and I'm quite pleased with some of the earlier chapters.

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OddPOV is gone.

The name Wendy is taken, so I added my middle name on my user ID also. OddPOV is now Wendy Jean. I'm still a very odd person, but I have found I was not as different as I once thought I was. It was lonely thinking you were a pervert that had to hide for over 40 years. I now know I am neither a pervert or alone. I am me, and I am how I was made by God.

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The Family Girl #067: In Remembrance

       
The Family Girl Blogs
(aka "The New Working Girl Blogs")

Blog #67: In Remembrance

To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link:
http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

As many of you know, Holly Hart passed away recently. 40 days ago, to be exact.

I don't really know about others, but among traditional Catholics, we usually hold a requiem mass forty days after a loved one's passing. I was not a relative of Holly's IRL, so I did not think it proper to arrange for such a mass. So all I did was to include Holly's name (both as Holly Logan and Holly Hart) in the list of mass intentions for yesterday's regular service (people can ask a priest to offer a Mass for several reasons, like for example, in thanksgiving, for the intentions of someone else, like a birthday, or for the repose of the soul of someone who has died).

I am not a "real" relative, nor do I think Holly was Catholic, nor particularly religious. I guess this is more for me more than anything, to declare my wishes for her, and to declare my sadness that she's gone.

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I dont make sense?

One of the harder parts of this transition is trying to drown out the negative "voices", basically telling me "you have the body of a male, how can you be a girl? How are you ever going to be sure you're not just fooling yourself?"

Thankfully, the conversations I have had with my mom about how I would slip up and act like a girl even before I got raped are helping me.

Bit by bit, day by day, I think I'm getting better.

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My last post on Big Closet

This will be my last post as OddPOV. I am updating my user name to match my new self, it will be some variation of Wendy. We tell our loved ones we don't change to comfort them with our new selves. The core remains, the soul if you will, but the fact is we do change, a lot. I have.

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