Well I got home, tired and complete with parent late last night.

I have spent time today considering my healing.

That I have healed much, especially in the last couple of years, has become obvious to me. I still have far to go, but I am further down the road than I ever dreamed possible.

This healing would not have been possible without all the support I've received, so thanks to all of you.

Many moons hither, a friend - to my delight - gave me a present of a bra, one which was designed to assist with what would otherwise be an atypical flatness for a female. I loved the curves this bra gave me.

Somehow, it ended up at the back of the drawer and the white straps were gently fading into yellow, and one of the hooks of the hook and eye pair needed sewing back on on one side, and so on and so forth. So said bra gradually dropped from my list of favourites - plus it didn't really sit well with the prosthetics I eventually summoned up both the courage and the dosh to buy.

I was brought to tears in church today.

See, we had a special service for pets today, and my pastor asked if I would be temporarily in charge of her dog while she conducted the service. To help keep the dog close to me she gave me a handful of treats to give out during the service.

Well, it didnt take the dog long to figure out what I had in my hand, and so became my best friend, sitting beside me and occasionally trying to sniff my hands to see which one had the treats. When I put my face close to his in response to this, he licked me.

I am 60 credits richer than I was this time last year, just need the other 300 to finish the job.Sadly this means I have to pay my fees for next year which compared to most uni fees is modest, but then the Open University is the place for autodidacts, so we get much less in return in regard to teaching. Oh well, only 5 more years to go, good job I'm such a youngster.

I can't believe that it was thirty one years ago today that I turned up in work in a two piece skirt outfit feeling incredibly nervous but also very committed to dealing with anything that happened that or subsequent days. the official grapevine had informed people what was going to happen and I must admit most of the comments I received were encouraging. I wasn't the first in the NHS to have transitioned, but in sleepy West Dorset, I was a bit of a novelty for a while.

I have been given an opportunity to participate in a writer's "bootcamp" this weekend. Even if I doubt very much I could make a living as an author, I want to at least try this bootcamp and see what happens.

Among other things, I am very nervous about what to wear. They said "business casual", but I dont really know what that means for a woman.

hugs and encouragement appreciated.

I am coming to the end of another book, and it is triggering all sorts of thoughts about my life. I went through transition some years ago, from a hairy rugby-playing 'bloke' with a beard to a plump woman with bobbed hair and a taste for print dresses. I went up to York a week ago, for what used to be the Cyclists' Touring Club's annual rally, and I rediscovered myself.

Well after the last couple of weeks I was in need of some good news and this morning I got some.

My consultant has cleared me to resume exercise with immediate effect so whilst i'm still on medication for the foreseeable I can start riding again, regaining some fitness and losing some of the weight i've put on - and inches around the waist!

If I could i'd be doing a Snoopy dance!

Ttfn
Madeline

It occurred to me yesterday that part of the reason people find bereavement so difficult is down to a lack of knowledge. Over the last couple of weeks we've come into contact with various agencies and I have to say they've all made things as easy as possible. However it's been a bit of a game of join the dots - take this, go there, ring this number - oh i'm not complaining but at times its not helped having to wait to see people because you need paper A to get paper B to get result C.

Being anonymous..

I just wanted to let you all know that I'm not going to be around that much.

It is summer vacation, and my kids are demanding my full attention. I don't have that much time to review what I'm writing or spend time on the BC site these days. I think I'm going to return to writing another series in the fall.

In the meantime, I am going to be spending time with my family. Traveling around. Getting into trouble. Watching my kids get into trouble. And generally finding bail money. ;-)

I will continue to do solos.Just don't know how often.

After a very emotional few days, I'm sort of getting my head around things.

We spent most of Saturday looking for paperwork - I think we found all the necessary stuff. Afterwards I cooked dinner, sad in itself as mum so enjoyed me cooking for her, i've pretty much taken over family dinners this year.

Today has been very emotional for me. I lost a very close friend to Cancer and I was at her bedside when she passed. We did so much together that I don't think I'll ever find another friend like her. My emotions are in shambles to the point where it's taking everything I have not to bawl my eyes out. I was her Maid of honor at her wedding and it was a glorius night. She kept me going through everything that ever happened to me and I'll never get to repay her now that she's gone. This is all becoming so much that I don't know what to do.

Or actually, I perused several stories on Amazon as I was looking for something new which might peak my interest. In the course of doing this, I came across multiple stories about cuckolding and forced feminization, both of which hold little interest for me.

But they did make me think about my own life and relationships as the evening wore on - mostly about my relationship with my spouse.

It seems like every day I wake up and look outside the sky is grey and rain is falling. I remember when I used to love to walk in the rain, back when my life was simpler. It was a good way to be alone - no one bothered me and no one could see my tears.

Now I can't even cry in the shower without someone saying something.....

As if I haven't had enough trouble, according to the lady from the Alberta government who is helping me, my application for handicapped assistance has disappeared and I am going to have to fill it out again.

Sighs ... can I bonk my head repeatedly now?

Well, today has not been a very good day for me.

First, I had a serious PTSD moment trying to get into the shower this morning, and it took me till almost noon to get calmed down enough to be able to actually get clean.

then, I had a bit of a breakdown at the unemployment office, and started crying.

On the plus side, they did tell me to expect a phone call on the status of my claim before the end of next week.

I'm ... gonna go to my blanket fort now ...

Firstly
I have a therapist who I just emailed and I'm going to try a hotline if I am still like this in the morning and it makes a full week of me feeling this bad. I don't think I have ever been this far gone even though I have said that before. However I have never started making a good bye list before and thinking about what I would say to the people on that list.

Spent lots of my life in therapy and under drugs, but quit therapy and drugs a couple years ago. Doing OK but now have to ride the ups and downs out by my own self and that's fine because the solutions of the Military therapist weren't any better than mine. Stopped going there mainly because them threatening me got old.

Working on stories seems to be as much help as anything.

It occurred to me today that being transgender isn't a problem. The biggest issue is the PTSD, BPD, Abandonment, Self Sabotage, and figurative hostage taking. Hmm, that never became clear before.

I saw my counselor today, and it was a good session.

She believes there may be a chance for me to get some volunteer experience working with the food bank which would possibly lead to a full time job working for them.

We'll have to see how things work out.

Wow!

Ok, my life has entered what I believe to be the 'final' phase.

The last piece of inheritance from my father (who died in 1973) has been sold.

My brother was in charge of all the negotiations and so on, and ripped off my sister and I, so there is a major change in my relationships. I will never have any other major injection of funds in what remains of my life. I am beyond retirement age, and my SO (Diana) will achieve that milestone later this year.

Big, huge, enormous news!

I ... have an interview tomorrow. For a job.

What's really cool was that although I had to put my male name on my resume, I included Dorothy as my preferred name, and that's the name the lady who contacted me used.

I am going to be a bit of a nervous wreck so huggles appreciated!

After having what I can only describe as a toxic relationship with food for most of my life, with my internal organs in danger and chances for SRS growing fainter, I have been forced to face the fact that I am a food addict.

I have now joined a support group that uses the methods of A.A. to help people like me change not just their diets but their relationship to food, and I am going to do my best to get into recovery.

All hugs, prayers, and words of support are appreciated as I begin this difficult journey.