I had a major accomplishment today.

I was able to go to my bank and get a direct deposit form filled out and a printout of my account history for the last three months, - both of which I need for my application for emergency assistance.

Why is that a major accomplishment?

Because for the three days prior to today, I have been planning to do this, only to be foiled by massive levels of anxiety.

So despite still having that anxiety today, the fact I was able to get this done is a major thing.

I am having a particularly unpleasant visitor at the moment - Mr. Nasty himself, the "voice" who tells me how worthless I am.

So even though it feels like I've been doing this a lot lately, i once again am asking for any positive messages you can send me.

Thank you to all who read this little blog and support me.

So this will be a real quick update.

I just wanted to let everyone know that the building inspector was out at my house on Friday. He told us that if we sealed the floor with Kilz paint then we would be allowed back in. I'm happy to report that he came by this morning, was here for about 5 minutes and told me it was good to live in. The house is no longer condemned. So I'm not in fear of losing my home or my dog as of right now.

We shall see about the future. One day at a time now :).

To Austria after two longish daysof travel. So today is free to do whatever so we take the gondola up the local 1700m plus mountain - pretty tame really except it was snowing at the top. Not just a dusting either as we found out when we took the short scenic walk as a) it as still snowing so blanking any views and b) we were pathfinding through several inches of the white stuff on a rocky and rooty route. That meant that Dad was struggling a bit in places as he's not brilliant on his feet but we made it none the less.

Sorry there's probably not going to be a new chapter this week.

This has been the week from hell for me. By far the worse week in my life, worse than last year when my dog died. So last Tuesday---as I'm sure some of you know from my blog---my aunt fell and hit her head. She was later unresponsive and sent to the hospital via Mercy Flight. I was later told that if she had a DNR, they probably wouldn't have even bothered with surgery. Right now she's currently in the ICU in a vegetative state. They're not even sure if she'll ever recover.

I am writing this to explain my actions of the last months. The reason for the delay was to let my feelings settle so I have a reasonable expectation that I would not be saying anything rash and hurting feelings.

It seems clear now that I am finished writing as Gwen Brown. In the unlikely event that someone would want to use any of my ideas or story devices, just contact me at [email protected].

I am pleased to announce that a story of mine - "Tears from a bottle" has now been published in my church's monthly bulletin. If you're curious about the story, you can read it here:

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/35262/tears-from-bottle

Today was the first day of my new job. I recently accepted a position as Director of Transportation for Belk Stores, which those of you who live in the Southeast US may recognize. I spent about half of my day in orientation, completing paperwork, and meeting people. The other half I spent discussing the position and the direction they are looking to go. I sincerely love my boss! He has basically given me Carte Blanche to do what I want as long as I get them their numbers.

I had a close call tonight and now I have three lines by my wrist my doctor needs to never screw up like this again.

She wrote two of my prescriptions for the wrong date and my anti-depressants for 2010 so I haven't had them for a while and then she wasn't there for a couple weeks. I finally got them today.

Now I have my aunts funeral to go to today.

well, in case I didn't have enough stress, my car is now in the shop being repaired, which will wipe out what little of my bank account I have left. The anxiety over this has caused my muse to go hiding, so I cant say when or even if I'll have something new for you guys, and I'm sorry.

Anybody got a hug or two they can spare?

When I was young, one of the more odd ways the genders differed was that men did not go without socks if they were wearing shoes. This was really hammered home for me when an actor on a TV show broke that stereotype, and people acted like he had taken up dancing in a pink tutu.

So deeply ingrained in me was this idea, along with a lack of confidence in my own lower parts, that even when I wore women's clothes, I always wore at least nylons with them. This continued even after I donated the last of my male clothes and had gone full time - socks or nylons were a must.

what would you do if a dream told you you were a bad person?

This happened to me last night.

It started as what would make an interesting story on Big Closet, with me as a worker in a palace who switches bodies with a princess.

But then things got dark.

the switch is undone, but the result was that the princess got to know the real me, and didn't like what she saw, and showed me the darkness I try to keep hidden.

I sit here tonight morning someone I have never known, myself!

