Autobiographical

Turmoil in progress.....

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Things in my life are a mess and I feel like things just keep adding up. It seems like everything I do just makes things worse. I’m losing everyone that ever cared about me and I’m not too sure how much more I have to endure before things settle. First I lost the one person on here who would even talk to me. Then I lose my husband who decided to cheat on me. Now I’m losing my family because they think I don’t deserve them anymore. I’ve had to move into an apartment with just me and my kids. It’s just awful, my life is just falling apart on me and I just have nothing left.

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a pain and cane day ends in the discovery of beauty

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Well, when the day started, it was a pain and cane day.

Then it was a blood and bad memories day.

but then we found a beautiful model of a planetarium that lights up with Christmas lights, and that made the day much better ..

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a wistful day for my mom

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My mom is having a wistful day today, as it is the anniversary of the birth of her oldest child - who tragically died two days after being born.

I have often wondered if the fact that he died, and both me and my older brother both almost died as babies plays into the fact I'm trans ...

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12 - Why you haven't heard from me in months

Hey guys and gals,

some of you might have been wondering just where I vanished off to.
Well, that is a complicated question.
The truth is I have a kind of- I wouldn't say existential crisis, but sort of yeah.

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PTSD revelation

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I have come to realize that my PTSD is about more than my rapes. Its every little trauma that followed the same neural pathway like little streams following the path of a mighty river. No wonder that by the time I finally sought help I had such a mess in my head ...

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a profound moment at the pool?

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I went to a local pool today, and they have a "lazy river". It was really nice and kind of fun to let the current take me along, but there was always the security in knowing that if I wasnt happy with where I was going all I had to do was stand up. Gee, there might be something profound in that, dont you think?

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Just a moment to be thankful

I just got out of bed this Thankgiving morning. We've had a busy week, and today will be no exception. It would be easy to complain about all the work and all the fuss, the traffic everything else that this season brings. But you know, I'm here in a warm house that I co-own with the bank; out front there's a reliable car, my refrigerator is full of food, so much so it was a chore to find room for the Thanksgiving turkey prior to roasting.

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writing update

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wanted to give you guys an update. Now that my new computer is up and running, I am hoping to get back to writing as my spoons allow. unfortunately, as the two projects I have on the go are longer than my usual, including one I hope to make into my entry in the next contest, it will be a while before I have something to share with you all.

But I'll still be my usual comment-happy self, so no worries there ....

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I'm Me

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Sometimes I Can't Hold It In Any More

Joannebarbarella

I suppose I am what you can categorise as a frustrated transsexual. I am not a crossdresser although I dress in women's clothes as often as I can. I don't regard this as crossdressing. All I am doing is dressing in the clothes in which I should have been dressing all my life. Circumstances have prevented me from assuming my true sex throughout my life, so that I have had to masquerade as a man for more than sixty years.

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November - Sandal's?

Just a quickie - well I got my ride in, 115km (that's @ 75 old fashioned miles I think) and visited the Sandal's up near Wakefield. Had my sandwich and flask of coffee sat overlooking the Castle which, after the 'good ole boys' (aka the Parliamentarians, think Trump but with a more vindictive nature) got done with it in the 1640's is but a shadow of its former self.

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Suicide Seriously Considered Need Advice dealing with it.

I went off on a Facebook rant that accused everyone that supported Trump of being complicit in his bigotry and were just as much as a bigot as he was.

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worried about crazypagangurl

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I am starting to worry about crazypagangurl, aka Tiffany. She hasnt been online in days, and didnt answer when I tried calling. if anybody knows another way to get a hold of her, and/or knows anything, and can share?

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Sick

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I'm sick today, apparently the victim of a bad breakfast bar yesterday. This feels like it is going to be a 12-36 hour thing, so I expect to be okay tomorrow evening.

Today is when I meant to send out checks to the DP authors; I may be a day or so late since concentration while throwing up and running for the toilet is difficult.

So sorry. I will try again in an hour or so.

Hugs,
Erin

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"Can we have your liver then?"

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The quote is of course, courtesy Monty Python, and fortunately, I'm luckier than the fellow in the sketch. See, I dodged a bullet in terms of my liver. CT scan showed the same level of fatty tissue as before, so for now, its exercise, diet, and keep an eye on things. Also good news, despite the pain I have been feeling in my hip the last while, no signs of further arthritic damage, so my doctor said its most likely a pulled muscle or strained tendon, and again, losing weight would be the best thing I can do for it.

