Well, last night I had a bit of a breakdown/breakthrough. I was talking with Jaci (Big surprise, I'm always talking with Jaci, or Kylie, or Ruth ....) and I asked her if she thought I was a fragile as she had told my mom I am, that if I dont move forward toward SRS something really bad would happen to me. She said, "you've had several breakdowns talking to me on the phone, and they are getting worse. The last couple it took both me and Ruth to get you stable again. So yes, I think you're that fragile."
So I took a hard look inside myself, and realized I had been orbiting around the issue, being pulled in by my desire and pushed away by my fear, but this "truce" is far from stable, and I could really be in trouble if I let things drift too long.
I just dont know what to do about it in the short term. I cant magically lose the weight I need to overnight, I cant will into being the money it will take to change my name .... Its not that those things cant happen, but they require patience, persistence, time, and effort, and so far in my life I haven't been known for those qualities.
Then there are my other issues - my PTSD which is profoundly wrapped up in my gender identity, my inability to focus for long stretches, my roller-coaster moods ..... excetera and so on ......
I guess the only thing I can do right now is do what I can with today, and hope that after a number of "doing what I can" days, I'll see some movement.
Ah, well.
Comments
Here's the answer
Matthew Chapter 6
34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
Katie Leone (Katie-Leone.com)
Writing is what you do when you put pen to paper, being an author is what you do when you bring words to life
Service !
I'm speaking from my own experince here. We get depressed, and think about how we hurt and that makes us more depressed, and we think about ourself more. It is a nasty circle. I know this about myself. I also know that psych drugs just make me worse.
Go find a place to volunteer, and while you are there, don't talk about yourself. Here in the states, we have Salvation Army, Good Will, any number of soup kitchens, old folks homes, hospitals, if nothing else get a garbage bag and go out and pick up trash.
I volunteer at a free food warehouse because I have to get outside myself, not because I am so good.
G
opinions
while I am not as eloquent in writing things as others here ; I can only offer you what my father told me years ago.....Try living each day as if it were your last on this earth, enjoy what you see and hear around you ,and when the day is over ,Thank God for the gifts you received and try to be a better person for all you have gotten.... Life is very short and oh so fragile...enjoy it as you are able to .......