For those of you who even care to read these blogs then watch and read as I explain what has happened over the last month and why I haven't been around as much as I'd like to be.

To start I guess I should mention a few things. First I was diagnosed with Parkinson's about a month ago. Secondly i'm mute(not deaf there is a difference) which means I can't talk. I lost my means of talking at 12 years old. This has been eating me up for a while and it drove me to the brink of suicide. It took a fellow BC'er talking me out of it to come to my senses.

Sometimes, I don't make the best choices.

Like today, after the church service, our "Affirm" group was showing a video on hate crimes and interviews with the guys who committed them explaining why they did it.

I should probably have known it would be too much for me, but I was curious, so I stayed to watch.

Yeah, that didn't go so well.

I lasted less than halfway through before I had to go and sit outside.

Fortunately, I have wonderful people at my church, and so I got several hugs and prayers to help stabilize me so I could drive home.

Well, I am breathing a sigh of relief. I got my physical done, and it did NOT have to include any invasive tests.

My doctor says considering my overall health, assuming my bloodwork comes back okay, I can skip getting stuff shoved up places I'd rather not be touched.

Whew ...

I wept for my father today.

See, I've been reading C.S. Lewis' autobiography, and he talks about his father a lot, so maybe that's why my dad came to mind today.

But regardless of the trigger, I wept for him.

I actually think this might be a good thing. I never really grieved properly for my dad, so getting this out of my system is a step in the right direction.

Or at least I'm hoping so ...

I am due for my annual physical, and if the last couple of years is any indication, I will end up being seriously triggered during the exam.

hugs, prayers, and good thoughts appreciated.

"Watch out for the Lady, Mommy"

That's what a tiny tot said, and in case you couldn't guess, I was the "lady" in question.

It may not seem like much, but every "lady", every "she", "her", or "Ma'am" give me a little boost that helps me a great deal.

You know how you can tell you have a long way to go in your healing journey?

When it's 2 AM, and you're holding on to a teddy bear and crying.

That was me last night.

I was triggered by a story that featured an idea I call "the magician's force". Basically, it's where you give someone the illusion of choice, but you've rigged the outcome beforehand.

I believe my abuser used something like that with me.

And so I cried for the seven year old child who fell into the hands of such a creature ...

Ah, well. Must carry on, regardless.

I've not been talking about it here, but I've been very sick the last couple of days, and ended up taking today off work to try and recover.

Hopefully, this is just a tummy bug, and I'll be right as rain in no time ..

As I watched all the little tykes who came into my store today, I found myself thinking about a story my grandmother told me. She told me that when I was a baby, I was a very happy baby, giggling, cooing, and smiling at everybody - until someone tried to pick me up, and then I would do my best to claw their face off.

I couldn't figure out why I would act like that, but now realizing I was perhaps borderline autistic, that behavior would make sense - Autistic people often cant handle being touched.

One of the parts of adulting I'm trying to learn is how to make mistakes.

Now that probably sounds confusing, so let me explain.

For most of my life, any mistake I made became huge, an example of my general unworthiness. I would beat myself up, add the mistake to a list of mistakes that I kept reminding myself of, and generally act like I was in a really bad tragedy.

But adults dont act like that.

I had a family reunion this weekend that i had intended to ignore, due to 3+ hours travel each way and while i'm 10 years post op my family has generally been very chilly towards me in the past.

I had an older cousin and then one sister put pressure on me via my wife to get me to go, and then was offered a place to sleep overnight as a lady who lives on the same property as I came with me, her mums house was less than a mile from the venue.

My friend has studied makeup and hairdressing. (woohoo personal stylist, she's an awesome friend & person)

got home from montreal an hour ago.

apparently I bounced back from the operation unusually fast.
no major pain.
some bruising, swelling and tenderness, but only to be expected.

time to do the final dilation for the day though.

have fun. ( I will be, doctor's orders to masturbate 4 times a day for months on end. ;) ).

I'm in the middle of a struggle that is costing me lots of emotional strength and my two best friends don't even care, and in fact view my efforts in this area as fruitless, even silly. I don't force my views on others but if they decide to ridicule my own, there is no respect; they seem to feel they have a right to tear at things that make all the difference to me, the only reason I stay alive.

Well, thanks to my own bad choices and laziness there is a good possibility that I will cheat myself out of four thousand dollars.

See, way back when I started with Walmart, I got a little bit of Walmart stock given to me by the company. When I stopped working for them I was supposed to get a payout - about 4 thousand dollars.

But due to a mix-up, they sent me a check - in the name of Dorothy.

Which isn't my legal name yet.

Which meant I couldn't cash the check

ooops.

got Dr. Brassard on my case today, for doing to much.

I only had my backpack with lappy in it on my shoulder and he says that is over-exerting myself.

After about one year after surgery for a sarcoma,and seven other surgeries I'm in a nursing home just north of Indianapolis. I am gradually getting better. I can sit up in bed and wheel chair and walk a little.

shalimar

Strokes suck. Brain fog makestyping almost Impossible But can read and converse well MyLeft side is paralyzed but my leg is definitely getting better. I havestoriesII want to write dang it!

had my consult with Dr. Pierre today, all is a go for my surgery at 7 am tomorrow.

the fun parts though, sitting 2 rows behind me on the flight here was another trans woman coming for her surgery tomorrow.
hers is 6 am.

both of us are sharing cab to the clinic with trans guys from nova scotia ( same hometown also. ). so one of each leaving at 5:45 am and again at 6:45 am.

so next time I'm online is after my surgery.

When I was a kid, I noticed that the insults directed at me, and any other male who wasn't popular tended to involve how feminine we were - "fag", "sissy" or even being called a girl.

I didn't understand it then, but I see it now. To those boys, being a girl was to be a lower form of life, and therefore the worst insult you could give a boy was to compare him to a girl.

I wonder how many of those boys ever stopped feeling like that, how many girlfriends and wives suffered because of that attitude, and how many taught that same feeling to their sons.

I shall be out with the bat group until quite late so won't have time to write, I'm afraid. This being a part time ecologist is hard work and we only had one dormouse yesterday, which ran up the tree, so we didn't get to sex it or weigh it. Thankfully, it wasn't me who let it escape. We did have a couple or more nests in the boxes but that was it.

As it's a fairly quiet night, windwise, we might get some bats. I'll let you know.

Angharad.

which sums up my life for the past 30 odd years.

Perhaps it will inspire one two to do the same.

Lately I have been shying away from anything violent or depicting violence. It's gotten so bad that even too much tension in a movie or story will cause me to walk out or close that page.

As you might recall, two weeks ago I pushed to the edge when I rode the Otztaler Radmarathon. Well today things were a little less stressed when I rode the Eddy Merckx Classic near Salzburg. (I won't bore you with the bit in between). Cycling bore that I am, I completed the 169km through the Salzkammergut in 6.5 hours almost exactly half the time I was in the saddle a fortnight ago.

If you have read any TG fiction at all, there's a good chance you read something like this: a new girl discovers that girls can be very ... earthy and share intimate details with other girls
.
Well, I don't know how common that is in real life, but I had something like that happen to me yesterday. I had a conversation with a co-worker, in which she ... overshared details about her period.

I hope I didn't come across as clueless in my response ...