Well, it wasn't a good day. I was very tired all day today, and then this afternoon at work I got the runs.

Spoons ... I need spoons ...

Not a good day. It turns out my work was not happy with me, so I am being transferred to another store further away from home and only 4 hours a day 7 days a week.

Its a dam sight better than nothing, but it still feels like I failed.

On top of this, yesterday I got an email from my sister in law that contained a paper on "victim's syndrome" - basically saying some people love saying "woe is me" and getting sympathy rather than taking responsibility for their own choices and mistakes.

To me, that seems to indicate she thinks I'm one of those people, and that stings.

Had a nice service at church today. Not only did we talk about Jesus as a young boy at the temple, but after the service, we had a lecture/discussion on the subject of "repairative therapy" - sometimes called 'conversion therapy" or "pray away the gay".

As it consists of little more than physical or psychological torture to try and "fix" people like me, and does much more harm than good, we are trying to start the process to get the Alberta government declare it illegal for people under 18 at the very least.

There are many on this site that have experienced tragedies too horrific to comprehend. Some have managed to, somehow, find balance and deal with these hideous, monstrous demons, some have not. I have shared some of my childhood tragedies with a few close friends- people that have been through, or are currently going through- similar circumstances. PTSD is a ROYAL BITCH, and sometimes, we all need a shoulder to cry on, a gentle hug, an understanding heart, and a listening ear. I would like to be that person, and give back to a site that in the last three months has given me so much.

I woke up about three hours ago, needing to use the washroom, fairly normal for me, as I have a weak bladder.

What isn't normal is what happened when I tried to go back to sleep.

To put it bluntly, I started remembering things that happened when I was a child, specifically things that occurred during the eight years of my being adopted. The memories wouldn't stop, and I came very close to having a full-blown panic attack while crying for nearly two hours.

To put the whole thing into a proper semblance of order, I need to describe my memories of my childhood.

I had one of those DoH moments where I felt very mean My son was returning me to bed at the end of a day with mt two year old grand baby watching he took off my wig to. My mouth led my brain as I said Ow!Uncle Jim just ripped my hair off Her eyes got real big and she ran out of the room he chased her down an showed her my hair wasn't real.I was feeling very small right then, lesson learned. Posted on FB yesterday.

tommorrow I am going to have surgery on my ankle this will surgery # 5 from a break that happened in April 2014. the moral of the story is watch out fhe ladder

Just a quick note. I had some facial eruptions on Monday last (9th) which I thought were due to a resident Staph. infection I have. This has gotten progressively worse during the week, though curiously limited in extent. I was given antibiotics which didn't seem to help.

After severe pain early this morning I went and saw an emergency doctor with a completely different result.

After having watched one of my favorite anime series yet again (I My Me! Strawberry Eggs), I can really feel for Hibiki Amawa-sensei.

I have a lot of sadness within me, and maybe a little too much bitterness that I need to deal with. I think, at times, we all have the ability to become bitter and calloused, if we allow ourselves to wallow in self-pity and doubt. Well, I'm tired of just wallowing. Thanks to the person (you know who you are) that pointed out what I could not see- that I had begun to let the bitterness consume me. I don't want to become THAT person.

True story. When I was in elementary, I went to the principal and asked to be promoted to the next grade. Trying to give a reason why I shouldn't, the principal gave me a test equal to what that grade would get. I passed it. Then he gave me a test for the next grade. I passed it. Finally, he gave me a test given to university students, and I failed. When I realized they weren't going to let me skip a grade, I bawled like a baby, saying I had been trying to catch up to my brother, who was 2 1/2 years older than I was.

40 something years later, i still haven't caught up to him.

After dinner this evening, I sat with my oldest son and watched the end of the movie Platoon. One of the final lines of the movie that Charlie Sheen gives through a voice over as he is medivac'd out has always stuck with me. "Those of us that did make it have an obligation to rebuild - to try and find some goodness out of what we survived."

That could be applied to most of us in one way or another. We are all survivors in our own way, and we all have an obligation to make the world better - not just for ourselves, but for our children and for those who will follow after us.

Due to several members of my spouse's family creeping around the internet and trying to find things to use against me, including anything I have posted on this website, I asked for my posts to be un-published. I have also changed my name in order to hopefully put a firebreak in any trail they have been following.

Hi to all the old readers of my stories, namely The girl inside the boy and Carla's Journey, I haven't done any writing for quite a while because life become very busy once you have fully transitioned, I have been post op now for four years and have never looked back. But of course there are always some family members that will never recognise your change, it is their problem not yours. I may in the future do some more writing and being seventy one years of age with a bit of a heart problem I am happy to just read some of the stories published on Big Closet.

I have spent hours this evening trying to complete my returns to maintain my licence to tickle dormice. At the end the other computer rejected them twice. As this is a priority for me, I shall have to keep trying at this when I have time so Bike is on hold until I get it right. Thanks for your patience, I'm sure you'll enjoy the next twist in Cathy's story when I get round to writing it.

I just put a new story up a little while ago, and in the process, it seems I rediscovered my little. I hadn't seen hide nor hair of her since late 2005, so more than eleven years have gone by, yet it seems I woke her up, so to speak, simply by using the name Jessica in my piece.

As I said, I hadn't had her come out for so long that I actually forgot her name, which is Jessica. What makes it even odder, at least for me, is I've read who knows how many stories featuring someone named or renamed Jessica, or written by someone named Jessica.

Well with 2 exasperations of my copd in one month my doc ordered lung xrays.
Got those done yesterday morning. This afternoon I got called to see her about the results.

1) Results normally take 2 business days to get back to her, one day is very fast.
2) She doesn't go over results with patients without patient request unless there is bad news.

my appointment is Wednesday.

Well, today was kinda a shaky day.

It started with me being rather fragile as I went to bed last night, and then I got woken up at around 5 AM by my mom in a panic because she had locked herself out of her car.

She finally calmed down enough to phone AMA to get them to come and unlock her car for her, but by that point, her struggles had kinda infested me and I spent most of the day struggling with being more fragile, which made a pretty busy day just a bit less fun than it might have been.

I hope everyone had a good Christmas. I also would like to wish you all a Happy New Year. We had a very different Christmas this year. Instead of spending it at home; we went to my in laws. I'm not complaining. I love my in laws. As much as I love my own parents. My only grumble about living in the UK is that I miss the snow. Hey I'm a Boston girl we're experts on snow lol. The kids had a great time especially as they were on the floor in sleeping bags. Well the older ones were the baby was in his mobile crib aka Moses basket.

Looks out of closet in terror but has done it. Anti androgens, oestrogen spironalactone etc. The long road starting with trading in moobs for the real deal has begun. All legal and above board. You are never to old to make the decisions. Have been dressing and purging in secret for over 45 years. Please wish me luck i may need it.

Full-time now. New name, new gender, same old person.

Okay, weird dream last night. I found myself in a haunted house, fighting ghosts with not much more than my bare hands, and as remarkable as it seems, I won. But the dream wasn't done yet. At the end of the fight, God told me to pray for one of the ghosts to return to his body and live again. I did as I was told, with my hand on a casket, and the person was restored to life.

If God's trying to tell me something, I think I need an interpreter ...

Well, I got some tentative good news about the money I am owed from Walmart. I got the last piece of info I needed to send in the forms they asked for, and mailed everything off today. I have been told that I should get a check early in the new year.

Should I cross my fingers?

I just got back from Graduation where I graduated Summa Cum Laude the only one in my major. I now have an associate's degree in applied sciences software developement. I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact I finally have a degree and I graduated Summa Cum Laude.