Autobiographical

I find myself wishing I could go out this Halloween

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I have said here before that for most of my life I hated Halloween. I always felt like I couldnt go out as a girl because I might cause people to wonder about my masculinity, or rather my lack of the same.

But now, for some reason, I find myself wishing I could afford a costume and knew of a good adult Halloween party I could go to. But, lack of money, and lack of somewhere safe I could go means I will be on the sidelines when for the first time I actually want to be the game ...

ah, well.

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Off to ComicFest

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I'm going to spend three days in San Diego, hobnobbing with some of my friends in the comics industry at a small con out in Mission Valley called ComicFest. I'll have WiFi, laptop, phone and tablet so I should be able to get online frequently and check in. Have a swell time. :)

Hugs,
Erin

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Dear Diary-Life's Changes Happen And Now I Know Why

I understand that my body is changing. I did not ask for it to change, it is happening anyways. My testosterone levels have been dropping for about ten years now (I'll be 57 in 2 months) and that is normal. But since my wife died 7 years ago I have not slept well. I usually get 3-5 hrs of sleep, in the past few months it's more like 3-6 hrs. Rarely do I sleep more than 6 hrs. I recently investigated the causes of low testosterone in men and found that age 40+ the levels decrease, this is natural.

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I'm back!

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Well, I was discharged yesterday (Weds 12th), a process that took all afternoon. I'm home and attempting to pick up the pieces of life again.

I'll draw a veil over the hospital experience since a lot of you have been there and done that. I'm just glad I wasn't as badly off as some of the other poor sods on my ward.

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I'm alright...

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Cat scan found no cats, colonoscopy found no punctuation marks, blood test shows lower sugar, eye test shows beginning cataracts but again, sadly no other cats than the two who already own our home. Back brace helps but my day was sponsored by the letter L and the number 7. But.... I know who I am and how much of Andrea remains a vital part of me.... so......

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I am Back, .... And my cat is dieing

Thank to the work of Joyce and Erin of One of the best sites on the Internet.

I have obviously been able to finally after a 1/2 year of not being able to sign-in, sign in again.

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New Novel Update

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As some of you may or may not know, I've been working extremely hard on the next great trans novel. It is a good story, about a middle school teacher and a troubled student with a panache for misbehaving. They butt heads in the beginning of the book until the teacher realizes the kid is harboring a secret and his tough guy image is just a facade to keep people from finding out the truth about him.

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Fair wabbit

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I had loads I could have done today, from mowing grass to doing laundry to riding my bike. I was too tired or lazy to do any of them. I didn't even get dressed but have sat about in my nightdress all day reading Snafu - I'd quite like to do another chapter of that if I can find the energy and I'm quite pleased with some of the earlier chapters.

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OddPOV is gone.

The name Wendy is taken, so I added my middle name on my user ID also. OddPOV is now Wendy Jean. I'm still a very odd person, but I have found I was not as different as I once thought I was. It was lonely thinking you were a pervert that had to hide for over 40 years. I now know I am neither a pervert or alone. I am me, and I am how I was made by God.

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The Family Girl #067: In Remembrance

       
The Family Girl Blogs
(aka "The New Working Girl Blogs")

Blog #67: In Remembrance

To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link:
http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

As many of you know, Holly Hart passed away recently. 40 days ago, to be exact.

I don't really know about others, but among traditional Catholics, we usually hold a requiem mass forty days after a loved one's passing. I was not a relative of Holly's IRL, so I did not think it proper to arrange for such a mass. So all I did was to include Holly's name (both as Holly Logan and Holly Hart) in the list of mass intentions for yesterday's regular service (people can ask a priest to offer a Mass for several reasons, like for example, in thanksgiving, for the intentions of someone else, like a birthday, or for the repose of the soul of someone who has died).

I am not a "real" relative, nor do I think Holly was Catholic, nor particularly religious. I guess this is more for me more than anything, to declare my wishes for her, and to declare my sadness that she's gone.

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I dont make sense?

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One of the harder parts of this transition is trying to drown out the negative "voices", basically telling me "you have the body of a male, how can you be a girl? How are you ever going to be sure you're not just fooling yourself?"

Thankfully, the conversations I have had with my mom about how I would slip up and act like a girl even before I got raped are helping me.

Bit by bit, day by day, I think I'm getting better.

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My last post on Big Closet

This will be my last post as OddPOV. I am updating my user name to match my new self, it will be some variation of Wendy. We tell our loved ones we don't change to comfort them with our new selves. The core remains, the soul if you will, but the fact is we do change, a lot. I have.

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Wheee~ Life rules~

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Welp. my life is going great again. I've moved out. Moved in with my room mate MJ, and we get along great. I'm living full time as a girl everywhere I go. Dad's not holding me back. and I'm moving forward with my life.
I've decided to pursue my writing degree, and try and study abroad in japan, for an added experience in another language. just to help myself understand other parts of the world a little bit better.

So yeah. my life is getting great. Yay me~

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Just a drable

Just a little drable, that takes its birth under my fingers:

Today I feel so lonely,
so lonely I could die,
where are you, where?
I need you, to feel you,
hug me my friend, I miss you.

