Autobiographical

I am in loooooove .....

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I dont know when it started, but I found myself thinking about Kylie while I'm at work. I can picture her face, hear her voice, remember things we've said to each other, and its .... Oh lord, I am in loooooove ....

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2 steps forward

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2 big moments happened in the last couple of days. First, on Saturday night one of my co-workers asked if I wanted to go with a group from work to the new Star Trek movie when it comes out. This is a big deal, because its the first social event I've ever been invited to as Dorothy.

The other moment happened today. As part of prep for a possible move, I took the last of my male clothes to a local charity, and it felt like the last goodbye to Todd, which is about time, I think.

Both good steps forward, dont you think?

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055) In Search of 17-beta-HSD-3 Blockers OR Life's Easy When

As many of you are probably aware I've doing HRT DIY-style.

I've gotten my dosages and scheduling and everything pretty well perfected except for ONE THING. One of my three T blockers is making me tired all the time.

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Maybe this life is not for me

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I am not happy with what happened today, no I am not happy at all. I feel as if I am a fraud or a hypocrite.

With that opening line, maybe some information would be helpful.

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Cat watch: Day 3

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Very little change. Had a slight moment of hope this morning when cat tried to lift it's back leg to scratch ears but hasn't done it since. Still fights getting the medicine (liquid in a syringe so if anyone has any idea how to do this better PLEASE HELP). She did go to the bathroom... she pooped in my bed (I'm not mad) and she's peed on herself a few times. I am going to get baby wipes because I can't keep on giving her a bath. I don't think she has any feeling in her hind quarters, didn't even protest to getting wet.

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Is she one of us? (What I meant) Edited

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I saw this article today, and wonder if she is one of us.(What I intended to say was, is she on this site?) The article says that she and her family stayed together. Was it because she was honest and straightforward in sharing with her wife? Perhaps her wife is the most remarkable person we have never met.

My own experience in coming out was like WWIII, and left utterly total destruction in its path. Every single day I have to decide not to take my life, today.

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Cat watch: Day 2

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Still haven't seen any improvement, but my cat has shown a lot of spunk. Last night when I opened the door to go for work, she dragged herself outside while I wasn't watching. It is horrendously sad to see. She hasn't went potty for 2 days now, but is at least eating and drinking. I guess the best thing is things haven't gotten worst but I am so scared. I cried over her for an hour. I just don't know what to do and I can't fix it and that makes me feel useless and worthless.

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Sad and Crying

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I took my cat Madeline to the vet today. She was such a good cat. I had her in a little pink basket that I put a pillow down in and she just laid there, occasionally rubbing her cheek against me. At first you could tell she was very scared, but she didn't put up any fuss and we waited for 2 hours to see the vet.

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being pre-op and horny

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I was reading Gwen's post about being horny post-op, and it seems like ironic timing. This afternoon I woke up rather ... randy myself, but unfortunately I dont have the right equipment to Jill off, and touching the stuff I got is like ... ick.

Ah, well.

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my poor cat

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My poor cat Madeline. Over the past week she has gotten worse. It started with a reluctance to jump and moved to a limp. It is now where she can't move her rear legs. I'm at the vet and very worried. I love my cats but money is tight.i shelled out to fix the van so savings is down. If you pray, please pray for my kitty

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Post ops only please. Do you ever get horny?

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Post ops, do you ever get horny? I know this is an indelicate subject and since I say I am so religious, you probably find my question unthinkable. It’s approaching 8 years since I had any Testosterone in my blood. The Endocrinologist confirmed last week that my T levels are not measureable.

My E levels are around 50.

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3/4 of the way through "She's not there"

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I'm about 3/4 of the way through "She's not there", and its a tough bit to read. I mean, the early stuff, the early struggle with identity, the fight against oneself, the hope that falling in love would cure oneself, finding a partner and building a life only to realize that it didnt take the urge to be a woman away; all this is stuff I can really relate to. But this is the part where she's just about to have the surgery, and from here on, its going to be territory with which I have no link to, and might never know. But I'll grit my teeth and get through it.

