Autobiographical

overdoing it, and paying for it

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last couple of days my brother and I have been trying to do yardwork, pulling out the dandelions so then we can trim the grass. Its sad, but my brother who had knee surgery not that long ago, is still on street drug levels of painkillers, and has little or no cartilage in any of his joints, is actually in better shape than I am.

I'm in pain, exhausted but unable to sleep, and its setting off PTSD, dysphoria, and depression.

Sighs ... this too shall pass, I suppose ...

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I'm feeling emotionally stressed out and a bit depressed.

Four months ago, I posted a piece that had pretty much everyone who commented upset at what I had written.

I had no issue with their comments, other than that I took the time to put up a bunch of legal info to support my thoughts.

Then another person posted, using the Guest Reader option, and proceeded to be initially mildly rude, then more so and outright abusive.

When I saw the comment, I sent a PM to Erin, asking for it to be unsubbed as it was an outright Rule 1 violation.

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Feeling very down today.

and I don't mean hugging my pillow.

I AM NOT PLANNING OR THINKING ABOUT DOING ANYTHING SERIOUS TO MYSELF!

Bear in mind as you read this, if you do read it, that I can be a long-winded bitch.

I think part of it is aging and knowing that I've been here longer than I will be going forward... and I don't feel like I've accomplished anything for having existed... except existing.

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The Lynx (me)

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(caution tag just because...)

Alright, so this is my 4th blog post in as many days. Out of character much? Maaaybe.

This account has been active a little over 7 years and all that time has seen 5 blogs by yours truly, including this one. No other writing credits and only the occasional comment to say I've ever existed here at BCTS. Why then am I suddenly chatty? Simply put, why not?

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you could have knocked me over with a feather

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okay so yesterday Sharon needed me to drive her to the vet because her cat was having problems. While we were waiting, she starts this conversation about her church, and says she thinks they are a little too quick to pull out judgement.

Then she says she was also guilty of this in dealing with my desire to transition. She said while she doesnt really understand it, or like it, she felt she had been more negative towards me about it than I deserved, and she apologized.

honestly, you could have knocked me over with a feather ...

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another day, another PTSD attack

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So not one of my better days yesterday. After dealing with 30 degree Celsius heat, I went to go on the chat site only to be given some error message. After panicking and leaving a message here, i eventually tried the obvious -reboot and log back in, and it worked. With that little problem solved, I decided I needed to go see a movie, and went to Deadpool 2.

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Thank God For Friends and Family

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I am extremely fortunate to count Dorthy Coleen and Rebeca Jane,and Arwen of Arwen Arwen's tears as my friends. I have my share of bad dreams, they have been wearing me down in the form of depression, I take it on faith I will recover from my stroke, I don't feel I have any other choice, My phone is my lifeline, Rachael Ann, Long time user of BCTS stepped forward to give me someone to talk to. I feel guilty keeping Rebeca from her writing, as I enjoy it too. But it got me through the night. As did Dot on the BCTS chat room on a particularly bad night.

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make of this what you will ...

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Okay, so I've had bad dreams, and sad dreams, and searching dreams, but I dont think I have ever had a dream quite like the dream I had last night.

I was with my brother at a mall, when I suddenly caught a look at my own reflection.

And there was a beautiful woman in the mirror.

I mean she was fantastic looking!

I wasnt sure if I should say something or not, I just kept finding reasons to look for reflective surfaces to try and confirm what I was seeing.

Make of this what you will ...

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elated? frustrated?

Just a short missive.

Well it's day one of the kitchen refit, the old stuff is all gone and tomorrow they come to do the stuff which has caused most issue - replacing all my electrical gear - that's a new fuse box and relocating it as well as all the sockets and fitting a bunch of new extras. Once that's done I can start to get stuff into some sort of permanent order again.

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Time flies ...

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I was looking at my account info here, and discovered that my 9th anniversary of being on this site had come and gone without me noticing.

Ah, well, belated happy anniversary to me.

You guys are still the best bunch of crazies I've found yet ...

