Normally one would be a tad nervous about a court date. Why do I find myself anticipating it rather than nervous?

well, my ex managed to catch pneumonia, so she'll be very sick for a couple of days. I hope she gets better soon. I may not like how she thinks in terms of my transition, but I dont want her hurt.

Well, last night some co-workers and I were talking, and the subject of sex ed came up. Suddenly, i had something like a flashback of taking sex ed in elementary myself, and realizing for the first time that the equipment I had in my pants wasnt suddenly going to drop off leaving me with a nice girl set. (Until we were taught better, that seemed to be the prevailing opinion on how girls got made) I suddenly remembered being actually sick with grief afterward, but not really knowing why.

Take that for what it is, I guess.

Well, yesterday, I got a gift from a friend that helped pull me out of my depression. I had gone to lunch with her, and talked about my struggles, and she told me I have pretty feminine features and manners.

This is the sort of stuff I need to hold on to when I start feeling like I cant ever pass, or any of the other garbage that runs through my head regularly.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #37: Back in Manila To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Moe n I arrived in Manila this morning - about 6AM Sunday (or 6PM Saturday EST).   Another four weeks here in sunny Manila.

There are times when I question this strange thing I am, because in all honesty, it doesnt seem to make a lot of sense to me. I mean, intersex people, that kinda makes sense, and you can get tests done and know you belong to that category. But me, my fem side is literally only in my head, and short of an autopsy when I die, there isnt any way to be 100 % sure I 'm not just crazy.,

Ah, well.

Well, today was a tough day with my daughter. We took her and her two friends to West Edmonton Mall, played glow-in-the-dark mini-golf, and went skating at the ice rink. Sounds like fun, right? Well, not really, because the boys noticed I was wearing a woman's shirt, and so that became an awkward topic for conversation. Plus, I'm worried like heck about a friend of mine who is really struggling and has even talked about suicide.

Sigh.

It gets better, right?

At my counseling session today, my counselor suggested I find a way to process all the grief I went through as a kid by having some kind of mourning ritual. The death of my father, the loss of my innocence, the "burying" of my girl self, all need to be grieved over. I'm not sure what form this should take, but it sounds like a good idea.

Boy, if that doesnt get people reading, nothing would, giggle. But its more than just a "hook" , it really happened to me. It was like this: I was in high school, and found a small circle of friends playing Dungeons and Dragons. A couple of the girls who were part of that circle became very close to me. I think if I had been a genetic girl I would definitely called them my BFf's . Well, one summer day, one of them had invited me and the other to hide in their basement from the heat.

I was reading a story that mentioned some things that girls apparently do instinctively, and it set off a round of "TG PMS" where I found myself wondering - do I do those things? Did I do them as a child? And what if I didnt, what does that make me? I'll be okay, it will pass, but it sucks.

I'm kinda stuck in terms of a transition. I cant change my name until I get my birth certificate, and I 'm stuck waiting for the forms. But I'm feeling desperate to feel like I'm making progress, and I dont know what else I can do in the meantime.

Ah, well.

I do not want to alarm any one here but you may not of noticed that a large white wolf has been watching you ,from the cover of the shadows, all sitting around the camp fire the rest of you refer to as BC. This wolf watched for a couple of years before leaving the first foot prints about 1year 44weeks ago. Now the wolf has sat next to Bailey Summer and had the pleasure of her company. Yes the wolf is me and yes I come to be a comrade not looking for a cheep lunch.

Several people from different compartments of my life have asked me to write my autobiography and I am finally feeling well enough to take on such a task. It will be a transgender (inter-sex) story, and it will also include every aspect of my life, including my success, failures and embarrassing moments. It will include all aspects of my spiritual journey.

I still have a lot to think about, but I think if it has to be sugar coated to avoid offending someone, then it is not worth the effort. It will include it all both smelly and fragrant.

Well, I was going to share about my trip to the endo doc in a skirt, but I made the mistake on my way home of turning on the radio in time to hear the sentence for Graham James for raping two kids while their hockey coach. Two years. Two years for destroying two lives. Two years for humiliating two teen boys into being his sex toys. I'm going to scream and cry into a pillow now.

I know a LOT of people have been waiting for this for far, far too long. Now that I've got a timetable, and even more, my Muse (or whatever I'm calling inspiration) has decided it's time.

In two weeks I expect to send the next chapter in my Comdex series to the editors. Hopefully, that means in about three to four weeks I'll be posting it.

Today I had my first counseling session so I can transition. It went very well. I am happy that the counselor doesn't want to dwell on the past, because neither do I. I am tired of doing counseling where I relive all the past traumas of life. Let's leave it in the past where it belongs and live in the now. I am not disassociating with my past, I'm not saying it didn't exist or that it happened to the boy I am not, but I'm tired of being depressed about things. The counselor is an F2M which proves body swapping should be legalized and we can all find the body we are happy with.

One of the biggest improvements I've noticed is with my hair. Not only is it softer than its been in years (feels like silk to the touch, no lie), but its now long enough that I can actually feel it move. I'll be walking along, and I can feel my hair bounce, and it feels so feminine and just ... right. Like something I hadnt even realized was missing has been returned to me.

Now, if I could only do something about the bald spot in the front....

Things can get complicated at times.

Work is finally back to a (relatively) sane level, and I'm *finally* able to settle in and start pecking away at Maureen's 'to-do' list.

I'm finding that, for Amazon's Boot Camp chapter, there are too many things going on to keep everything on track without first writing each thread separately and then weaving everything together. Far more time consuming, but 'ya gotta do what ya gotta do.'

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #36: Back home! To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Moe n I are back home. Yayyy!

Just wanted to give a public thank-you to Tels who took time yesterday to talk to me by phone. Thank you hon.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #35: Imitation of a Regular Life (2 of 2) To see all of my Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

I am a post-op TG girl, as many know, and I have had to make adjustments over the years - from the simpler, visible side of things, like the way I dress and act and sound (and even smell heehee), to more complicated things like learning new ways to live, to relate to others, and to be happy.   No choice, really, especially after I had changed what my therapist calls my "basic physical parameters," which is 21st century doctor-speak for HRT, SRS and the other plastic surgeries.

It's real difficult adjusting to a feminine life.   That's not to say it's unwanted - after all, these are the things I needed to do to accomplish the magical transition that I had desperately wanted, and eventually  have the life I have dreamed about - to have my imitation regular life.

I was chatting with my friend Kylie yesterday on IMVU while my daughter was over, and she cuddled up close to me and watched me typing.

She looked at the avi of Kylie, and asked "Is she like you?"

I said, pointing at our avatars, "she's a pretty girl, like I am, see?"

My daughter then said, "No. Is she .... Like you?"

I said Yes, she's a boy on the outside, but a girl on the inside."

She just held on to me, and said nothing.

Does this mean she's getting the idea about me?

I had a good session, with one of the things I did was have an exercise where I pretended to punch my rapist, taking time to see how my body moved, what muscles I would use, and so on. Being given permission to be angry at him in a safe place felt pretty good.

I had forgot to mention a little incident that happened between my ex and my mom on Thursday night. They had a open house at the school my daughter will attend next year, and after a presentation, they were supposed to take a tour in small groups starting with the people at the back of the auditorium. My ex, my mom, and my daughter were at the front, but my ex grabbed my daughter and ran to join the first group, leaving my mom behind. Unable to keep up, my mom decided to skip the tour entirely and went to her car to wait.