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A Little Princess

If anyone happens to be in the Northern California region, come and see our production of a new musical theater adaptation of Francis Hodgson Burnett's "A Little Princess" at the Sacramento Theatre Company (in Sacramento, CA... if that weren't obvious). It's a wonderful story about never giving up on your dreams, about imagination and curiosity and understanding other people even if you don't agree with their choices. On top of that, it's a beautiful production with gorgeous music.

If you need more details on how to get tickets or find the theater, PM me.

Kristin Darken

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Computer issues

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Well, ever since I moved it has been a battle to get sufficient signal to get on line. I have been using the Hot Spot on my phone but that gets expensive and I worry that the phone will melt. :) The house has "Clear" and my wifi works very spotilly. So, today I bought 50' of CAT 5 cable, measured 40', bought 50' and should have bought 60'. Sigh. I wish I had asked one of the men to do it but noooo miss independence had to get blisters, and sore knees of her own. Somebody spank the girl!

When I send this I will install the cable ends and hope that improves things. Wish me luck.

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not gonna be my best day today

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Today is not going to be a good day for me. I have an endocrinology appointment at 11 so I'm going to get next to no sleep, I forgot about the blood test I was supposed to have done before the appointment and need the results asap, and generally, I feel like a dope for forgetting about this.

Ah, well.

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"How should one address a Dorothy?"

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Had an interesting conversation with my store's HR person last night, and she mentioned that when it was announced I was coming to the store, a few people came to her unsure how to address me as my trans status was known to them. She said "Well, her name is Dorothy. How would you address someone named Dorothy?"

The person said they should use female pronouns.

The HR lady said, "then do that for this Dorothy. If there's a problem, I'm sure she'll say something."

Gee, when you put it like that, it sounds so easy ....

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The Family Girl #057: It's Half Full!

                
The Family Girl Blogs
(aka "The New Working Girl Blogs")

Blog #57: It's Half Full!

To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link:
http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

It is disheartening at times (lately it's almost all the time), to be reading tales of woe and hardship, of depression and sadness, here in my favorite site. I suppose our community has more than its share of hardship stories. More than other equivalent communities, I'm sure. I can understand that. I've been there, too, after all. But, even so, I wish there were more positive posts. Goodness knows I try to be positive in my blogs as often as I can, if just to provide a contrast to what is apparently the norm now here in the Blogs section of BCTS.

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The Family Girl #056: Jealous Girl

                   
The Family Girl Blogs
(aka "The New Working Girl Blogs")

Blog #56: Jealous Girl

To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link:
http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Oftentimes I find myself jealous of others, for a myriad of things. I suppose girls with similar... "problems" as mine do, too. When life has given you lemons, and you don't know about lemonade... I am a regular Jealous Girl. At least some of the time.

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return of face pain

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well, my cluster headaches have returned. See, just before I started transitioning, I started getting these mysterious pains in my face, centered on just below my right eye. Eventually they found out that they were "cluster headaches", sort of like migraines but different spot, and that they were stress-related.

They went away when I started my transition, probably because I took a serious part of my stress off my plate by living authentically, but I guess it was too much to hope for that they wouldn't ever come back.

Ah, well

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Transition firsts and reliefs/My story.

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I got to wondering, the other day, what were the milestones in my transition and, for that matter, what were those of some of you.

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being scared of success

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As my life seems to be heading in a positive direction, I face a strange fear - a fear of success. I think its basically, that any situation you're in, if you're in it long enough, starts to feel like "home", and leaving "home" becomes scary, even if "home" is something horrible. So the idea of actually being a successful adult is kinda scary for me.

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My boss thinks I could be promoted someday?

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well, last night, I was being left in charge of "zoning", which basically means making sure the shelves are clean, neat, and that the product is as close to the lip as possible. While this was going on, my supervisor told me that the reason why she was pushing me hard on getting it perfect was because she believes I have the potential to move up into a supervisor's role, should I wish to make that a goal. So I told her my long term plan would include me doing a less physical job, and she said she would talk to people and see about getting the ball rolling for me toward that end.

