I suppose it was bound to happen. Nay, it was destined to happen. In fact I've done it to myself on purpose. In a little over a month's time I am set to begin hormone therapy, if I decide to go through with things. I purposefully set a time in motion for HRT as sort of a way to "put up or shut up" and it looks like shut up is about to win out.

I have had many questions about gender since I started writing stories almost a decade ago. By no means am I blaming story sites such as this one for my dilemma, I had questions about my gender predating any foray into the wonderful world of literary fantasy. I do think i have allowed my writing (I barely read anyone any more) to taint my self-perceptions though.

Now I am wondering. Am I really transgender, or was becoming involved in a community such as this one something I did because I received rewards. I know I have always been one to crave attention, that's why I excelled at wrestling and when that was gone, I gravitated towards Big Closet. I could see how many reads I got and the comments and now, the kudos. I wonder if those rewards turned me into a transgendered version of Pavlov's dog.

I look at certain facts about life and it makes me pose questions. For one, I was abused by at least 2 males (possibly more) and perhaps the idea of being a female trapped in a male body takes the sting out of me being a part of homosexual activity. You must realize that as a "macho" athlete, homosexuality is almost as bad as crying. Could it be that I decided that I was female, simply to make the sexual abuse I suffered more palatable. It sounds odd, but our psyche does some amazing little loop de loops to get around things.

The other thing that worries me and gives me doubts is that my gender identity seems to be wrapped around sex. I don't think it's a clever way to get around the fact that I may be gay or bisexual. But I started having questions about my gender around the same time I became sexually aware and oft times portray myself as female when I have masturbatory fantasies. The funny thing is, I know when this all happened:

When I was in fifth grade there was this gorgeous girl in my class that I met the first day. Since I just discovered the joys of masturbation, I used her image for ignoble purposes. The very next day, I discovered that she was named Jason and wasn't a girl. That really didn't curb my masturbation and in my next fantasy, I just pictured myself as the girl. I was 10 at the time and I guess I only viewed sex as have one male and one female partner. Those types of fantasies have continued ever since.

I almost left this out, but in middle school I did one day dress up in my aunt's clothing. I don't know if this is normal behavior for most boys or not. I don't recall any arousal or such, but my aunt was a large woman and it wasn't as if I was wearing anything that would be called high fashion.

Then I got saved at 14 or 15, I know it was in January but I don't know if it was before or after my birthday. Anyway, with new found spirituality, I sort of put most of the sexual stuff on hold. I occasionally looked at pornography of women and had quasi normal fantasies about girls in school. So, for a little while I did put the transsexual stuff away.

another thing I almost forgot to add (I am telling you when I edit stuff in). At this time, chat bbs' were becoming trendy. You know, before the internet and IRC. But, I would go on these chat rooms and assume a female persona. I did this mostly so I could have cybersex, but I didn't always get the chance, but still played the roll.

So, when I was in college. I remember it well. It was during my second semester of my freshman year. I was a stud wrestler and lighting the damn world on fire (I was 30-7 and won a national championship, as well as MVP or the team). Any way, outside of bragging. I had a dream. It wasn't one of those Martin Luther King Jr. dreams. I dreamed that I was 8 years old and that my step-father made me wear a pink party dress and was suppose to be taking me to toys-r-us. I don't know if this dream was a repressed memory, but I didn't normally dream I was different ages than I normally was. What I do remember is waking up and saying to myself "Damn, I am suppose to be a girl." Kind of a funny thing to say to one self, especially with the certainty that I said it. But that sort of got the whole ball rolling.

The next year was when I started getting involved in AOL and I would go online and assume female nicknames. This was done for the sole purpose of having cybersex. I almost had cybersex under a male alias but that was purely by accident. (Wrestling men-only wasn't what I thought it was)

Anyway. My sophomore year I wound up injuring my knee. I still won nationals, but wrestling suddenly became a chore and I spent most of the year using a cane and hearing my knee pop every time I took a step. My knee popped so loud all the time that people could hear it down the hall. I wound up leaving before the year was over, it was just too unbearable. The reason I went to college was to wrestle, and with that gone, school just sucked too much.

I still continued the online roleplaying thing though for years. I should note that in some rooms I was very candid about my gender questioning. I got involved in survivor chat rooms and moved to Mich. where a lesbian couple helped me get settled. During Halloween, one year, I did dress up in drag. It was then that I picked my first female name (Kelly Lynn). I also bought a nighty and even wore a bra and panties to work at kinkos.

After finding out, by accident, that my high school coach (whom I loved very dearly), I eventually went back to college, the idea was to make a comeback in wrestling. That's where I discovered story sites and eventually fiction-mania. I guess a T-1 line helps with things and the net was expanding. I wrote my first story and it was well received and I suppose I got hooked on the praise that I was receiving.

I eventually came out to my Aunt one year after I graduating college. If you look on BC classic it's titled "The Night I Told". It wasn't the easiest thing to do, but I did it, and thought that might be a big step. My aunt really didn't understand it and mistook it for being gay, but that really isn't the point.

I then went to prison for 4 years. I should probably add that even though it doesn't have any bearing on anything. But some people might notice a huge break in the action for me. I did reveal to some counselors in prison my GID but nothing ever did come of it. Also, while in prison and before I entered a treatment program, I wrote many transgender based stories. Some were highly sexual and didn't make it out of prison, but others (most of what I've posted over the past 2 years) were written at that time.

I also came out to a christian counselor about it after prison and his take was that I had these questions because of the sexual abuse that I have suffered.

Anyway. After prison I got involved in a ministry and put the transgender stuff on the back burner. For some reason I feel I can't serve God and be trans at the same time (don't judge it, I don't judge you). But that is a major hurdle. I was also living in a house with ex-offenders, so there was no way I could cross-dress any way. I told the pastor about my gender identity stuff, she tried to "deliver" me from it, but she was a bit of a kook. Her take on my GID was that she knew gay people and I wasn't gay (another person who doesn't know one from the other.) Also she said she didn't see me effeminate at all.

Anyway, I left that ministry and started writing and posting stories online once again. I tried dropping hints in real life about possibly becoming female, but that was usually laughed at or discouraged.

Then my aunt died.

I suppose my aunt dying removed a big hurdle for me and I figured with no one in my life affected by what I do, I could explore things further. I came out to two friends (the ones that robbed me blind) and they seemed supportive, but I think the had other motives (like stealing) so I don't trust their reactions. I also started going to a counselor in efforts to get HRT and going to support groups. I notice some people make gorgeous females and some look like dudes in dresses. I try not to judge but it is hard not to notice things like that.

So, here I am at the precipice, what the hell am I? Part of me says at least start taking the hormones and hopefully lose the sexual drive and evaluate then. Other parts of me says abandon ship and live in the body I was given. I might not be happy either way. I am a almost 500 lb angry cynical man and perhaps if I worked on me in that capacity (say becoming a 250lb less angry less cynical man) I could obtain happiness, perhaps find someone to love and who will love me and live the American dream. The other part of me says that I have been thinking on the situation too long for there not to be something there.

I think in the end. After I finish my latest story. I am going to leave the community, maybe even leave the internet entirely, and try to find some sort of balance on my own. It may be for the best. Or it may be a way to punish myself so I can conform to what I think the world wants me to conform to.

There's another part of me just hopes one day I simply don't wake up and I won't have to deal with any of this shit any more. One can only hope.