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How can I help?

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It is safe to say that without Big Closet. "Dorothy" would not exist. In fact its debatable whether I would even be alive now had I not found this site. Which is why the constant struggles to keep the site financially afloat has me worried, and more than a little frustrated.

See, I am on disability, and once I take care of my rent, car, and food, I might have maybe 20 bucks a month left over, and that's on a good month. Not to mention my mom is covering for me in terms of giving money to my ex and my daughter and that's far from fair.

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still more strange dreams

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I just dreamed I was in a horror movie fighting a demon possessed high school girl, who would have kicked my ass if it hadnt used the very artifact it wanted from me to create a time paradox.

Dont ask me, folks, I just get the dreams ...

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it feels like I am apologizing a lot lately

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While it feels like I've had to apologize pretty often in this space, I feel like I owe something to the people who have faithfully read my stories, and apologize for the fact that it might be a while before I have anything for you all.

Serious lack of spoons lately, with a lot of things on my plate that I havent been handling as well as i would like. But dont give up on me yet, I'm gonna get through this - I hope ...

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Wendy's Challenge

BCTS needs our support, Personally I am leaning hard on this site to keep me the living side of sane, even though I can't really afford it I am sending my usual $10 via Paypal. I feel people are taking Big Closet for granted, I don't. I dread the day I click my bookmark and get a site not found message. If that ever happens Big Closet will likely be gone for good, I don't think anyone will step up to replace it.

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some good news about Sam's future.

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Okay so I got some good news about Sam's future.

Apparently there is a program offered at NAIT that will allow her to take cooking arts there even if she doesnt have a GED. Not only that, it is specifically set up for people with mental disabilities like Sam, and they will also help her find a job in the field when she's done.

It all sounds fantastic ...

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bad head place

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Firstly I should apologise for another whiney post - I'm not in a good place in my head this week.

I guess it's largely my own fault, decisions i've made that have maybe not been the best choices. Every time I think i've got my head and life together another spanner falls into the works and i'm not even back to where I started. Effectively i'm bankrupt - no regular income and bills that need paying has become a repeating cycle of worry.

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Head work

So, here we are 3/4's of 2018 has passed and my life has changed even from six months ago. Some things like my fitness and the new grand child have been very positive but it's not all been a bed of roses. Some ancient debts caught up with me which has meant having to borrow a significant amount which in turn has meant that i've been living on beans for much of the year! Then there was all the upheaval with the new kitchen....

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any moment now ...

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I am in a weird place at the moment. Its kinda like this: (part of my brain): "Any moment now, my facade of happiness will crack, and I'll tumble into a depression ..... any moment now .... I'm braced, I'm ready, bring on the sad .... any time now ... (taps a foot ) ... yeah, it will sure will be awful .... when that big downer hits .... any time now ..."

and on and on like that ...

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Guten Tag

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News from Maddy!

So here I am - sat outside a restaurant in Nordlingen eating Gnochi Gorgonzola and drinking beer, wearing shorts and sandals as it's into the 20's c!

My stint as Nena, tour guide is 80% over as we fly home tomorrow. We've had a day doing the Roman Limes (think Hadrian's Wall but longer) around Aalen, yesterday we went down to the Donau for a Keltische visit and today has been the hillfort of Ipf before an afternoon here in the Ries crater at Nordlingen.

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I would say that stories about growing up are pretty close to being real

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I have just returned from my forty-fifth high school reunion and I would like to tell you about a lesson I learned. (Yes, I can still be taught at my age). I had not managed to attend many reunions over the years and I went to this one to see if any of the people I knew would be there. I wanted to find out if they behaved any differently from our time in high school.

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okay this is getting ridiculous

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Okay so this is getting ridiculous.

Last night I again dreamed of being an actress, this time with a guest role on Buffy the Vampire Slayer as a mystic healer who also worked as a nurse at Sunnydale hospital and helped Buffy and the gang, and then had to treat Spike who had been hurt during a battle.

Help!

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sorry

That I wasn't able to post a new chapter today - my day trip was something i'd pretty much forgotten about but I really wanted to do.

What was it I hear you ask? Well for those who do history, specifically English history, I spent the day doing Richard III, Bosworth Battlefield, the Greyfriars excavation site and visitor centre and his last resting place, Leicester Cathedral. Just because it was there I visited the medieval Guildhall too - quite a full day!

