From the ex-LittleKatie:
So, I went to my counselor today. I go every two weeks. We spend half the session talking about my writing and why I don't have a life.
But eventually I came to this and brought it up.
I am embarrassed about being trans. There is no way around it. I feel that in someway I have failed. That I was given a body, abused the hell out of it and really don't know the first thing to do with it. Outside of here and a few rare cases in real life, no one knows about my dilemma. Why don't people know? Because I don't tell them, that's why.
It is my secret. I don't even tell the people I do tell that I'm trans, I make up a story about being inter-sexed. That shows that I have real issues. Perhaps its because whenever I have told people they go "I don't see it," or even worst, "Don't worry, you don't strike me as gay." What the fuck does gay have to do with being female. The last people that I told took advantage of me, robbed me blind and had me arrested on trumped up charges (7 months ago and I still fear more charges are coming). I really don't want people in the "Real" world knowing. I even went as far as to change my author profile on amazon to remove all references to being trans.
I don't know why I have such an issue revealing who I am. It's not like I'm married or have kids or a life or a job to lose. I don't think my cats would care. But, until I can admit to people who and what I am, there is no point in trying to transition. I have tried to give hints, but the reaction I get tells me I should just stuff my underwear with a big ball of socks, suck it up, and try to conform to what the doctors put on my birth certificate.
This is the official end to this rant.
Comments
There is nothing wrong
With feeling that way. I myself am not proud to be a transsexual either, I'm not post op or anything (which is what I'm guessing from your ball of socks comment) well I guess I technically am as I've had irreversible surgery to my genital area. But anyway, I'm an activist, not everyone has to be an activist, there is such a thing as stealth. Maybe it'd be right for you?
I know who I am, I am me, and I like me ^^
Transgender, Gamer, Little, Princess, Therian and proud :D
Nah...
...we don't hate you at all. After all, from various blogs by other authors I've read here in the past four years or so, your thoughts and feelings on the issue are hardly unprecedented. There are several others posting here in "deep stealth" (i.e. nobody in real life knows about their gender problems) and it's hardly unheard of for someone outing themselves as TG to encounter more problems than someone outing themselves as LGB - after all, for many people their concept of gender is fixed and immutable, so the idea of someone wanting to "change" it is completely alien - not to mention the paternalistic implications of the traditional "men strong, women weak" viewpoint - and that's before bringing deities into the equation! Evidently, some combinations of the above can result in varying levels of antagonistic reaction from grudging tolerance through disinheritance all the way up to malicious accusations, financial exploitation and physical harm.
For some people, DSD/IS might be an easier way of explaining your feelings - and it isn't entirely inaccurate, given there is a school of thought that TG is a form of the condition (but obviously impossible to spot through physical examination alone!). But given the trials and tribulations handed you by life so far, it's probably more important to you to get some form of stability in your life first (especially dealing with the wonderful justice system) and then thinking about how to proceed with your gender situation.
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!
I'm hardly happy about it either.
But what embarrasses me is the body, not the mind. I know I'm a woman. I can't hide that. But I'm hardly proud of the fact that I was born male.
Whenever I get to a point where I can just appear completely normal as female and no one gives me a second look or questions it, I'll be more than happy to leave "TG" behind and just be the woman I know I am.
Abigail Drew.
Hate
Unless you are talking about someone who has given you grief in the past, or is here under false pretenses,I doubt that anyone will hate you for being confused and upset with yourself for your situation. Probably all of those here who consider themselves/are transgendered have been in your shoes at some point.
Rami
RAMI
YOUR BLOG
You poor thing. If the people around you, with whom you try to communicate your situation, are that unwilling to empathize with you, or at least to listen without criticizing or putting you down, then perhaps you should seriosly consider moving ?
In my limited experience, people in the UK, especially those in places , like the West of Scotland, the outer suburbs of London, the West Country, are mostly much more open minded and friendly towards people of "gender variance" of most kinds.
Briar
Not unusual
Actually it is very common. I am a shy individual, not. I have come out to my close family and a very few friends. There are some remaining friends I half way expect to loose when they find out, so I'll put it off as long as possible. As for the general public and my enemies (and people I don't like), they can wait for my debut as a woman.
I was just discussing this with my kid, I'm a free Mason for crips sake. They are on the bottom of my list too. Fact is, I hate being trans, it goes against everything I was taught, but here I am. Part of what happened last May, when I came out to myself, is I accepted myself. I still don't like it, but there is no denying it. And I chose life, there was a question in my mind on the subject.
The other side is there are some nice things about being a girl. I am talking about allowing yourself to feel that which you couldn't before. I doubt I will ever like guys in a romantic way, though the jury is still out on that one. But being feminine, accepting that I am feminine, is nice.
