In all my years of living full-time in my chosen gender, the biggest frustration was probably my voice. While not exactly basso profundo, it still gave off a definite "male" signal to others in the earliest years. Yet, paradoxically, I can remember being called "ma'am" on the phone on many occasions pre-transition. (The answer, I realized many years later, was that my telephone voice had a certain lilt that read as female to those on the other end, but I didn't know about modulation at the time. So it was a complete mystery to me).
Before transition, Rachel did have a way of coming out at the most inconvenient of times, usually in the voice. I used to work for a cartooning school--now sadly defunct--as an instructor back in the early nineties, and once took part in a TV news segment being done about the school.
The reporter picked me to make the closing remark, so I said, "Doodlers and class clowns of the world, you are not weirdos, you are probably artists. So come to us...." Problem is, what the entire city heard was, "Doodlersss and classs clownsss of the world, you are not weirdosss, you are probably artisssts. Sssso come to usss...." One could almost hear Dom DeLuise's director character from "Blazing Saddles" retort, "Sounds like steam escaping!"
I had the sibilant "s" to beat all sibilant "s"'s! Watching the tape back home, I said, "Oh dear God--I sound like either a flaming gay stereotype, or a woman! And nobody noticed??" (At least, that's what I hoped....) I had the sudden urge to crawl under my chair.
But when I started transition, my voice still came off as too deep to me, sibilant "s" or no, so I took steps to work on the pitch. A speech therapist I went to in order to correct a stammer (at least, that's what I told her) told me that my normal speaking voice was about 170 Hz, which is roughly at the line between male and female. This was in 1999, and my voice pretty much remained at that pitch for most of my transition. I'd pretty much resigned myself to the notion that was the best I could do. That is, until about five months ago.
I talk about what I did in a little video I put up on DivShare (and if you want to see it, PM me and I'll give you the link. Still kind of paranoid about search engines picking something like that up). But looking at it now, I wasn't very clear about what I did. So allow me to clarify:
One night this past summer, I was doing what I always do--talking to myself (which I prefer to think of as "thinking out loud".) =) Anyway, as I'm talking, I suddenly drop something, and bend down to pick it up, still talking. (OK, I like to talk--so sue me).
I noticed a weird thing--when I bent forward, it constricted my stomach and throat to such a degree that I sounded kind of helium-voiced. At about the same time, I swallowed--hard. When I resumed speaking I found I was suddenly about half an octave higher in pitch. (Which coincidentally is the difference, according to Melanie Anne Phillips, between the male and female vocal range.)
On a hunch I softened the higher voice somewhat, and relaxed the throat gradually to bring just a bit of the lower register in, and was so stunned I nearly dropped the item I'd just picked up. What I heard was a woman's voice.
Immediately, I rushed to my pocket tape recorder and spoke into it, because I needed to be sure. Tape and digital recordings tend to make my voice sound lower than it actually is--but not this time. That beautiful feminine voice came through like a charm, and what's more, didn't even sound like it could have come from me.
The next day, however, I found upon waking that I couldn't quite get it to the exact pitch as before, but it didn't exactly go back down into the old register, either. I've since measured my average pitch at about 190-200 Hz on a good day, assuming the reading is correct. So at least progress was made. Just goes to show it can pay to talk to yourself....
While we're on the subject, there's one subject that's always puzzled me, but I've been afraid to ask up to now because it seemed silly:
Is it possible for a MTF transperson to cough, sneeze, and even yell or scream in a realistically female pitch?
I've got a sneeze that can blow the roof off the place. It can blow my 340-lb. wheelchair back ten feet with the battery power off. People at weather stations in the Antarctic look at each other and say, "What the hell was that?"
Well, maybe not. But when I let one loose at the library, I might as well yell out, "Here comes a guy sneeze, folks!" Nothing gets me read faster. The same is true if I cough or yell in fright. Once I put volume--extreme volume--behind my voice the pitch goes down. Way down.
It's all the worse considering I have sinus allergies. So this happens uncomfortably often. Seriously, is there anything that can be done other than a closepin on the nose?
Before I close, I have only one more thing to say about my near-nuclear meltdown a few days ago. The worst of it has passed--and with any luck there won't be another one.
EDIT: I suppose it wouldn't hurt for the time being to post the link to the video here. So here it is, folks....
http://www.divshare.com/download/20723022-9e7
Comments
Is it possible?
Sure, but the screaming part is more difficult because when one starts screaming the vocal cords lose flexibility and consequently ones' voice will drop in pitch. It is also harder to intone when one is screaming. Yelling causes similar difficulties but the goal there is to support the voice from the diaphragm by using the diaphragm as the 'power house' that pushes the voice out. Your upper vocal apparatus should only shape the sound that comes out and not provide the air to power it, that job belongs to the diaphragm.
