Well, my ex has managed to do something I never thought she'd do - she apparently is using my male name is a a pejorative.
What I mean by that is according to my mom, on Saturday when she took my ex and my daughter shopping for my daughter's upcoming birthday, my ex disparaged the fashion choices of my daughter by saying "don't be like Todd."
I really don't know what to do. I'm angry, I'm hurt, but mostly I'm worried about the message my daughter is getting about me.
Trouble is, there's nothing I can do. I simply don't know what would reach my ex, and not makes things worse.
Think I'm gonna curl up into a ball for a while ...
Comments
Take it as a compliment
Recover the name. If an older woman doesn't share your fashion sense, but a younger one DOES....
Keep your head up!
It sounds easy to say from afar. But, think of it this way when she puts you down like that ask your Mom to tell her this.
I would not question his judgement, after all he married you and helped make this beautiful child. Then watch her face. I know that divorces are hard to take when one side keeps putting the other down. But I also believe both sides should at least put thier issues aside for any kids sake. Take care!
Taken from her point of view ...
We all have our own way of seeing things, and your wife, like most women, has no ability to understand why the man she married suddenly wants to be a woman. To her this is abandonment, and competition.
One thing that women do that men, and trans folk, will never understand is that they remember everything, and can not forget. After having lived this madness for almost 10 years, I can say with some authority that I will never be able to think completely like a woman in spite of the fact that I never thought like a man.
While it may not seem right, you have inflicted a wound on your wife that she will likely never forget, perhaps not even forgive. And her bitterness will be like a dripping faucet.
My only suggestion would be to be the best person you can, and to maintain contact with your daughter if you are able; proving to her that you are a good person. Hope for the best.
My own family, nearly 10 years later, think I am either insane or satan and it leaves me with the choice of either coping with their hate, or to hang myself with a rope until I am dead. I would not advise the latter.
Gwen
Umm...
Not every woman is like that. Not every Transwoman isn't also. Some Transmen are, some aren't and vice versa. It's not good to make generalizations mew. They create boxes for genders that make it hard to break out of IMO.
I'm trans, and I've always been like that. I never forget anything, (except for when I had that horrid amnesia) but even when I was a little girl I always remembered everything and every slight that was done to me and always made me extremely paranoid. Though don't look down on yourself if you aren't that way, not every woman is like that. I know some men who are. It's not really a genetic thing but a "some people are, some people aren't" thing.
@Dorothy: Unfortunately she sounds quite spiteful. I'm not sure what happened (I haven't read all of these sowwy) but you cant let it get you down too much. It's okay to cry though, it's okay to let it out, and ... there's a chance you might lose your daughter. I wont lie to you, being what we are is HARD, horrible things will and have and can happen to you. But if it even makes you the slightest bit happy then it's worth it, at least to me.
I know who I am, I am me, and I like me ^^
Transgender, Gamer, Little, Princess, Therian and proud :D
Heck, Sweeny Todd is famous...
...so there's ample precedent. Now all you have to do is mention your lovely recipe for meat pies and you'll be all set.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sweeney_Todd
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Cheers,
Puddin'
A tender heart is an asset to an editor: it helps us be ruthless in a tactful way.
--- The Chicago Manual of Style
Juxtaposition
Puddin', reading your comment about the Demon Barber, and then seeing your signature line about a tender heart...
the best way is to deflect
Anyone will tell you that if you can... turn an insult into a joke.
Agree with her. She shouldn't be like todd... Todd used to be unhappy and hid from his knowledge of ____ and was so shy he hid from everything. Be like Dot! Be brave and kind and ___!
Dayna.
More or less the same comment
You're getting a lot of pretty much the same advice. It's not that terribly surprising. Divorces are rarely pretty and they often hurt. Your ex is angry and will almost certainly take some of that out by demeaning you. How to deal with it is the question.
Your daughter's important and you don't want her thinking bad of you. My own advice would be to take the high road and don't disparage your wife to her, but certainly try to be as nice to her as you can and set a good example. The down side to this advice is obvious, there's no short term payoff. Your daughter's more likely to absorb her mother's attitude than yours, human nature being what it is. Your hope would be in the longer term, as she grows up, that she lives more by your example than hers.
Sad situation, and I hope you can bear up with it.
Best of luck,
Titania
Lord, what fools these mortals be!
Exactly right
You have your life to live, and it will be as Dorothy. There will be hiccups on the way, but what I always stress to my trainees is a simple thing: keep your eyes on the bigger picture.
You are now who you should have been from birth. End of. Everything else is adjustment.
Mm...
As Titania said, taking the high road is probably the best.
The remark is (unfortunately) a fairly common psychological tactic between partners who aren't getting along. It's an indirect assault, involving a third party (your daughter). It happens a lot in marriages that end, regardless of whether there's a gender transition involved.
I think you have two options. The first being (as Titania said) trying to take the high road and trying to set the best example possible for your daughter. Don't reciprocate the remarks your ex is making. Although that's not likely to have a short term payoff for you unfortunately. You could consider explaining to your daughter that you're sorry your ex feels the way she does, and that you find her remarks upsetting, but don't see a way to diffuse the situation. You want to be very careful you're not inadvertently making your daughter feel responsible though, it's very easy for children to take on too much guilt regarding the end of their parents relationship. It might depend on how old your daughter is (older being better able to process the psychological nuances, younger, not so much).
The second option would be to discuss the issue directly with your ex. Point out that it's unfair to involve your daughter like that, and ask that your ex bring her dissatisfaction with the situation directly to you. Bear in mind that this is potentially an extremely confrontational approach, and I wouldn't attempt it lightly, nor would I to it without making sure you have your support network prepped and ready. While you might be able to clear the air between you and your ex with this approach, you also might sour relations further. If you can afford it, you might consider a couple's therapist to act as a mediator (divorce notwithstanding). You two do still have a mutual, shared interest (your daughter) and do still need to work together some.
I hope the situation works out :(