The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #48: Saying goodbye: Life lessons from a dead friend To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

I knew someone - someone from work who I thought of as a friend, but she probably didn't.   She was a pretty brunette, very popular, super smart, outgoing, lots of friends and very ambitious (but in the good sense of the word).  I didn't know her too well, really, and despite having met her face-to-face just a few times, I liked her a lot, and I thought of her as a friend, like I said.   I just hope that she remembered me in the same way, although I think that was a futile hope, given how many people she knew.

I met her face-to-face January last year over in Singapore (she loved to travel). She was staying in some fancy hotel (the fancy-shmancy Marina Bay Sands, I think) while the company booked me in a cheaper (much, much cheaper lol) hotel called Costa Sands, in Sentosa.

She was tall for a girl, and very pretty, very popular and super-smart like I said, and I was therefore very, very intimidated by her.   She  and MoeMoe hit it off almost from the start, however.   The few days that we got to hang out with her and her friends were lots of fun.   They even went swimming in the infinity pool in Marina Bay despite the fact it was January. Moe went but I had meetings, so I didn't go (though to be truthful, I didn't want to go anyway, because I was too shy to go swimming in public in a suit).

She lived in a really fancy apartment in Manhattan, was an avowed expert in advertising trends, and did a lot of work for the Atlanta people. Last I heard, she was in the middle of a big project.

What happened to her got me thinking, and the thing I kept on thinking was that, if I had to pick someone I wanted to be like - it was her.   How could I not, right?   If being self-actualized, outgoing, popular, and successful were the goals, she was the person to be.

And that I was gonna miss her.

About three days ago, people found the body of my friend. She had aparently jumped from her apartment. I was told she was in the news, though I'm sure only in the local news (you might have caught it if you lived in the New York area) but being overseas, plus not being from NewYork, I didn't. I found out about it from my old assistant Sammi, and she emailed the inter-office bulletin about it (as my assistant-but-soon-to-be-ex-assistant. Sammi's pushing through with her retirement this December since my old branch is being closed).   Police are saying it was suicide, but I couldn't believe such a girl with a wonderful-seeming life and a bright future woud commit suicide, but no foul play is suspected (although the case was still under investigation).

With my own unsuccessful attempt at suicide, I know my reasons why I did it, and my reasons were apparent and easily understandable, I think, if viewed by others. But my friend?

I can think of some things that can drive a girl to suicide: job pressure, perhaps? Family trouble? Financial reasons? A failed relationship, maybe? Drugs? So many reasons.   It is all a matter of perspective, I think.   But, as someone from the outside looking at her, all I saw was a pretty girl with lots of friends, a successful career, et cetera.   If I had what she had, I think I could weather any kind of trouble that comes my way, especially if I didn't have my gender problems.

Like I said, it is all a matter of perspective, I think: certain things, both good and bad things, define us - for example, a fashion model finds definition and fulfillment in her looks; a rich man finds it in his wealth and power; a social worker finds it in her ability to make life easier for others; a doctor finds it in his ability to heal.   And on the negative side: a junkie defines his life between fixes; a gambler defines his life as how well he can pay off hIs gambling debts; a hooker defines her life by how many Johns she can do in a night.

And for those of us here, many of us define our life around our transgender issues.   I know I did.   But is that right?

Thinking about my friend, since I do not know the kind of life pressures that brought her to the point where she felt compelled to commit suicide, I cannot comment. But if I knew her intentions, I'd probably tell her the reasons why she shouldn't. I will tell her all that she had going for her, which is substantial.   And that, surely, among all the dozens and dozens and dozens of friends that she had, surely one of them would have been someone she could have turned to for whatever kind of emotiomal support she needed.

In my short life, I have learned a handful of life lessons - truisims that have helped me in making my way through the world (not that I have gone through much compared to most).   Four of them are: do nor be afraid to ask for help; allow yourself to consider others' points of view and others' ideas; be willing to admit you can be wrong, and; be grateful, and give value to, what you have.

I apologize for the third-grade sensibility of these "life lessons," but life lessons, I find, are lessons easily expressed but the hardest to understand and learn.   Like, if my friend really did give value to what she had, I doubt if she would have done what she did.

I suppose that most of us here, whose lives have been defined by our gender problems, were to apply these "third-grade" lessons to ourselves, we might find our gender problems being relegated to something that will NOT define us anymore, and therefore allow us to live life DESPITE them.

I am trying my darndest to apply these to myself, really I am - and I think I am all the better for it.

To my friend who has decided to pass on - good luck to you, girl. I'm sorry you decided to leave. I hope you find whatever it is you are looking for wherever you are.

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