Being able to speak unconsciously requires that the muscles in the throat be rigorously trained to always, even unconscious ( hey try talking in your sleep properly, eh? ) one speaks properly. No flipping back and forth and no backsliding is the only way. Once one is sure one can maintain a pitch effortlessly and instinctively then one has the confidence to shout and sing and scream if necessary with far higher confidence.
This is what has been in my experience.
Kim
I've noticed one curious thing...
...when around my friends. My voice tends to drop in pitch somewhat when I'm talking to my personal-care aides in the morning. With strangers or mere acquaintances it doesn't, but with close friends it does. It's a very curious thing. I practice with it every day, yet it's as if I lose the voice when the aide comes into the room. I can't figure that for the life of me.
Livin' A Ragtime Life,
Rachel
:(
I'm heavy than your wheelchair by a whole person and I need to lose 3 of me to even have a shot at talking like a girl. Although, my therapist says I have most of the mannerisms, and that comes naturally.
Katie Leone (Katie-Leone.com)
Writing is what you do when you put pen to paper, being an author is what you do when you bring words to life
We all have things we dislike about ourselves, I suppose...
For me, it's my acne scars and my spinal curvature, neither of which can be corrected surgically at this point. (More because of cost in the latter case).
I'm not so sure your weight would be a factor--back when I used crutches to get around, I doubt very much I could have managed a voice anything like I have now, and I weighed 145 pounds then. (I currently weigh 188 when I'd like to be 148--not as heavy as you, but getting the weight off is every bit as frustrating and difficult).
You have a tendency to sell yourself short, you know that?
Livin' A Ragtime Life,
Rachel
The voice was fine
It's when you relax it drops, so it's just practice, practice, practice.
As for shouting and singing that would strain the vocal cords anyway.
I sneeze like a woman anyway and coughing makes the throat sore so voices drop.
You're doing okay, stop worrying, none of us are perfect and those who think they are have real problems!
Angharad
Rachel, Isabel Sanford
Rachel, Isabel Sanford http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isabel_Sanford who played Louise Jefferson http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Louise_Jefferson on the sitcom The Jeffersons http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Jeffersons has a deep voice. Please don't worry.
May Your Light Forever Shine
A few thoughts about voice...
Sigh. Among my various medical problems are assorted respiratory ones. Or in other words, I cough and I sneeze -- a lot. I also occasionally need to project my voice quite loudly, at work... and there was an ugly episode in my earlier life where I absolutely *needed* to scream (someone was attempting to murder me, and I needed to attract attention), but I did not know how to do it at the time. Finally I was forced to "yell" for help in a very male way... which I personally found deeply disturbing to my own mental self-image, as well as creating a few problems for myself at the time. Which is to say... I was once really strongly motivated towards solving that particular problem of knowing how to "scream like a girl", too...
Shrug. "Practice makes perfect". For a while, I regarded my constant coughing as an opportunity to work on my voice... or at least, I did years ago. These days I can't say as I really give it much thought -- which is how it should be. More, it is how it *must* be, if you really want to make progress.
Pitch is arguably not the most important aspect of the many things that make someone identify a voice as "male" or "female"... but it is one clue, so it does not hurt to work on it. And with things like coughing and sneezing, having worked on your pitch *does* make a difference. [Angharad has a bit of a point about sore throats causing voices to drop -- it is not that unusual to hear a woman coughing with a pitch similar to a male, although not all women's voices do that. But... as someone who used to work in a hospital, where I heard a lot of people coughing... there are still subtle gender differences in even "deep pitched, rough voice" coughing -- so if you want to work on this aspect of your voice, I won't say it isn't necessary. Shrug. How could I, when in fact I have probably spent a total of many thousands of hours working on it myself, over the years?]
As you noted, the difference in pitch between a male and female voice is typically about half an octave... and as you may be aware although you didn't mention it, the average person has a voice that covers about three octaves. [More than double that, for those with exceptional voices]. Learning to stop using the bottom half octave of your range is entirely possible... but *maintaining* that voice is also important. By which I mean, you really need to "self-identify" with yourself as "naturally" speaking that "new" way, so that you *stay* speaking that way -- no matter what is going on around you.
Shrug. Think of the following scenario... which is not all that uncommon with those who have not mastered their voice. You practice long and hard, over months (or years) in private... slowly learning to speak "occasionally" in a "feminine way". But deep down inside, you *know* that isn't your *real* voice, right? *Know* that it is just your "gay voice"... an affectation that you use to "hide" behind -- so that people won't figure out who (or what) you *really* are. Right?