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The Family Girl #066: Sleepy Girl

The Family Girl Blogs
(aka "The New Working Girl Blogs")

Blog #66: Sleepy Girl

To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl

Blogs, click on this link:
http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

It's about one AM, Saturday here. Moe and I landed in Manila International an hour ago. We got through customs super-fast (compared to DC), and are staying in the passenger lounge until our ride arrives. Manny is extremely late. I called him and he explained that no one told him we were arriving tonight much less the time of our flight's arrival. Hmmm. Someone dropped the ball there. Will investigate on Monday.

Ah well. Manny said he's at least an hour away. That's okay - gives me time to post this.

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A diagnosis!

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I have been given a diagnosis (such as it is ) of vasculitis. The consultant was sufficiently concerned that they wanted to admit me as an in-patient yesterday but there was no bed. I am going in this afternoon, so will be AFK for a few days.

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The Family Girl #065: Flying... Again... Bleah...

The Family Girl Blogs
(aka "The New Working Girl Blogs")

Blog #65: Flying... Again... Bleah...

To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link:
http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Hello, everyone. Just wanted to let you know, I am back in BigCloset now. But I'm going to be flying in a while so haveta keep this short. Again. Moe n I are flying back to Manila - me to get back to my job, n Moe to resume her little enterprise.

I fly so much, I think I should have a stylized red 'S' on my chest. lolz.

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You're probably sick or reading autobiographical works by me

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you might be sick of reading autobiographical stories by me, but I have an idea for at least one more.

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A good meeting with my pastor

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I spent some time talking with my pastor today, talking about being trans, being a survivor of sexual abuse, where I am now, and my desire to find a way to give back to others for all the help I have been given.

A coupe of interesting things came out of it; first, she wanted to re-assure me that from the first time she met me she found I "radiated a feminine energy" so she had no doubt that I am a girl.

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Dear Diary-Life's Changes Happen And Our Choices Are Limited

I have come to a crossroads in my life and have made a decision. It is life altering but it is a decision I must make.

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Rough night

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Okay, so Tuesday night I go to work, and managed to pull a muscle in my leg. It gets bad enough I have to not work Wednesday night, but I came back last night despite limping pretty hard.

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In-Laws, DyFS, and a Whole Mess of Stuff.....

So shit hit the fan today.

Amy's parents basically told her that I don't care for her, that I'm not welcome as Family any more, and that she will probably be cut off from her family if she doesn't leave me.

And by leave me, I mean they gave her a deadline of next saturday (2 days after the amniocentesis).

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We lost a trans sister yesterday

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Yesterday I found out on facebook that another trans woman had committed suicide, after I sent my prayers for her family and friends, all I could think of was "That could have been me." See, I'm in the 41 percent of trans people who have made an attempt on their own life, and it can only be described as a miracle that I am still here.

And that would suck, because then I would have missed out on all the amazing things that have started to happen since I started transitioning, and I would have caused grief and pain to the people I love for no good reason.

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Fuck. My. Life.

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Fuck this shit. Fuck it all up. Fuck it out of the park, out of my life, into deepest darkest space beyond the reach of telescopes. Fuck it into the past, fuck it out of all recognition, break it, twist it, mangle it until there is no resemblance to its original state. Fuck it past its original state, into the primordial pre-fuckery that spawned it.

I am fed up. I just want someone to sort me out, because it is becoming painfully obvious I am incapable of doing it myself.

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO!

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Another poem from Kylie

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Here is another poem from Kylie:

I could say I love you as much as the sun is bright
But it is much too dim

I could say I love you as much as the winter is cold
But is much too warm

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Well.....that happened

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So a few things have happened over the last few days that I have found.....unbelievable in my mind. And being unable to physically voice them just puts the nail in the coffin, so to speak.

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A (possibly) TG-related memory

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When Dorothy wrote about a recently-resurfaced memory of hers, in which she shows off a dress to her mother, I assumed I had nothing that was even remotely comparable from my own childhood. Now I'm not so sure.

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Had a strange day yesterday

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So as you may remember, I got a new job at the end of July and started on the 30th of that month. Well about 2 weeks ago, they told us that we had to do an orientation thing, where they could tell us all about our job, show us where everything is and stuff like that. Like I haven't learned where all the stuff I need is at after a month there.

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A horizon just out of reach

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Hi, my darling readers!

Due to various non-bad reasons (me having been switched to another schedule at work, taking extra classes after that, and family, and so on) I'm getting dreadfully behind on my writing.

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Speed Bump

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For about the past three weeks, or perhaps a little longer, I've had a mild sore throat. Symptoms: slight discomfort there, perpetual taste of old milk, intestinal bloating on account of the gunge draining down, resulting nausea and so on.

Last week I decided it had gone on long enough and went to the doctor. Cue loads of tests and a completely unexpected finding.

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059) OMG!!! Abi's Got A Say What!?

So... I might just be getting a boyfriend soon...

I know! I can't believe it!

Anyways... He doesn't... At least, probably not... know about my past yet.

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