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(just going to continue right from last entry)
Well, needless to say my mother was quite freaked out at all the blood everywhere and that I was still bleeding. She wanted to call an ambulance but I asked her if we could please just drive there. I threw on some jeans(covering my bloody legs) and wrapped a towel around my waist so I wouldn't get blood all over the car. She drove me to the emergency room and I told her what I did on the way(but not why). When we got there(I still had the towel around my waist cause my jeans were leaking blood) I was rushed in right away right after my mother told them I attempted to castrate myself.
Within a few minutes I had an IV in both arms one attached to a bag of clear fluid(never asked what it was) and the other hanging there waiting to see if I needed a blood transfusion and was holding to my privates to slow the bleeding.(don't remember exact order of events here) They determined I needed one at some point and added it to the other IV. A doctor came in at some point and after examining my privates(which hadn't stopped bleeding) and seeing that I only had one testicle and asked if I removed it. After I told him yes, he got really pissed at my mother for wasting his time and scolded her for saying it was an attempted castration rather than partial castration(why would she know the difference?!). Then they called a new doctor, a urologist, and I was brought into surgery about 20 minutes later(I was still bleeding so I guess they rushed it) after I woke from the surgery the urologist came into my room and told me he saved my life about 15 times in half that many minutes(I guess they don't get to do that very often?). I wasn't very grateful(shame on me!)
Then I spent another 24 or so hours in the hospital (in which time I never told my parents why I did what I did) and then was transferred to river crest(acute mental health facility) when I got there I told the first psychiatrist why I did what I did and then he refused to treat me and I got put under another(which I was glad of because the first guy was really old and grumpy). I spent the next 15 days there, meeting they psychiatrist once a day, going to group meetings, and chatting with the other teens(I did tell everyone what got me there but not why). After the third time I met with the psychiatrist he recommended I be transferred to a LGBT facility(it was in another state) where he felt I would be able to talk more freely but my parents refused(My dad(mom agrees with him on everything) doesn't believe in gay or transgendered people calling them attention seekers and such)
When I got out of there my diagnosis was Severe Gender Identity Disorder and recommended treatment was that I see a therapist(preferable one that deals with gender identity) my parents refused that as well cause they also don't believe in therapy. After I got out of there my dad wanted me to get an MRI to see if I had a brain tumor or something(not kidding *sad face*) because I wasn't 'acting normal'. He also said I tricked the doctor into giving me that diagnosis. All of that kinda sucked and I didn't get back on HRT till after I was 18.(my parents had gone through my room found my meds(threw them out) and read my diary and such when I was in rivercrest)
I regret what I did and how that all happened with my parents but I don't think coming out to them ever would have been a good idea no matter how I did it.
side note, thank god for insurance because I saw all the bills it paid for 2000+ for the hospital room 30000+ for the urologist 20000+ for the time I spent in rivercrest. plus, a few 500s in there for various other things.
Comments
It wasn't the cleverest thing to do
and you need to tie off the blood vessels - not easy on yourself - would hve been worse if you'd removed the penis as well, which is where the major vessels are.
Don't understand your dad, I'm sorry but I think he's a total arsehole and I'd happily say that to his face.
Hopefully, you're now back on track with where you need to be. However, self castration can be viewed as a negative when it comes to surgical referral.
Angharad
Seconded
I second Angharad's comment.
As someone who has spent time in psychiatric hospitals (as an unwilling admission) can I say how fortunate you were to come out of this as easily as you did?
Never, never, never put yourself in a position where people can question your sanity. Once you've lost your right to independent thought, the bastards can do anything they want with you.
I'm glad to hear you're okay. Please don't do anything like that again.
not as think as i smart i am
I know how lucky I was
I think because I had no trouble socializing with others, was running out of meds, had a plan(although a very stupid one), sought medical help when it went badly, and the diary my parents gave him (It had a lot of very personal stuff, like what I thought I was, finding out about the T community, how I felt the hormones were affecting me, my fear of running out of meds, and a lot more stuff that really should never have been read by anyone.(I never got it back either, so my parents trashed it or he might still have it.)) convinced him I wasn't loony, but I guess I will never know.
