Well, last night I had a bit of a breakdown/breakthrough. I was talking with Jaci (Big surprise, I'm always talking with Jaci, or Kylie, or Ruth ....) and I asked her if she thought I was a fragile as she had told my mom I am, that if I dont move forward toward SRS something really bad would happen to me. She said, "you've had several breakdowns talking to me on the phone, and they are getting worse. The last couple it took both me and Ruth to get you stable again. So yes, I think you're that fragile."

So I took a hard look inside myself, and realized I had been orbiting around the issue, being pulled in by my desire and pushed away by my fear, but this "truce" is far from stable, and I could really be in trouble if I let things drift too long.

I just dont know what to do about it in the short term. I cant magically lose the weight I need to overnight, I cant will into being the money it will take to change my name .... Its not that those things cant happen, but they require patience, persistence, time, and effort, and so far in my life I haven't been known for those qualities.

Then there are my other issues - my PTSD which is profoundly wrapped up in my gender identity, my inability to focus for long stretches, my roller-coaster moods ..... excetera and so on ......

I guess the only thing I can do right now is do what I can with today, and hope that after a number of "doing what I can" days, I'll see some movement.

Ah, well.