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got a double boost today

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okay, so anyone following this blog knows the last while has not been very good for me.

Today kinda made up for it.

First, it was a hot day, so I decided to break out a skirt for the first time this year, and while I was out walking the dog, an elderly lady complimented me on my outfit, making me blush.

Then, tonight, I took Sharon and Samantha to a pizza place for supper, and as I got out of the car, Samantha remarked on the skirt, suggesting that I might want shorts under it in case a breeze blew it up, and Sharon agreed.

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It's that darn crazy git's birthday again!

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Oh, wait, that darn crazy git is me! Ack!

Well, another year has gone by and I'm still kicking and fighting, not fighting in the physical sense so much as fighting the depression that comes up now and then. I'm not dealing with serious depression at the moment, so I'll take that as a bonus.

Anywho, I'm sitting here staring at the computer screen, I'm officially 52 years old and I want to live a damn lot longer!

I hope everyone else is having a good day today; I'll be heading for bed in a while, I'm starting to wind down now.

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I dont have the words

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I am in a frustrating place in terms of my writing. I can visualize the final chapter of "By the rivers of Babylon", but when it comes to actually writing words ... I seem to be stuck.

sighs, I really wanted to try and finish that story so I could move on to other things ...

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Quick Update

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Just a short missive from Yorkshire today. Well on one of the best May BH Sundays ever (sunshine, blue skies, no wind or clouds - unheard of for a UK BH!) i'm pleased to relate that I completed the 2000+m of climbing squeezed into 129 Pennine kilometres in a time of 5hrs 30mins. Not too shabby for an old git and I didn't resort to walking anywhere despite grades in the high teens and low twenties (1 in 4 ish if you are old skool on these things.)

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not in a good place

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well, I think I spoke too soon about my depression lifting. I'm in a bad place where the only relief I seem to get from sadness is just being numb.

Worse, my writing has dried up, leaving me without one of my major outlets for dealing with crap.

I'm sorry to have to ask, but all hugs, prayers, or positives about me are appreciated.

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some good news about my daughter

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I got some good news about my daughter. I found out that she has been accepted to go to a continuing education program specially set up for handicapped people post grade 12.

They will focus on combining academics with life skills, and it will go for two years.

I'm very proud of her.

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News from.......Brandenburg, Germany

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Just a quick note or two.

Well my best laid plans have fallen by the way side as my internet access so far this trip has been sketchy at best and non existent most of the time.

Anyhow, we've had a great trip so far, a mostly mill pond North Sea crossing and wall to wall blue skies and sunshine ever since. Gab has. Been enjoying herself with visits to Hameln of rat fame and the windmill museum up at Luneberg Heide. Maybe the other windmill visits were a bit more 'if we must' but we've some great stuff planned for the way back.

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magic blood pressure spikes

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Do you guys remember the dancing frog from the Warner Brother's cartoons?

Well, I've been having blood pressure spikes that seem to be doing the same thing - I see it at home, but they disappear as soon as my doctor checks me.

So my doctor has ordered a special bp test, to see if we can figure out what the heck is going on ...

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its a generation thing

Well yesterday was a landmark for my family - all of my immediate blood relations over four generations in one room at once. Sounds impressive but it's only five people (I do have a host of cousins etc so we aren't such a tiny family really) Anyhow I spent about three hours holding a very well behaved grandson as two exhausted parents failed to summon energy for more than drinking tea!

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What a week or two!

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My computer played up, then an update from Microsoft coincided with my router doing strange things, only it took a day or two to work out what the problem was. Couple that with severe shoulder pain and consequent lack of sleep, a visit to the dentist on Friday the 13th, an impending deadline for my latest assignment and you can see I've had a great time.

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71 today.

Whew! Like my old baseball hero, Mickey Mantle, said: "If I'd known I was gonna get this old, I'da taken better care of myself!"

Well, I'm not old... compared to trees, or mountains, right?

I hope everyone has a great day, and thanks all for your comments and friendship. Also, thanks to Princess Chelsea for the skype Birthday greeting.