I have spent 47 years hiding, suppressing, and ignoring my true self. She is still a child, never given a chance to grow up. I am approaching 50 with the body of someone much older. She shall never have a chance to frolic and play as all children should. I morn the child I never was. I morn my past, my present, and my future. Cindy is not comfortable in the body of an old man, and the man has no idea what to do with the spirit of a little girl.

I've been a bit distracted and busy over the last three months or so with trying to find a new place to live.

The building that I have been in for the last twelve years will be torn down soon and will be replaced by a condominium building that will be ready in about three to four years. Tenants from my building have the option to take apartments there when it opens.

I just received confirmation that I will be moving into a new apartment, with the actual move taking place on Sunday.

I have to ask those who read, comment, and contribute content, How do you Keep going ever day?

I my self have a wreaked life, it started going bad early for me.

I going through high school was hoping to join the military to either make it a career or to pay for College.
I took the ASVAB at school and scored a 94 the first time, I had the recruiters calling every day and trying to practicallt beat my door down, but then things started going downhill.

First things first: thank you to everyone who responded, both via comment and PM, to my last blog. I was rather upset at the time (to put it mildly,) but as with so many things in life just knowing I have others around who care and understand went a long way toward helping me cope. You're all amazing.

Now, on to today's subject: The Interview.

I may be on the early side of that particular designation, but I'm pretty sure I qualify, right? Born in the late '80s, some college but no degree, blah de blah. Yep.

So here's the deal. I've spent the last 3 months looking for a new job. I've applied for quite a few, as a receptionist, at call centers, more than a few sales positions from Best Buy to Target... all in all, I've sent out probably 10 or 12 resumes/applications.

I've gotten a call back on all of 2, and an interview out of only 1.

Twelve months and one day... That's how long I've been on BC. It has been an amazing year. Writing has been a wonderful experience, publishing a story on the web is an experiment in unadulterated anxiety. I've joked with myself that there isn't a 'recall' button on stories. There is a reason why I never refer to the stories as "my story"-- always "the story" or "this story" the audience makes of the story or takes from the story what they wish. An author puts a story out there and it is no longer the author's. It is the readers' (copyrights, not withstanding-- giggles).

I think I have only mentioned this to a couple of people at Big Closet. But I'm deaf which is a challenge I use Amerivan Sign Language (ASL).I live in a foreign Country as well. My complaint or grouse is that people do not speak to me. They talk over me to my husband it's like I don't exist to them. What makes it worse is when he does the same. Although I have to say in his defense he's trying to protect me.

I have had some kind messages, enquiring about things.

Thank you for worrying, but everything (well most things anyway) are fine. The sick one in my family is the car.

As you are probably aware, I am entering into a long drawn-out phase of moving from Switzerland back to the UK. This process is planned to take a year or so. I have found a flat in Tunbridge Wells and have agreed to rent that for at least a year. As I (we) had no credit history in the UK, then we had to pay an entire year up front!

This coming weekend sees the Manchester Sparkle event, written of by Bev Taff a few times. I will be there from Saturday afternoon as I will be working on one of their 'market stalls' all Sunday for my support network.

If anyone is about, stop by and say hello!

OMG OMG OMG!!! THEY FINALLY APPROVED OF MY NEW BIRTH CERTIFICATE! THEY ARE MAILING IT AS WE SPEAK!!! *SQUEALS* I"M SO FREAKING HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, thank you to everyone who has offered condolences etc over the last fortnight since my mother passed away, it was very much appreciated.

We had the funeral this afternoon, a simple cremation as she wanted, the assembled mourners were largely family but also included many people from councillors to foster children whose lives she had touched.

I'm sure there will continue to be dark days but I think the darkest are past.

I was expecting today to be tough but it's not been too bad. Registering Mum's death was straightforward enough, the finality of that act is only just sinking in.

But that has allowed us to sort out her finances, the banks have been really helpful, even the phone company sorted things in just a few minutes.

I spent a couple of hours last night writing my contribution to Thursday's service - that brought the tears back big style. I'm not up to reading it myself, I'm not a masochist, but I feel better that I'm making a contribution.