When I was little, I had this rather bad habit of trying to lecture bullies on why it was bad to bully. Of course, that usually resulted in me getting pounded, me running for my life, or my brother trying his best to protect me.

All these years later, I still jump in when I see people getting hurt, even though there is nothing I can do except lecture people from behind my computer, and it has cost me more than I would like.

But I dont know how not to fight for what I think is right.

In Pathfinder terms, I guess I'm a Paladin, whether I want to be or not ...

Birthdays have always been a bit strange for me. Growing up, it never worked out for people to be available on the actual day, so if I wanted a party, it would always have to happen a couple of days later, to the point I started joking about "unbirthdays" like in the cartoon version of Alice in Wonderland.

Usually the actual day of my birthday was a quiet one spent alone, and this year is no exception.

I dont mind so much now, especially since I do get nice messages online from friends to keep me company.

Oh, if you havent guessed, today is my birthday ...

I don't know where she's gone. And I miss her.

I was having a conversation with my brother today and was talking about "life without people" which is this fascinating show, and then I apologized for going on about it.

Now, I'm wondering why I was apologizing.

Who taught me that my interests weren't important enough to share?

Sighs ...

I had to go downtown today to see my doctor. It turned out to be a fairly good visit.

A large part of that is the fact that I have a new doctor now, one who has had no issues with listening to what I have to say. Considering that I have had, with more doctors than I care into get into details about, bad history due to them NOT listening, she's a miracle.

Father's day is always kinda weird for me.

I lost my dad so young I dont remember him, and my stepdad was a horrible abusive person I could never call "dad".

But my mom did her best for me, my brother protected me, and my grandfather gave me a positive role model for men.

Then there is the fact that I am a father, even though I have felt more like a girl than a boy for 90 % of my life, and have finally embraced and integrated that girl into myself and let her become the woman she should have always had been.

Like I said, Father's day is weird for me ...

Went for an appointment today, with no attendant. I'll be doing this more and more in the future, Still haven't figured out how to dress myself, that comes later. Lately I've been very depressed, to the point of thinking the unthinkable. The reasons I didn't do it a long while back still hold true, I am very aware how much it hurts the people we leave behind.

Caution: Discussion of suicide

Just wanted to publicly thank crazypagangurl, who talked me through a flashback last night. Thanks, hon!

That look on my face is terror.
{img}20180606_152621.jpg{/img}

My life the roller-coaster.

Went from the amazing high of seeing Weird Al in concert (Thanks to Mike and Carol) to literally holding a stuffie against my mouth so no one would hear me scream as one of the worst waves of dysphoria I have had in a very long time kicked my butt.

Sighs ..

when I first started my transition, I went to the Bay (a Canadian version of Walmart, without the low prices, for those who dont know) and got some makeup tips and supplies. Well, its umm ... some years later, and I am going to be doing something like that again, this time with an actual goal in mind - to look as close to pretty as I am capable for a concert, or at least that's my plan.

Dont know if an opportunity will present itself for me to take a photo, but if it does, I'll share it ...

Four months ago, I posted a piece that had pretty much everyone who commented upset at what I had written.

I had no issue with their comments, other than that I took the time to put up a bunch of legal info to support my thoughts.

Then another person posted, using the Guest Reader option, and proceeded to be initially mildly rude, then more so and outright abusive.

When I saw the comment, I sent a PM to Erin, asking for it to be unsubbed as it was an outright Rule 1 violation.

(caution tag just because...)

Alright, so this is my 4th blog post in as many days. Out of character much? Maaaybe.

This account has been active a little over 7 years and all that time has seen 5 blogs by yours truly, including this one. No other writing credits and only the occasional comment to say I've ever existed here at BCTS. Why then am I suddenly chatty? Simply put, why not?

So not one of my better days yesterday. After dealing with 30 degree Celsius heat, I went to go on the chat site only to be given some error message. After panicking and leaving a message here, i eventually tried the obvious -reboot and log back in, and it worked. With that little problem solved, I decided I needed to go see a movie, and went to Deadpool 2.

Well, I am probably going to be at the hospital all day today, as my daughter Samantha is going in for surgery.

Wish us all good luck.

I am extremely fortunate to count Dorthy Coleen and Rebeca Jane,and Arwen of Arwen Arwen's tears as my friends. I have my share of bad dreams, they have been wearing me down in the form of depression, I take it on faith I will recover from my stroke, I don't feel I have any other choice, My phone is my lifeline, Rachael Ann, Long time user of BCTS stepped forward to give me someone to talk to. I feel guilty keeping Rebeca from her writing, as I enjoy it too. But it got me through the night. As did Dot on the BCTS chat room on a particularly bad night.

If you're on Facebook, and want a join a group that focuses on being nice, here is one I've joined :

https://www.facebook.com/groups/2135830679765650/

I was looking at my account info here, and discovered that my 9th anniversary of being on this site had come and gone without me noticing.

Ah, well, belated happy anniversary to me.

You guys are still the best bunch of crazies I've found yet ...

okay, so anyone following this blog knows the last while has not been very good for me.

Today kinda made up for it.

First, it was a hot day, so I decided to break out a skirt for the first time this year, and while I was out walking the dog, an elderly lady complimented me on my outfit, making me blush.

Then, tonight, I took Sharon and Samantha to a pizza place for supper, and as I got out of the car, Samantha remarked on the skirt, suggesting that I might want shorts under it in case a breeze blew it up, and Sharon agreed.

Oh, wait, that darn crazy git is me! Ack!

Well, another year has gone by and I'm still kicking and fighting, not fighting in the physical sense so much as fighting the depression that comes up now and then. I'm not dealing with serious depression at the moment, so I'll take that as a bonus.

Anywho, I'm sitting here staring at the computer screen, I'm officially 52 years old and I want to live a damn lot longer!

I hope everyone else is having a good day today; I'll be heading for bed in a while, I'm starting to wind down now.

I am in a frustrating place in terms of my writing. I can visualize the final chapter of "By the rivers of Babylon", but when it comes to actually writing words ... I seem to be stuck.

sighs, I really wanted to try and finish that story so I could move on to other things ...

well, I think I spoke too soon about my depression lifting. I'm in a bad place where the only relief I seem to get from sadness is just being numb.

Worse, my writing has dried up, leaving me without one of my major outlets for dealing with crap.

I'm sorry to have to ask, but all hugs, prayers, or positives about me are appreciated.

Well, after spending the last five days in a massive depression, I seem to slowly getting back up. Still, if anybody wants to send hugs or anything, I'll be glad to take them ...