I especially hope the diary convinced him just because my parents probably had the opposite intention.
Stop it with the self condemnation!
No body is gonna like what I am going to say ...
Leaving the back story out, I was going to do the deed myself and was either going to use self castration or a tool they use on sheep that does it non surgically. Fortunately, I found a Doctor that would do it for $1000, and suddenly had the money, so I scheduled it. He protested at first but I said it would be him or me.
People just don't get it when you have GID, and in my case, I hated men and hated being one of the enemy. Years later, I find that my hatred of men was the major motivator, not the GID.
Well, yes you could have planned better. One of the internet methods I saw said to use the razor knife to scrub back and forth to fray the blood vessel in two, thus encouraging clotting. I don't know if I intended to tie them off or not. I was gonna do the whole job in the tub and then flush them, and if I had problems, I'd have my cell phone right there to get help.
The big problem was that self castration would mean at least 6 months in the State Mental Hospital, and then they threatened to refuse to help you any more. By then, I was so angry with the system and "them", that I did not care what they thought. I knew that Spiro was a blood presure med and did not want to get hooked on that shit, so I was not going to use it for long.
The other problem is that I trusted the shrinks. They had me on a bunch of shit that made me gain over 50 lbs, turning me into a fat slob, and generally fucked with my inner organs. Later I found out that they get a kick back on that crap.
So, you won't find me being harsh with you. I know what it is like living with a bunch of narrow minded, brain washed creeps. They comply with society and ignore your needs and I hated them for it.
Gwendolyn
gid misdiagnose
Gwen touched on something I would like to point out.
GID can also be misdiagnosed. In some cases, not all, but more than I am comfortable with people get misdiagnosed with GID.
I know of a few individuals who have been misdiagnosed. These poor people are usually trying hard to change themselves to overcome a past problem. In one case the person had no self esteem at all and found kindred spirits with those that have GID. Assuming he was one tried repeatedly until he got srs.
This person's very male half, that had been suppressed, eventually woke up. They committed suicide because of it.
GID is a serious ailment. The processes in place for those with it are difficult for the reason of preventing misdiagnoses. I have seen people whine and complain about it being so difficult and so for. Personnaly I think it is to easy and requires a better system.
There is one person I know that just had srs within 2 years. They suddenly out of the blue stated they wanted a sex change 2 years ago. Shocking loving wife (who he had sex with multiple times a week with his organ) 2 children and a slew of friends who all were shocked with this declaration. I have been on the recieving end of this person's rather chavenistic , and very male view, mind. I do not believe this person to be female in any shape or form. As such I believe I will have another funeral to attend too at one point soon. This has made me very angry.
One of the problems
with any of these self diagnosed conditions, is just that, they are self diagnosed. I remember going to the gender clinic at Charing Cross back in 1979 and saying, I believe I'd be happier living as a woman, and the shrink, said, fine, go on then. I eventually did but not for six more years of fighting it - the need to do it. It finally won but at least I did it through the proper channels.
I firmly believe that many who feel they are transsexual are deluded, or dealing with something other than GID, perhaps they just feel failures as a man. Unfortunately, it's even harder being a woman, so they're likely to fail there too.
Gender identity can be affected by other delusional states like schizophrenia as well as social and environmental conditions. The reason for the shrinks, is to screen out these delusional individuals, which may be harder than it looks. There are also the fetishists who need to be stopped for their own safety and the odd transvestite who gets carried away by contact with transsexuals who are on hormones etc. They don't want the dream to end - it doesn't it just becomes a nightmare for them.
I honestly believe that true transsexualism is quite rare and that many other groups/individuals have got sucked into it by the medical conveyor belt with it's need to diagnose and treat possibly with insufficient evidence to support the self diagnosis.
Angharad
Where do things stand now with yout parents?
Doesn't sound like they'd ever come around to understanding. Fortunately you did come out of it alive and are here now to be able to tell others...tell them what NOT to do, but still everyone's experience helps others.
I hope you've reached some form of a happy place now?
{{Hugs}}
parents
I called my mom on mother's day. I don't have any plans to ever see them again but anything can happen(which is what makes life so great)