It's been a trying week, far too many hours worked though I did learn that I'd passed my university exam so can proceed to the next level - it's like a very expensive computer game at times. Today, Saturday, is the anniversary of my son's death and I drove up to Wales and back, getting on for three hundred miles with a very early start.

Sadly we don't know where his ashes have been scattered so go up to where he used to work in the Brecon Beacons National park. Today it was overcast and very humid but the views are breathtaking with mountains in pretty well every direction. He loved working there and it's easy to see why. We saw numerous fork tailed birds of prey which could only be red kites. Last year we got soaked as the horizontal rain was taking no prisoners. It was nice to be out as a family with my ex and my daughter, though we also shed a few tears as we reflected on the absence of our loved one.

We'll never know exactly why he took his own life, though we have our own ideas, so there will always be this lack of closure and this leads to a constant frustration which we have to live with, which gnaws away at us as a family. Could we have acted to stop it - probably not because he kept everything to himself - but you still keep wondering...