and I don't mean hugging my pillow.
I AM NOT PLANNING OR THINKING ABOUT DOING ANYTHING SERIOUS TO MYSELF!
Bear in mind as you read this, if you do read it, that I can be a long-winded bitch.
I think part of it is aging and knowing that I've been here longer than I will be going forward... and I don't feel like I've accomplished anything for having existed... except existing.
Sure a big part is not being able to do those things any more that kept me feeling good about myself... and those times when I felt like I HAD accomplished something... I guess just feeling somewhat useless because I CAN'T do things any more.
I've become pretty much a shut-in, without a car and suffering from all the things that make getting older bring with them... well, that and the self abuse that I've inflicted on myself by smoking for 60 years.
My breathing is pretty much shot... COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) has rendered me breathless whenever I try to ANYTHING that resembles physical like mowing the lawn or even climbing stairs and oxygen doesn't help. In addition, my legs have begun swelling, probably because I don't walk a lot like I used to and, as a result of that, it makes me angry, frustrated and ashamed at my uselessness. Also, since I had to sell my car, I don't (read that, can't) get out any more without begging a ride or having someone pick up something for me. Thank God for Walmart and delivery of necessities and take out food from various other places.
Even my writing, which I used to think I was good at, has dried up to the point where I can't even remember the good feelings I got by creating something.
Most of the friends I went to school with are either gone... or dead and even the so-called friends I made in the military didn't remain friends after I was moved to another duty station. Guess they weren't really friends after all, huh? Of course, in my former life as a "him" I wasn't much of a human being. Selfish, greedy, self serving and uncaring about hurting others were my stock in trade. Yeah. I was a real PITA so that could be part of the aforementioned non contact thing.
My best friend, housemate, posslq (person of opposite sex sharing living quarters) is so wrapped up with her new boyfriend that she doesn't have time for me anymore and the things we used to do together have dried to a trickle, partially from my physical inability to do them any more, making me feel neglected.
I DO get calls rather regularly from a few people, checking on my "well-being" and I appreciate those calls more than I can say. They know who they are and there's no need to identify them here. Just so they know that I treasure their friendship and concern.
I put on a courageous face for just about everyone so they WON'T worry about me and yet... that feels somehow like I'm pushing away my own feelings in favor of not worrying them and ignoring what's going on inside me. I have been talking with a therapist, but even that is getting difficult since I can't get out without going through a litany of physical and breathing difficulties... and a feeling that I'm inconveniencing others with my disabilities.
Ageing sucks folks. There's no other way to say it. Unless one has the resources both physically and/or financially to easily access the things we take for granted, like shopping, or just getting out of the damned house! And, if one has abused themselves (like myself) or suffers from some other disease of some kind, there ain't a damned thing one can do but deal with it and soldier on as best one can. There are days though that... that just isn't good enough.
I feel like I should do more for others and, even though I can't, I still feel bad about myself when I can't Help more. Maybe I have a Messiah complex by wanting to help everyone or even have the ability to do just that if only I'd push myself harder. I feel crushed every time my lottery tickets don't come up winners. How sad it that? How self serving is it that I feel like I SHOULD be able to get a big winner and help those of us who need that kind of help?
I have a dream that some of you know about. It's called The Home That Love Built in my Universe, "The Home That Love Built" here at Top Shelf. If would be a place where those like us and in need, could come to and be loved and cared for and helped to have better, more productive lives. It hurts my heart and soul every time I hear or read about one us being thrown out by family and friends or being hurt and even killed by those we should be able to count on the most, or by unthinking prejudice from semi intelligent others. Barring a big influx of money, such a place can't exist and I know that, but it doesn't stop me from buying those damned lottery tickets... just in case, you know?
And I know, I KNOW that there are others out there who have it even tougher than I do and I should be grateful for what I DO have, but MAN I get frustrated with my self and my inability to do more for those who NEED someone to do more for them.
Oh well. life goes on whether I like it or not. I hope I haven't depressed anyone by what I've written in this blog, but these are things that have me feeling so down about myself and the world in general and I HAD to write them down and examine them so I could get my thoughts clear and make a clean breast of some other things.
Thanks for reading, if you got this far.
Catherine Linda Michel
Comments
sending you some huggles
hope it gets better, hon.
Hugs
*flying ninja hugs!* <-silly ice-breaker ^^
There's lots of things I could say, maybe even should say, but I'll stick with saying that my thoughts are with you. And my thoughts are hugging you with common, shared humanity.
Jenna
I'll send some huggles, too.
Cathy, I can understand some of what you are dealing with pretty well.
I may be quite a bit younger than you (I'm 52), but I have mobility issues, walking is slow at the best of times and good goddess, I can do without my hips being in serious pain so much of the time (right more than left, but they both can be a nuisance).
I don't have serious breathing issues except for having asthma and limited lung capacity when I breathe in (I found this out through a test about a year ago, it wasn't fun, I actually had to do the test twice because the first attempt didn't register properly on the machine).
I'm definitely not as active as I should be, and that's my own fault. I need to get up off my butt and do some walking or other exercises.
Like you, I'm pretty much a shut-in, but again, that's my own fault for not getting off my lazy butt. I hate going out to do grocery shopping as it usually takes me three hours, sometimes longer, before I can return home with everything and get the damn pack off my back.
Yeah, I put most of what I buy each time into my backpack after it's been paid for, then lug it all the way home on my back. Not fun.
Also like you, I'd love to help others, but the occasional bit I drop into BCTS is about as much as I can give due to other necessary expenses.
Who wouldn't want to win the lottery, and then use some of that to help out their friends? Never mind, I can answer that myself.
I've read a fair number of the stories in The Home That Love Built universe at one time or another and enjoyed them. Thanks!
If you would like to exchange phone numbers so I could perhaps text with you (less expensive than phone calls), send me a PM.
Here's a whole bunch more of huggles just to help you to feel a bit better! Take care of yourself.
Venting is good.
Bottling up these kind of things is a sure way of making them worse. It's a bit like writing that letter to the person you can't stand and would really like to throttle. You don't even have to send it to them. Just getting the feelings out helps relieve the pressure. And so getting the feelings out in this situation is good therapy.
This is your blog. You get to write what ever you want or need to write. It's our choice to read it or not. So no need to apologize. You did give a good warning when you started.
As for some practical advise. I hope that you don't mind my suggesting ways to help you deal. As for transportation; Taxis can be horribly expensive. Some alternatives may be available to you. Uber and Lyft operate in most metropolitan areas of the world at about half the cost of traditional taxis. In my area, the metropolitan bus operator provides something they call "Lift Bus" for seniors who have mobility issues at a fraction of the cost of regular transit fares. These "Lift Buses" pick you up at your door, assist in getting on the bus and drop you at your destination and assist you inside. The same is true for your return trip. The down side is that there's about an hour window for pick up and drop off. I know several people who use this to get around who couldn't do so any other way. Check with your local transit provider to see if they have such a service.
I'm beginning to feel my age a lot more than I'd like. I've always been physically active. Backpacking, hunting and fishing and day hikes for the sheer joy of being outside. Now, just getting up out my recliner requires determination. After standing I need to do a check that all moving parts are ready to function before taking my first steps. Not fun. So I can kind of sense your pain and frustration.
Hang in, know that you're loved and that we really do care.
Hugs
Patricia
Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
Ich bin ein femininer Mann
Sending some Huggles
Big Hugs and Love tmf