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Don't know what's changing in me...

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This is ... interesting for me to post, and a bit difficult. I don't share a lot of my personal life except with those close to me. However, this is a forum that would probably have more information, so I've reluctantly decided to post and ask for answers.

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been thinking about my brother

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Been thinking about my brother a lot the last couple of days. Because I'm the kind of person I am, I can put myself in his shoes a bit, and I dont look good from that angle. I mean, he pretty much had to take over for my father and look after me at an impossibly young age, he did his best by me, and then after I got married and he probably hoped things were on their way up, I went and failed to pay my mortgage, leaving him hurt and having to clean up my mess.

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Because it needs to be said

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Because it needs to be said:

To all the people who take the time to read this little blog, and especially those who take the time to comment, thank you.

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The Family Girl #054: To Wear A Bra...

The Family Girl Blogs
(aka "The New Working Girl Blogs")

Blog #54: To Wear A Bra Or Not To Wear A Bra -
That is the question...

To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link:
http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

I read a blog here in BC posted just little while ago, and it caught my eye. I mean, how can it not, with a title like, "Women Better Without Bras." Right? And you don't have to be a boy for a blog like this to pique your interest. Prurient male curiosity aside, women would be interested in the blog, too. (See the post http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/43836/french-study-women-..., by MITTFH)

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a news story hit me hard

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I happened to catch on the radio the story of Rehtaeh Parsons, a young woman in Nova Scotia who was raped and had pictures of her rape shown around her school, and how she has committed suicide.

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Latest News.

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Went to the specialist today. He is going to implant the defibulator at the beginning of May. Good news is it needs only one wire. It will be a one day surgery at least. My infarction rate is about 20% and is not up to where they would be happy.

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a good meeting with my pastor

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Had a nice meeting with my pastor yesterday. After talking for about an hour, she said she wanted me to hang onto 3 things:

First, surviving what I went through as a child shows that I'm strong,

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I make my girlfriend blush

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I was talking with Kylie today, and she mentioned that she talks about me with just about everyone she knows - her therapist, her floor monitor, her friends - and when she does, she blushes. I find this idea, that the thought of me making someone blush to be hard to wrap my head around. But there you have it. Neat, no?

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I dont handle stress well

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It probably doesnt come as a shock to anybody who reads this blog that I dont handle stress terribly well. Most of the time, between having gender issues, PTSD, and bunch of other letters that basically mean I'm broken, my plate is full, andthey are as much as I can handle.

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I wish I was a better writer

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Sometimes, I wish I was a better writer. I have good ideas, but not as good at getting them out. For example, I made a series of stories about an organization called "Vision Spring", that appears to the outside world to be a charity that helps Gay, lesbian and trans people, but is in fact a group of people who have magical control over one of the traditional elements - Earth, Water, Fire, Nature, Light, Darkness, and the Air.

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The Family Girl #053: A Summer Girl's Four Epiphanies

The Family Girl Blogs
(aka "The New Working Girl Blogs")

Blog #53: A Summer Girl's Four Epiphanies

To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link:
http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Ma said during our last skype call a few days ago that it's forty-five degrees back home. Living in Manila for a while now, I am now more used to using Centigrade when measuring temperature, as opposed to Fahrenheit, and using kilometers instead of miles when measuring distance. So when she said forty-five degrees, I used my iPad and came up with 7.2 Centigrade. I told her it was 95 degrees here (which is 35 in centigrade-speak). It's so friggin' hot here! What I wouldn't give for a forty-five degree day.

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Its becoming harder to have male parts

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It seems like the more comfortable with myself as a girl I become, the harder it is to have male bits. Last night my parts moved a bit, and I had to fight back tears, and I also had to fight off the urge to take my box-cutter knife to them ....

Ah, well.

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say what now?

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Well, last night, my supervisor came by and told me she wanted me to motivate my fellow workers in finishing as fast as possible. I giggled, but she said she was serious, she wanted me to do this. I asked her, "Why me?"

She said, "Because I like you."

Well, what the heck could I say to that?

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