Wrong.
You need to truly accept psychologically, in your own deep subconcious mind, that you are a woman -- not a man in drag. That your voice naturally *should* sound that high... that "feminine". That whenever you hear yourself speak in the "old way"... that it is a birth defect, a speech impediment that you *should* feel uncomfortable hearing. *Not* how you should sound, but an anomally... as if you started to speak but there was something in your throat distorting your voice, so you "automatically" clear your throat and try again. Something that you really, really *want* to get rid of... so that you can speak "properly". Like any other woman your age.
Smile. And yes, I do know how silly all that sounds, written that way... but I wrote it that way deliberately, as it is a mental game you *should* be playing with your own mind. Why? Well, let's consider that scenario again. A TG who has worked on their voice... got it almost perfect... but considers it their "gay voice". Not their *real* voice... but an affectation. So... while focused on their own voice, it all comes out nicely. But when they are thinking about something else -- say a work related problem, during a presentation during a staff meeting -- their voice falls apart. They stop *consciously* controlling their voice while thinking about something else... and their subconscious mind says, "this doesn't sound right -- there is something odd happening to our voice. Better fix that..." -- and they start speaking the "old way", again. Not so good.
Which is where the mind games come in... as it is important to not just learn *how* to control your voice, but also to convince your own subconscious mind that the "new way" is the "right way". The default way... that when your conscious mind is elsewhere, your subconscious mind *should* be "correcting" things so that it *stays* female sounding, and does not revert to "old habits".
Shrug. Once you do that... once you truly *own* your new voice, totally accepting that it is the way you *should* sound, even in the privacy of your own mind (your internal "mental voice")... it makes a whole lot of things easier. Including coughing... sneezing... and screaming.
Years ago, I happened to know a couple FtM guys, and was on fairly good terms with them. About the same time, I had mostly mastered my own voice... including coughing and sneezing... but I was still unable to "scream like a girl", and was starting to wonder if it was even possible. So one evening I flat out asked those guys (who were on FtM HRT, and whose vocal cords and voice boxes had altered under the effects of testosterone shots such that they now had "natural" male voices) if they could still scream "like a girl", or if the changes in their voices meant they could no longer do it. Fortunately, the guys in question liked me... so even though they didn't really like acting "girly", they agreed to try. The result? They found it was entirely possible for their new "male" vocal equipment to reach the same notes as they once did, when they were younger. Well, almost. They noticed a tiny bit of loss of range at the very top... but not enough to matter. It was a lot harder to do than they remembered it... and they had to really focus on remembering exactly how they used to make that sound... but with a bit of effort, they *could* do it still.
That is important, as FtM's do not really need to learn to speak like "guys" -- once they start taking Testosterone, their voices change in much the same way that any male's voice changes, during puberty. Their vocal cords and voice boxes physically change, becoming (irreversibly) male... so if they could do it, I knew I could. It was just a matter of figuring out how... and then a lot of practice, so that making such sounds became "natural" to me.
As for the details of exactly how... well, there are many ways of achieving that -- what works for me may not work for you. And truthfully... it has been enough years since I really thought about all this that I may not really remember every thing that I do. It is mostly just something that evolved over the years. I coughed... and found myself thinking, "that doesn't sound right". So the next time I coughed (or while continuing to cough, since I often have bouts that last five or ten minutes...), I simply experimented. Tried tightening stomach or chest muscles in different ways... or constricting my throat muscles. Letting the sound resonate more in my nasal passages, and less in my lungs. Various things -- I cough so much I have had oodles of time to practice.
While I can't really say exactly what it is that I do that works... I can say that *knowing* (thanks to my FtM friends) that it *was* possible... I eventually figured out how. And as the years went by -- as my subconscious mind *accepted* that this is what I *should* sound like -- I found myself simply coughing/sneezing that way automatically, without thinking about it. Whether I was consciously expecting to cough... or sound asleep, waking up coughing. Shrug. Or even drugged out of my mind, waking up from surgery -- as has happened to me a few times over the years, what with my medical issues.
Screaming went much the same way. For a few years I had a job that involved an awful lot of commuting between job sites... alone in my vehicle. So... as a way to pass the time... I practiced screaming, while driving. It is hard on the throat, so I do not recommend practicing it too much at any one time... but know that it *is* possible. And know that if you do it enough, learn to *own* that sound as something your body should do "naturally", you *can* master that sound.
It is all just a matter of practice... and of being psychologically willing to own your new voice.