You have my email address? Drop me a line sometime, and we can swap phone numbers. Talking helps, a lot. I am incredibly lucky, I have friends who are blazing the trail before me, and I was surprised to find Dallas has a fair support network.
Don't be afraid to pick a feminine name either, but choose carefully. You will likely be stuck with it for the rest of your life.
I unfortunately understand your situation...
...all too well. It's been the basis for a depression I've had since not long after I joined this site--a depression triggered by a story I read here (though to prevent any hurt feelings or guilt on the part of the author, I'd prefer not to say by whom, or which story. And before you even think it, it was NOT one of yours....) But it had the typical pivotal scene in which the character sees herself as female for the first time--and the following thought popped into my head: "I hope she doesn't regret what she's doing...."
That led me to think, "My God, do I deep down regret what I've done?" which sent me into a panic attack. I've been full time for fourteen years--the thought of putting the brakes on the transition and going back to male, after having lived as female for so long, was terrifying. I don't wish to rip the life I've built as Rachel apart. If I say, actually say out loud, that I regret my transition, then I'm obliged to end it, logically. Yet I don't want to end it.
That led to a taunting voice in my head saying, "Admit it--you want to detransition. You're just afraid to because of the work involved. You don't act feminine, you don't look feminine. You look ridiculous, in fact. You're not trans..." and so on.
The fact is, I greatly enjoy living as female, but I enjoy the superficial things--the clothes, the hair, the makeup. The external trappings. If I were truly transsexual and worthy of transitioning, they shouldn't mean quite THAT much to me, right? Not to disparage crossdressers, but aren't those things more a crossdresser's preoccupation? More doubt.
Another thing that bothered me is that until very recently, I hadn't quite adjusted to being called "ma'am"--during most of my transition, it was hard of me to think of myself as a "ma'am." That brought on another bout of panic--is that proof I'm not really trans? That deep down, I think of myself as male?
Fortunately, I had a breakthrough with my voice recently that made it easier for me to see myself as female--it's hard to do if you look one way, but hear a male voice come out of your mouth. But the taunting mental voice hasn't quite gone.
Part of the problem is that I have hardly any proof of my being trans (I gave no outward indication of it to anyone, as far as I know, until my late teens, and didn't dress female until my early thirties--my late mother insisted I was a typical boy). If I had that proof, an eyewitness account that I was feminine as a child, I'd feel better about my transition, more "legitimate." I hear so many in our community say, "I knew when I was four...when I was five..." or some such. At that age, the concept of "boy body, girl mind" was alien to me. So am I a fake?
And my looks. I've taken hundreds of pictures of myself over the past three years especially. Not out of vanity, but to criticize every flaw. And unfortunately, I have a lot of them.
It's mentally exhausting to have to monitor my voice, my gestures, my behavior constantly. (The fact I have to do so also raised doubts about my authenticity, since if I'm female inside, the behavior and gestures and the like should just come automatically, right?)
Anyway, to my point. My therapist thinks that I, much like you seem to, have some internalized transphobia, which makes a lot of sense. I'm constantly worried about my appearance and manner because I don't want to look and behave like a man in a dress--like "Uncle Miltie" in drag, in other words. Or Eric Idle in drag, for you Monty Python fans. I don't pass well enough to simply blend in to the populace, and that's a huge psychological strain.
Everywhere I go, it's "Do they know? Did they figure me out? Oops, my voice dropped too much. Oops, that gesture was too male, wasn't it?"
It was that internalized transphobia that caused me to say to myself, "I hope she doesn't regret what she's doing." I was thinking about the ridicule, the feeling of not measuring up, the fear of looking ridiculous, when I thought those words. I know that now.
I can relate about not wanting to be found out, too. That's why no picture of me stays here for long--I'm not out to everyone on the net, and my brothers would likely be mortified if they knew I posted here. So I don't post much about my family or personal life here, for fear they'd accidentally find it and figure out who wrote it.
I don't know what to say to reassure you, K.T., other than what you're going through is normal. I'd even go so far as to say it's commonplace among those of us in the TG community. Self-loathing is part of the package, I'm afraid, triggered from both the outside and within. Thankfully, for me, it's finally subsiding, and it will for you too.
And Katie--or K.T.--one last thing. I don't hate you, and I think I can safely say no one else here does, either. You and your stories are a treasure, and we're glad you're here.
Livin' A Ragtime Life,
Rachel
If you didn't hate me before
How can I hate you? Not in my nature. As an obese man, I know how you feel about embarrassed about being fat.
May Your Light Forever Shine