Catherine Linda Michel

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Changes

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I hate being negative all the time. I've been pretty sick lately so I shut down for a while. I was at the PT(physical therapist today,She had me standing between parallel bars on both feet. I threw up later not a bad thing since every time I use new muscles differently it happens. She was working harder than I was try to keep my bad left leg straight,Not a major break through, but will take what comes my way. But for a short while before I abused their trash can(again)I was standing up and swaying between feet. Using my good arm (for balance and good leg to stand between the bars.

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a most unusual dream

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I had a really unusual dream last night. I dreamed that I was back in university, but this time I was Dorothy. Not only that, I had this ... confidence about stuff I dont normally have in real life. Even people who reacted negatively to me were dismissed in my mind except to report them to a university official.

Not sure what that means ...

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busy real life eating into my writing spoons

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For my fans (I still have fans, I think), just to let you know that it still will be awhile before I have more for you guys to read, as real life is eating into my writing spoons.

But I will still check in and leave kudos and comments as I can ...

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Holiday reading

I'm on the Algarve (Portugal for non-Europeans) and trying to get a tan.

I brought a few e-books with me and I'm currently chortling through the first EAFOAB book. I've (from memory) read it thrice from the beginning beforehand but it still makes me smile - thank you Angharad for the perfect holiday read.

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I'm such a fool...

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I just returned home from overeating at a local Chinese all you can eat buffet. The food is great 7 the place is clean. First plate was 10 shrimp, 2 fish fillets, 2 lobster rolls and crab/cheese casserole. Second plate was a slice of ham, mashed potatoes, gravy with meat balls and broccoli & cheese casserole. Third plate was a slice of cheese cake, a piece of chocolate cake, a slice of pineapple, and an orange wedge. Fourth plate (8") was peach slices and 3 halved bananas covered in cherry sauce. That was buried in 2 inches of chocolate soft serve ice cream topped with peanuts.

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Drag Race

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Had a friend who works at a store I shop at ask me if I watch RuPaul's Drag Race. She assumed that because I'm trans that of course I do.

I told her no. That I hated the show, that I would turn it to the worst Z-movie in the world before I'd watch it. She laughed and asked me why.

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spike in blood pressure

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Just when things looked like they were getting better, I've had a setback, in the form of several bad moments with super high blood pressure over the last couple of days.

I'm seeing my doctor on Tuesday, so here is hoping for an idea on what I can do about it, but not fun ...

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one week

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Next weekend I'll be going offline.
Until I can find an isp that isn't using a security nightmare single signon scheme for accessing services.
and ALL single signon services are a security nightmare, 1 database for criminals to target to gain massive amounts of data on everyone using it.
Facebook, Google, MS, yahoo accounts all fall into this classification.

and I doubt I'll be looking very hard for an isp

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So discouraged

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I'm about as discouraged as I have been in a very long time, and it is arguable that most of what is stressing me is my own damn fault. There are a couple stories on here that are extremely moving to me, spot on regarding the issues that face post op, out T folk. Recently, my own T life has been more pleasant than at first, but these stories cause me to remember the really painful years.

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My family has a knack for making a bad situation worse

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If my extended family has a knack, its to make a bad situation worse.

My aunt is going into the hospital on Thursday to get treated for cancer in her uterus, and two of my other aunts decided that wasn't enough stress, so they started fighting over who will look after my aunt when she gets out of the hospital.

Sighs ...

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Intense pain

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For the last week or so I have been having gut cramps that are unbelievably painful Don't know what I will do about them yet, If they continue probably the ER,This morning I woke up with a a painful knot in my gut I tried to raise my bed and it hurt too much to bend my abdomen. I ll get back with you all and let you know how it goes.

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Small steps - a bigger one

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I didn't blog here for more than four years... :-(

Many thinks happened during this time:
I removed my old "disguise" completely after Halloween 2013. Fortunately there were no problems at all at work and in my private life.
August 2014 the status and name change was finalized, including my birth certificate.

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