The last couple of days have given me a chance to practice my social skills, and that's a good thing. First, I went to see the new "Star Trek" movie with one of my co-workers and a friend of hers, and that went fine, and then today I got put in charge of the coffee pot for the little coffee-and-snack thing we do after service, and as we had a group of visitors, that was interesting. It also went very well, and doing well in these kinds of situations is great, especially since that before this, my tendencies would have been to either act like a buffoon, or retreat into a corner.

Good Evening All!!

I am hastily moving towards RLT. I've a house, two gay yardboys, and family in the area. Woo Hoo!!!

Well, I saw my endo doc yesterday, and things are going in the right direction. My testosterone levels have dropped from almost 20 to 10.5. Still got a ways to go, they want my levels down to normal female range, which is 2-3. So they have increased my estrogen to 5 pumps per day, and recommended that rather than putting it on one spot, I put each pump onto a different spot to help make sure it absorbs properly.

Still, I'm making progress, and that's a good thing.

Friends,

well, after church today, the Affirm group met to discuss the upcoming Pride week, and one of the things that will take place is a special lunch on Sunday after the service, followed by a guest speaker. During this conversasion, my poem "Dear God" got mentioned, and in the end they would like me to read it aloud at this lunch.

I cant remember the last time I spoke in front of people, so this could be interesting on that front, but I'm incredably humbled to be asked.

It will be on June 9th, and I'm hoping someone can film it so I can make a link afterward.

I got a package from the clinic where, God willing, I will be getting my SRS done. While I could spend my time wishing and dreaming about the day I'm post-op, I've decided to take another approach. I'm going to enjoy the now, be grateful for what I have, and try my best to keep looking on the bright side of things. I will probably slip once in a while, and sometimes, I will suffer from depression or PTSD attacks, but I'm really going to do my best to keep my head up.

Wish me luck, okay?

I'm sure that some non-trans woman reading this blog will sniff and say I'm getting my girl card punched way too easily. I mean, there are a few things cisgendered girls go through I will never deal with. The most obvious example is periods - I will never know the "joy" of bleeding, of feeling bloated, cramped, and so on that accompanies having a monthly cycle. I'm sure said woman can add other things as well, but before she gets too carried away with herself, there are a couple of things I have gone through most cisgendered women never would.

My name is Wendy Jean M. It was William (Bill) M, and in the eyes of the government it still is. This will be corrected soon enough. I am 56 years old, and am transitioning from male to female (MtF).

Those of you who know me are already aware of the killer depression (literally) I went through. If not for the love of family, whom I love more than myself, I would be gone now. I’ve beat the depression, though traces still remain.

Well, yesterday I mentioned that wearing a skirt felt so good I could feel my blood pressure drop, and it turns out that wasnt a figurative statement. I went to get my estrogen prescription refilled and used the blood pressure machine while I waited, and my blood pressure was 109/88 - a significant drop from before where I was hovering around the danger zone.

too bad I cant wear skirts all the time, but ah, well.

Sorry for my recent absence folks. It seems whenever things start to get better they get worse. 2 weeks ago my laptop finally decided to call it quits leaving me unable to do much writing or posting. Add to that another death of someone close to me and I've been in a bad way.

Where did she go? She's still here, just not on as much.

Remember in Men in Black when the guys are talking about where a space ship could be hidden and J is trying to get their attention, he Yells Old Guys. Since today is another birthday, how do I change my log in to something similar to Old Guy

After getting a letter from my psychiatrist last week I did a bigger step today:

As always, the "why" quest occupies a lot of my time. It is funner than suicide. :)

This morning I have been more calmly reading about certain diagnosisies, among them PTSD and BPD, because I have both. It is astonishing that while many of us think that it takes Military combat to get PTSD, the actual facts are that one can get it from a bad car accident, or an abusive traumatic childhood.

As far as BPD is concerned, this was a bitter pill to swallow, but it now seems much easier to deal with and I am now recognizing its effect in my life.

My church made me cry today. They said they were going to hand out a small present to all the WOMEN in attendance, and gave out carnations.

Guess who got one?

Me.

I wept.

What if you really fit neither mold?
Is there room for those who just don't fit?
Do others feel this way?

I dont know when it started, but I found myself thinking about Kylie while I'm at work. I can picture her face, hear her voice, remember things we've said to each other, and its .... Oh lord, I am in loooooove ....

Ever want something, almost crave it and have no idea why?

It has been some time since I posted my last blog entry...

Two weeks ago I found the hair style I can use to let my real self be seen till my own hair will be long enough:

I am not happy with what happened today, no I am not happy at all. I feel as if I am a fraud or a hypocrite.

With that opening line, maybe some information would be helpful.

I saw this article today, and wonder if she is one of us.(What I intended to say was, is she on this site?) The article says that she and her family stayed together. Was it because she was honest and straightforward in sharing with her wife? Perhaps her wife is the most remarkable person we have never met.

My own experience in coming out was like WWIII, and left utterly total destruction in its path. Every single day I have to decide not to take my life, today.

Still haven't seen any improvement, but my cat has shown a lot of spunk. Last night when I opened the door to go for work, she dragged herself outside while I wasn't watching. It is horrendously sad to see. She hasn't went potty for 2 days now, but is at least eating and drinking. I guess the best thing is things haven't gotten worst but I am so scared. I cried over her for an hour. I just don't know what to do and I can't fix it and that makes me feel useless and worthless.

I was reading Gwen's post about being horny post-op, and it seems like ironic timing. This afternoon I woke up rather ... randy myself, but unfortunately I dont have the right equipment to Jill off, and touching the stuff I got is like ... ick.

Ah, well.