Ever since I joined BC I've had this nagging feeling that I'm just wearing a mask when I'm saying anything on here. I know I'm not but, it feels that way. Sometimes I feel that I'm living a lie even though I'm not. If you know even the slightest about me you'd know I had it rough growing up. What you guys didn't know though is that I didn't really get to fully transition until after High School because nobody in my family supported me besides my grandparents. School for me was Hell!

Just wanted to let my readers (all three of you) know that it might be a while before you get anything new from me.

Depression is kicking my butt at the moment, and between that and the pain/panic dance I am running low on spoons to the point where just making it to work is gonna be a challenge this week.

Sorry, I hope to be back to bubbly soon ...

I wanted to share a story that might encourage anybody who is dealing with a phobia.

For most of my life, I had a serious phobia about bees. I had been stung as a kid, and after that I couldn't stand to be anywhere near a bee.

Then, one day, I found this video put out by (I think) National Geographic called "Why Bumblebees couldn't run an airport".

Someone had slipped a tiny camera inside a hive, and the result was ... life changing for me.

I got a visit from my old friends, Pain and Panic today.

Its funny how often they travel together.

Funny,I keep wondering when I 'll get through this recovery..One of the things that keep me going is being a woman.and that can not change When I figured out transitioning was something I had to do I took the fast track(meaning I did not hold back),no regrets, only joy.
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I wanna share a story that I have told very few people.

When I was 16, I was a mess on the inside. Rape and physical abuse had broken me into pieces, and it was only because I was so good at running on autopilot that nobody really knew how bad it was for me.

In my head, I felt like I had a hundred voices - it was so bad I tried to create a mental "parliament" just so there was some kind of order.

I feel I been for long time, last Sept on the 14th MS downloaded what they called an emergency security update to WIN10; then on Sunday the 15th Dell did download to work with MS download when that finish it lockup the computer forcing a reboot of computer, after about 15 minutes the screen went blank then a note appeared say's 'cannot find HDD, try reseating HDD', I removed back an removed HDD and reinstalled, rebooted system tried this four times same results.

As some of you might know, I vented here a little while ago.

My brother has now fully redeemed the money he 'borrowed without actual permission' and the situation has been normalised.

Already I feel Ms. Muse working her way back to me.

I leave tomorrow morning at stupid o'clock to drive to England, some 650 miles through a total of 6 different countries and intend to spend 7 of the 14 days with my granddaughter.

I hope to meet some of my contacts here during the non-granddaughter days.

My neighbor is an idiot.

Sign on my door about my respiratory health problems and he drops a smoke bomb on the floor right beside my door.
damn near lit the building on fire with it.

I just hope the landlord takes the action that is legally available for endangering the safety of the other tenants and gives him an eviction notice.

Great! I think that I've had about the worst day of my life. Karen, my young sister in law visited this afternoon. I have to tell you that I love this girl to death. But certain situations, cause and effect created a bad afternoon. Let me explain something first. My twin girls are three years old and are in the last stages of potty training. What that means is that we still have more accidents than I like. My youngest is still in diapers. The twins are now wearing pull-ups and on the whole, that sets the scene.

In the last day or so, the clicker thingie clunked over to 11 months so before Christmas I'll be at 10 years here. I remember it quite well. I was still very nutty from the divorce 2 years earlier, and being on huge doses of VA psych medications for PTSD. I'd previously published some stories over on Storysite, when I was approached either by Sephrina or Cathy; can't remember which. I was very messed up and broken at the time and spending time locked up in a secure cell at the VA every few months.

Hi! This is my first post, so I'm a bit nervous. I have trouble putting my emotions into words, whenever I try I end up frustrated. This means I usually just bottle up my emotions, fighting to keep the down, to wear that fake smile that never reaches my eyes. I feel like I'm lying when I talk to others who think they know me, who think they know how I feel and in a way I am. They see my act falter and they wonder what's wrong, but I push them away. Even my family gets pushed away. They ask why I stay in my room all the time, separated from them.

Just wanted to give a big "thank you" to all those who sent me a compliment.

All your positive vibes helped me overcome my negative self talk, so yay for team Dorothy, and huggles for all!

well, I think all the pain I am getting in my hips and knees is spreading to the parts in between.

Last couple of days, I've been at 8/10 for pain in my left thigh, and 5/10 for pain in my right thigh.

this on top of being 9/10 in the hips and knees, and 11/10 in my private bits. (No, I'm not kidding. flashes of pain there so bad I almost passed out.)

Ah, well.

After two (more) heart attacks and several mini-strokes my absence from this site is hopefully over. I have pretty much retired from any form of writing but look forward to catching up with some of my favourite authors and their stories. I've missed doing that! Anne

On Monday, I got to participate in an interesting study on speech.

They put sensors on my body, and recorded me talking about a video, and what they created on the computer looks like a stick figure with my voice.

They plan to show this to people, asking them if they can determine if I am male or female based on my voice and the movements of the stick figure.

When they get their information, they plan to use it to help trans women pass better in terms of their speech and body movements.

I am very frustrated. After a pretty good day with only mild pain, I was heading home when I got a flashback while driving. Thankfully, I was able to keep control enough to make it home without getting into an accident, but it still bothers me that even after 6 years of working on this, I am still vulnerable to flashbacks without any obvious triggers.

Sighs ...

In a few hours we'll be hitting the road. Grover, Paula, and dog named Tink, but no cat much less one named Kalamazoo. Sorry, I get silly when tired!

This move has been hell. If someone can't help they should just say no they can't, not say yes with empty promises.

That said, everyone here at BC has been my personal miracle. Between GoFundMe and personal donations, you all made a difference. Perhaps more than any other our dear friend Cathy got the word out about our plight and made our move possible.

Haha. I not only got called Ma'am on the phone today... the prick talked baby talk to me when telling me how to do something techie! I had a good giggle with the other woman in the conference when both of us gave him hell for being sexist and insulting in the same breath.

A good day. My respirologist said my sleep apnea was well controlled. A doubly good day.

Dayna

I'm sorry - I just have to vent.

As you probably know, I live in Switzerland.

But I am English.

I have a few interests in the UK, and I have trusted my brother with looking after them. A job he has been doing for nearly 20 years now.

I have today had a shock and a surprise.

It looks like my brother has ripped off my sister and I to the tune of about £10,000 to £12,000.

Today, I saw a tiny toddler decide to "help" clean up the store. She took a training potty that had fallen on the floor (the thing was almost as big as she was) and put it back on the others of the same color.

I so wanted to give her a gold star and make her an honorary cleaner ...

One of the worst things about mental illness is the stigma attached.

I mean, most people would probably rather say they needed to miss work due to explosive diarrhea than admit they're struggling with say depression.

Well, I am going to fight against that right now.

Today was not a good day. I got triple-teamed by depression, PTSD, and gender dysphoria. (Not to mention physical pain).

I pretty much felt like I was getting my butt kicked the whole shift, so I am really glad to put the day to bed ...

I got a nice compliment from one of the managers at work today. He said, "What i like about you, Dorothy, is you're always smiling"

Now wasn't that nice?

I'm not sure if I'm doing it right, if not the admin can remove it.

I cross path with a MtF today one time when I was entering the Place Bonaventure garage, and you where exiting it at 6 in the morning.