...all too well. It's been the basis for a depression I've had since not long after I joined this site--a depression triggered by a story I read here (though to prevent any hurt feelings or guilt on the part of the author, I'd prefer not to say by whom, or which story. And before you even think it, it was NOT one of yours....) But it had the typical pivotal scene in which the character sees herself as female for the first time--and the following thought popped into my head: "I hope she doesn't regret what she's doing...."

That led me to think, "My God, do I deep down regret what I've done?" which sent me into a panic attack. I've been full time for fourteen years--the thought of putting the brakes on the transition and going back to male, after having lived as female for so long, was terrifying. I don't wish to rip the life I've built as Rachel apart. If I say, actually say out loud, that I regret my transition, then I'm obliged to end it, logically. Yet I don't want to end it.

That led to a taunting voice in my head saying, "Admit it--you want to detransition. You're just afraid to because of the work involved. You don't act feminine, you don't look feminine. You look ridiculous, in fact. You're not trans..." and so on.

The fact is, I greatly enjoy living as female, but I enjoy the superficial things--the clothes, the hair, the makeup. The external trappings. If I were truly transsexual and worthy of transitioning, they shouldn't mean quite THAT much to me, right? Not to disparage crossdressers, but aren't those things more a crossdresser's preoccupation? More doubt.

Another thing that bothered me is that until very recently, I hadn't quite adjusted to being called "ma'am"--during most of my transition, it was hard of me to think of myself as a "ma'am." That brought on another bout of panic--is that proof I'm not really trans? That deep down, I think of myself as male?

Fortunately, I had a breakthrough with my voice recently that made it easier for me to see myself as female--it's hard to do if you look one way, but hear a male voice come out of your mouth. But the taunting mental voice hasn't quite gone.

Part of the problem is that I have hardly any proof of my being trans (I gave no outward indication of it to anyone, as far as I know, until my late teens, and didn't dress female until my early thirties--my late mother insisted I was a typical boy). If I had that proof, an eyewitness account that I was feminine as a child, I'd feel better about my transition, more "legitimate." I hear so many in our community say, "I knew when I was four...when I was five..." or some such. At that age, the concept of "boy body, girl mind" was alien to me. So am I a fake?

And my looks. I've taken hundreds of pictures of myself over the past three years especially. Not out of vanity, but to criticize every flaw. And unfortunately, I have a lot of them.

It's mentally exhausting to have to monitor my voice, my gestures, my behavior constantly. (The fact I have to do so also raised doubts about my authenticity, since if I'm female inside, the behavior and gestures and the like should just come automatically, right?)

Anyway, to my point. My therapist thinks that I, much like you seem to, have some internalized transphobia, which makes a lot of sense. I'm constantly worried about my appearance and manner because I don't want to look and behave like a man in a dress--like "Uncle Miltie" in drag, in other words. Or Eric Idle in drag, for you Monty Python fans. I don't pass well enough to simply blend in to the populace, and that's a huge psychological strain.

Everywhere I go, it's "Do they know? Did they figure me out? Oops, my voice dropped too much. Oops, that gesture was too male, wasn't it?"

It was that internalized transphobia that caused me to say to myself, "I hope she doesn't regret what she's doing." I was thinking about the ridicule, the feeling of not measuring up, the fear of looking ridiculous, when I thought those words. I know that now.

I can relate about not wanting to be found out, too. That's why no picture of me stays here for long--I'm not out to everyone on the net, and my brothers would likely be mortified if they knew I posted here. So I don't post much about my family or personal life here, for fear they'd accidentally find it and figure out who wrote it.

I don't know what to say to reassure you, K.T., other than what you're going through is normal. I'd even go so far as to say it's commonplace among those of us in the TG community. Self-loathing is part of the package, I'm afraid, triggered from both the outside and within. Thankfully, for me, it's finally subsiding, and it will for you too.

And Katie--or K.T.--one last thing. I don't hate you, and I think I can safely say no one else here does, either. You and your stories are a treasure, and we're glad you're here.