I will try to make this brief. I am a 64yo (65 in July) mtf pre-op ts since 1990.

From an early age I remember being fascinated with my mother's clothing. But I had other things that may have influenced that.

For one, my mother was given DES to prevent miscarriages. So there is a chance my chromosomes were messed with.

Mom and Dad argued all the time, usually about his drinking and driving and me. Their divorce was final before my brother was born, four months before my fifth birthday. I was jealous.

When I started school I was very hyper. I could not sit still or steady my hand. The school made me repeat kindergarten. The school psychologist strongly suggested Mom enroll me in child mental health. I began to see a female therapist twice a week. When my peers found out I was ostracized for seven school years. I was labeled M.R., when all I probably had was ADHD.

I only remember seeing my dad twice. Once when he took us to the Japanese tea garden and his apartment. I spent most of the time playing his phonograph.

The next, and last time I saw him was the Friday before he flew to Reno with his paycheck. May 7,1964 was a Thursday and the morning my dad's plane crashed, killing all 44. That was two months before my 10th birthday.

What I do remember is no boy wanted to play with me. Mom was a member of the morning 'coffee clatch' and I played with the children that came with their mothers. For some reason they were all girls. I began to see things and feel things through girls' eyes.

At some point I tried on Mom's pantyhose. She came into the room. All she said was, "when you're done fold them and put them back where you found them." Nothing more was ever said. But soon I had my own room and my own 'stash' of panties and hose. During puberty it was all about the pleasure and release. But there was something about wearing nylons and nylon nightgowns. I loved wearing dresses.

I had girls that were friends, but I was too shy and scared to think any of them would want to go out with me.

I had one girlfriend in high school. But she hurt me real bad and I was empty inside. Until I met a girl that lost her parents, sister and brother in a house fire and she was talking about having joy. I knew whatever she had I wanted. I made Jesus the captain of my journey that night and I have never regretted it.

While working with a communal ministry I met a woman I believed I was in love with. When we met she said she was a returning Christian. I found out later she only said this to get me to stop talking about Jesus. We married and a year later had a boy. One year later another boy and the following year a girl. I guess she got tired of living with a Christian crossdresser. She was repulsed when I did. So I suppressed the desire. It increased my frustrations. One day I came home and they were all gone and no one was talking. I lost them all....for two years. I had no idea where they were. Until two years later when I received a letter from the court saying it was just discovered I was alive. I'm sure glad they told me. I was really feeling dead inside.

My wife had given up our children to social services, telling them I died. So began a program of reunification. The only problem is I had to move to the county they lived and get a job. I went through three jobs, and the last one was in the middle of a court injunction. I put up a strong fight, but I was no match for social services shenanigans. I was informed by my attorney that the judge already made the decision to place them up for adoption. I just did not have the support they needed by myself. So I lost.

That was 1985. I decided I needed to work on ME! I needed to get my life together. My wife wanted a divorce. I did not believe in divorce, but as an unbeliever she has the right to ask for one.

At the same time I met a lovely Christian lady. She was in a wheelchair and needed someone to help her on a daily basis. So 1985 was a pivotal year for me. I lost my children to the hungry adoption monster, filed for divorce and became a homecare worker.

My client was very understanding and helpful through everything. What happened was we became a couple before we even knew it. Neither of us were looking for a relationship, but we did have one, and it grew. We finally married in 1987.

We had a fun time. Instead of being repulsed by my crossdressing, she encouraged it, asking me how it felt and was it just the clothes, or did I want to be a woman. At the time I said it was just the clothes. But the more I dressed at home, the more I wanted to go out, which led to putting on makeup and jewelry. After that, it was just a matter of time before I said I want to live fulltime. Once I did that, our church kicked us out.

We had gone back to school, by way of the community college. I transitioned there. I started as a male with male name, went androgynous for a while, then finally went totally female and had everyone call me by my femme name. My biology instructor loved it. He said I was very good for the other students. It was good for them to see life was not black and white, but a whole lotta grey.

We had to move to another college to finish and by then I had my ID changed to include my femme name, so I was only known as female there. Everyone knew I was trans, but there was respect for LGBT. We were both members of clubs and senators of the student body. When there were long meetings we used to discuss certain points at the mirror, while fixing our looks, in the womens room. Like I said, no one had a problem with me.