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my brain, she is weird

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Remember how the other day I talked about dreaming I was an actress on TV shows? Well, last night, I dreamed I was in a B movie, playing a scientist who was stuck in a groundhog day style time loop by a nuclear explosion, trying to use what they learned every "day" to get closer to stopping it. But to make things weirder, I also played the coo coo for coco-puffs head of the military base who set off the explosion, which gave me an opportunity to ham it up, especially at the end when the scientist found a way to stop the explosion, leaving the head of the base babbling about "But I won!

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two very strange dreams

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okay for someone who doesnt actually watch that much TV anymore, other than sports and Dr. Who. (and Agents of Shield), my subconscious seems to have been infected by TV shows.

Twice in the last week or so I have had dreams of being an actress on TV shows. The first time I played a young woman who had been a pioneer in getting an education in the early 1900's, and returned home to her small town in Eastern Canada, faced people who dismissed her because of her youth and gender, and helped solve a mystery.

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FULL on Rant !!!

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I hope this sounds full on pissed off and not whiney.

I've been out and living as a woman since 2004, and have been treated by the normals (Muggles) amazingly well, though in the last year, it has been getting more and more difficult to pass well.

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Life-style change

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Ok, it is time for some major explanations.

Let me commence by saying that I have a new birthday - 18th September.

For about the billionth time this year, I drove (this time accompanied by my beloved) from the UK to Switzerland. As we left the house in England I thought; "That's funny. The left side of my mouth is all tingly." We drove on and then I got a tingly sensation in my left hand, outside fingers.

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Madeline rides again!

I've now got my head a bit sorted and the time to post more than a couple of sentences.

Where to start? I've given little snippets about my recent trip to Germania but not much real insight. The more nerdy readers may recall that the main focus of the road trip was to ride the Eddy Merckx Classic event in the Salzkammergut east of Salzburg. It was a significant step on my recovery from last year's medical issues and on that score it was certainly revealing.

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probably wont be on tomorrow, or the weekend

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Tomorrow will be a busy day.

I am expecting to have to run to Sam's school and the morning, because the disabled transport will probably drop her off early again.

Then I got to come home, find time to get some groceries done, go back and take Sam home, and then go to my friend and pick up a key to their place so I can dog sit this weekend, and probably wont be on during the weekend either.

so have a couple of extra huggles each to tide you all over till I'm back.

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sorry, folks

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I was hoping to have "Synchronicity" finished and up by now, but the last while PTSD issues and depression have taken my writing spoons. Not sure when I'll have it finished, or when I'll have serious work done on my other unfinished stuff.

Sorry.

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stressful day

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Well, had a stressful afternoon.

I had to get a sticker so I can park on my street during stadium events, which requires my car registration. and then I discovered that my registration had lapsed in July. Not only that my insurance card was not up to date either.

I was starting to do the beat myself up stuff, but I was able to get a hold of my insurance company and they sent a copy of my updated insurance to the registry office, and with that, I was able to get my registry updated.

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busy week

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just letting everybody know, I'm going to be rather busy the next couple of days. so if you try and contact me, and I'm not on, it means i'm either a) running around like a chicken with its head cut off, or b) sleeping or possibly c) both.

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Health update & Story help.

Just a quick update on me and me asking you guys to help me find new stories to read that I can get into. My health is improving although I’m still in the hospital, I was in the midst of a very severe Anorexia episode and now I’m improving although it hasn’t come easy. As for the stories I like, it varies. I love Tiffany Shar’s stories, Sue Brown,Torrey,Zoe Taylor, Paula Dillon, Jennifer Sue, Jennifer Brock. I could list at least 20 but I think you guys get the point.

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Slow Progress

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It is tough going at the moment. I am still writing, though I seem to keep finding other things that need doing.

Since the original episode, I have been on steroids now for nearly five years. This is making my consultant nervous, so he has decided to do something drastic. Since that time, medical techniques have moved on and there are apparently new ways of dealing with my condition.

Basically, it amounts to chemotherapy.

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I am ashamed

I haven't posted in a while because I am ashamed of myself. When my internet went out mid July I thought it was going to be a month or so to get it fixed. My roommate would not hear of using my phone to tether the net to my computer to my phone (in her world the phone is better) I snapped I tried to hurt myself with a fork in what amounts to a temper tantrum. It shocked me to something closer to sanity. I didn't succeed because I was not serous, like I said it was a temper tantrum, pure and simple.

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