Well, the last little while, along with being in a bad place PTSD-wise, I have seen my gender dysphoria levels skyrocket.

I am not sure what's going on but I would like it to stop now ...

Well, when the day started, it was a pain and cane day.

Then it was a blood and bad memories day.

but then we found a beautiful model of a planetarium that lights up with Christmas lights, and that made the day much better ..

Hey guys and gals,

some of you might have been wondering just where I vanished off to.
Well, that is a complicated question.
The truth is I have a kind of- I wouldn't say existential crisis, but sort of yeah.

I have come to realize that my PTSD is about more than my rapes. Its every little trauma that followed the same neural pathway like little streams following the path of a mighty river. No wonder that by the time I finally sought help I had such a mess in my head ...

I just got out of bed this Thankgiving morning. We've had a busy week, and today will be no exception. It would be easy to complain about all the work and all the fuss, the traffic everything else that this season brings. But you know, I'm here in a warm house that I co-own with the bank; out front there's a reliable car, my refrigerator is full of food, so much so it was a chore to find room for the Thanksgiving turkey prior to roasting.

okay so new computer mostly up and running but pidgeon is a problem as I do not remember how to reach the chat site help?

Those whom we will never forget.

Save me a seat guys, for I will be along soon enough. I miss you all, and I still owe you a dance Bobby.

Absent comrades.

I went off on a Facebook rant that accused everyone that supported Trump of being complicit in his bigotry and were just as much as a bigot as he was.

I am starting to worry about crazypagangurl, aka Tiffany. She hasnt been online in days, and didnt answer when I tried calling. if anybody knows another way to get a hold of her, and/or knows anything, and can share?

The quote is of course, courtesy Monty Python, and fortunately, I'm luckier than the fellow in the sketch. See, I dodged a bullet in terms of my liver. CT scan showed the same level of fatty tissue as before, so for now, its exercise, diet, and keep an eye on things. Also good news, despite the pain I have been feeling in my hip the last while, no signs of further arthritic damage, so my doctor said its most likely a pulled muscle or strained tendon, and again, losing weight would be the best thing I can do for it.

I just dreamed I was in a horror movie fighting a demon possessed high school girl, who would have kicked my ass if it hadnt used the very artifact it wanted from me to create a time paradox.

Dont ask me, folks, I just get the dreams ...

Spot the related musical reference.

What was headlining at Shrewsbury in August. Pure class.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8sWPjYe1tw

While it feels like I've had to apologize pretty often in this space, I feel like I owe something to the people who have faithfully read my stories, and apologize for the fact that it might be a while before I have anything for you all.

Serious lack of spoons lately, with a lot of things on my plate that I havent been handling as well as i would like. But dont give up on me yet, I'm gonna get through this - I hope ...

BCTS needs our support, Personally I am leaning hard on this site to keep me the living side of sane, even though I can't really afford it I am sending my usual $10 via Paypal. I feel people are taking Big Closet for granted, I don't. I dread the day I click my bookmark and get a site not found message. If that ever happens Big Closet will likely be gone for good, I don't think anyone will step up to replace it.

Firstly I should apologise for another whiney post - I'm not in a good place in my head this week.

I guess it's largely my own fault, decisions i've made that have maybe not been the best choices. Every time I think i've got my head and life together another spanner falls into the works and i'm not even back to where I started. Effectively i'm bankrupt - no regular income and bills that need paying has become a repeating cycle of worry.

I am in a weird place at the moment. Its kinda like this: (part of my brain): "Any moment now, my facade of happiness will crack, and I'll tumble into a depression ..... any moment now .... I'm braced, I'm ready, bring on the sad .... any time now ... (taps a foot ) ... yeah, it will sure will be awful .... when that big downer hits .... any time now ..."

and on and on like that ...

I have just returned from my forty-fifth high school reunion and I would like to tell you about a lesson I learned. (Yes, I can still be taught at my age). I had not managed to attend many reunions over the years and I went to this one to see if any of the people I knew would be there. I wanted to find out if they behaved any differently from our time in high school.

That I wasn't able to post a new chapter today - my day trip was something i'd pretty much forgotten about but I really wanted to do.

What was it I hear you ask? Well for those who do history, specifically English history, I spent the day doing Richard III, Bosworth Battlefield, the Greyfriars excavation site and visitor centre and his last resting place, Leicester Cathedral. Just because it was there I visited the medieval Guildhall too - quite a full day!

okay for someone who doesnt actually watch that much TV anymore, other than sports and Dr. Who. (and Agents of Shield), my subconscious seems to have been infected by TV shows.

Twice in the last week or so I have had dreams of being an actress on TV shows. The first time I played a young woman who had been a pioneer in getting an education in the early 1900's, and returned home to her small town in Eastern Canada, faced people who dismissed her because of her youth and gender, and helped solve a mystery.

Ok, it is time for some major explanations.

Let me commence by saying that I have a new birthday - 18th September.

For about the billionth time this year, I drove (this time accompanied by my beloved) from the UK to Switzerland. As we left the house in England I thought; "That's funny. The left side of my mouth is all tingly." We drove on and then I got a tingly sensation in my left hand, outside fingers.

Tomorrow will be a busy day.

I am expecting to have to run to Sam's school and the morning, because the disabled transport will probably drop her off early again.

Then I got to come home, find time to get some groceries done, go back and take Sam home, and then go to my friend and pick up a key to their place so I can dog sit this weekend, and probably wont be on during the weekend either.

so have a couple of extra huggles each to tide you all over till I'm back.

Well, had a stressful afternoon.

I had to get a sticker so I can park on my street during stadium events, which requires my car registration. and then I discovered that my registration had lapsed in July. Not only that my insurance card was not up to date either.

I was starting to do the beat myself up stuff, but I was able to get a hold of my insurance company and they sent a copy of my updated insurance to the registry office, and with that, I was able to get my registry updated.

Just a quick update on me and me asking you guys to help me find new stories to read that I can get into. My health is improving although I’m still in the hospital, I was in the midst of a very severe Anorexia episode and now I’m improving although it hasn’t come easy. As for the stories I like, it varies. I love Tiffany Shar’s stories, Sue Brown,Torrey,Zoe Taylor, Paula Dillon, Jennifer Sue, Jennifer Brock. I could list at least 20 but I think you guys get the point.