At one point, my wife went in for a hysterectomy and came out diabetic. She lived with it for ten years. She graduated with four degrees and thirteen certificates. She could take an outline and make it into a 50 word paper or a 500 word paper. She could do the accounting for a business and won many blue ribbons for needlecrafts at the county fair. One year later she had a TIA (small stroke) and lost all of it. Couldn't even make a shopping list or cook something in the microwave. A year later she was gone. Her heart gave out at 57. I could not get out of my recliner and function for a month and a half.

The woman that took me through my 'teenager' years to womanhood was gone. I was lost. I didn't know what to do. Everywhere I went was a memory of us. Finally I had to move away from that area. Four hours away I became homeless. The gay church helped. I began to volunteer to help the LGBT community fight the marriage bill before it was Prop 8. That is where I met my current wife, Roxanne.

We said our vows to each other Feb 24 2000. We will have been together nineteen years this February.

In 2002 we moved to Oregon to help a friend. Things did not go well and we ended up in Portland. Another pre-op ts took us in. We stayed with her until an emergency made us move back to California.

At on point she took us to an alternative lifestyles party. There were men and women on leashes with blindfolds or hoods. We learned about being a sub in a loving consensual D/s relationship. I became our landlord's sub and proudly wore her collar. She was training Roxanne to be a domme. During the day I was the housekeeper. When our landlord got home I was her sub.

She took me to that years' Kinkfest. Wow! What an eye-opener! I loved it, like a kid in a candy store. Corsets, costumes, caning, whips, racks, human furniture, human pets with 'pet paws'. Those were so cute. I wanted to be a pet and walk on a leash.

I had the most loving time with my mistress. There was no force or hurting to hurt. If I got spanked for misbehaving it was because I liked it. It was a sad time when we had to go. Mistress went on to Thailand and had her surgery, but died shortly thereafter.

In 2007 Roxanne became diabetic. Now she cannot walk. I have been her home care worker the whole time. Now she is on oxygen.

In 2011 DMV sent me a letter telling me I could not have the opposite gender marker on my ID anymore unless I had written proof of having the SRS, and no name change unless there is a court order. If I didn't have these my name would have to revert back to my name on my birth certificate.

So here I was, with C cups, with a male ID. I tried it for a while, but it became tedious. So I finally had to stop the HRT and revert back to being male. I took it as a sign from God. Only I have the same problem as before. I have no idea how to do that. It wasn't working out before, and in seven years it is worse.

Roxanne went by ambulance to emergency the Monday before Thanksgiving 2017 because she could not breathe. They said all her levels were low and she had an enlarged heart. I thought, 'here we go again'. I began to freak out. I began to think about not having her in my life and how I would live. I would have to retire and go on Social Security. I would have to move into senior housing. At that point I realized I didn't want that. I began to think about when in my life I was truly happy. That is when I remembered being a sub and wanting to be a pet.

I began to look online for mistresses that would be interested. I was about to give up. Then I found this fendom site that I thought was just stories to read. Turned out to be a VL(Virtual Life) RP(Role Play) site. When I explained my quest they convinced me to play the same character in VL and put the RL (Real Life) quest on hold. So I did. I became a man transformed into a female, that was further transformed into a Neko. Now I am a Neko Relaxation Nurse and Sister Mentor, whose adopted mom is VP of the institute. At least in VL I am happy and fulfilled. I am even close to being engaged to another nurse that has twin girls.

IRL(In Real Life) we are living with her family, soon to be in our own place again. From the RP site I learned the bill from 2011 was challenged and we can now have both name and marker changed. I now have papers to file with the court to have my name and marker changed on my birth certificate. Take that DMV! Now all I need is to get an appointment with an endocrinologist to reinstate my HRT.

As for here. I learned of you from the RP site. I have loved the stories. Especially Second Chance, River, the House, the House that Love Built, Trials and Tribulations of being a girl, and Gabby. I have never been a gamer of any kind or done any RP, except as a sub. I have never written anything except the autobiography of my life to my children. I tried write some fendom for the RP site, but that is all. I will probably never write anything here, but if I do I will approve it through Erin.

I know this is long, but I wanted you to hear my story. So I apologise, but to quote another on here, I am aging disgracefully.

With love, ReubyLouise