As some of you might know, I am in the longest and most committed relationship of my life. Felix and I have been going for almost a year and 3 months. He says that he loves me.

And that is where the problem is.

See, he says that he loves me and I really don't have any reason to doubt him, but I don't think I can reciprocate that love. It's not that I don't want to, but I think I am incapable.

There are a few theories that I have on this. First off, I don't even love myself. It is hard to love another person when you don't even love yourself. Any affection that I have for myself is usually performance based. If I get a good review or get a lot of kudos on a book or have some decent comments, I feel I have value. When I don't get any praise for my efforts I feel worthless. It's not a healthy place to be. Part of me feels that the reason I don't get praise is because people genuinely don't like me. I can understand that, I'm an arrogant asshole who thinks he is better than he really is. I think that is where Katie comes in. Katie is my attempt to be someone I'm not.

That's not entirely true. Katie is kind of the flip side of me. The part of me that I keep hidden. But she too was unloved, even more than the male facade because she was kept hidden for so long. But, on the plus side, at least she wasn't ever outright hated (except for a few bozos who don't really count).

So any love I give myself is performance based. That's where we left off. It's not just on stories or sales, that's just the latest measuring stick. I did the same thing when I was a wrestler. Win and be loved, lose and be hated. It wasn't that extreme, but I definitely had to win more than lose, try my hardest, and be entertaining along the way.

Now I have Felix in my life. He says he loves me and I really want to love him back. But love is an emotion I don't know how to display. I don't even know what it feels like. I never felt it growing up, so I have no clue if he is in love or if I'm a convenience he doesn't want to lose.

I've tried to chase him away a few times. I've told him I don't think this relationship is going to work, but he says I am worth the struggle. That's new. See, growing up I wasn't a person, I was a weapon. I was a weapon to hurt other people but one thing people don't realize about swords; every time they inflict pain, they get damaged also. I think I'm damaged to the point of being useless.

So, I choose to rant, or whine, or whatever anyone wants to call this. I think it's just airing things out just so I see how stupid it is. But when a person is 39 how do they learn something they were supposed to learn as an infant. That's why I used to write all that age regression stuff, I wanted to learn and feel the things that I didn't learn and feel the first time. Now I write other stuff. Probably not as good, but honest about life. No one wants honesty, they want fantasy, but I'm living in the real world.

Have a good day.